[picklewheeze]

Hey all,

I haven't posted in here before cause to be honest for me I dont know if it will make things better or worse. But, I've got something I really want to get off my chest and I dont know to tell really.

I'm really pissed off with myself. I've had my battles with anorexia. Luckily, I've come off on top majority off the time with only getting really bad a few months ago when I started losing my hair and it really shook me up and I also met a girl who basically said that I was disgustingly skinny and she was scared she was going to hurt me when we were snuggling up in bed. She ate what she want, when she wanted and didnt give a .... and I loved it. I wanted in.

The problem with that is, its great when it lasts. Now, shes gone and I feel like I'm back to the old me, only pounds heavier. I want them gone.

Ive recently started a new course, with loads off new people. I instantly latched onto this other girl I get on with really well and we later had some discussions and discovered that she'd had battles with her weight as well. Now I feel lke im really getting back into my old ways. The more time I spend with her, the less I eat.

The worst thing is, today I didnt see her. I'm actually a bit upset with her cause, well probably just cause I'm BPD and change my mind like the****in wind, but basically because I feel like she's leading me on. I also think shes straight and just ****ing with me but thats another story so yeah, didnt see her today. Which meant I eat more. I felt disgusted. I decided to go running, hard, to try make myself feel better without going totally insane. But as I was out I started to feel sick cause I was running so hard and I thought great, if I can be sick thats another scoree! But I wasn't.

Then, when I got home, I felt like ****. I decided to go down the alley by my house and make myself sick. I felt like I'd just wasted everything I've done to recover. Thrown it all away in that instant. Got back into everything I've fought so hard to leave.

The longer after, the more I started to wonder whether I actually felt disgusted cause of what I'd done, or cause of why I'd done it? Whether it was really because I'd let myself down so much in the day, eating all that ****.

Anyway, fingers crossed the scales are okay tomorrow.

This is just a vent really, sorry for the essay. Please feel free to respond I'd be really grateful!

[Miswimmy1]

dont be too upset with yourself. Its ok to slip up once in a while. Maybe you can hold on to that feeling and rememember the next time you want to make urself sick? Just take it as a learning experience and try not to dwell on it too much. Be kind to urself, ok? I hope tomorrow is better for u!