[photostotake]

During a session with my T last month, certain things came up about my appearance and what others were saying and things have come to light since then. I've since realized that I've had disordered eating for the past twenty years or so. Mainly restricting, but purging too. I've always been able to get it back under control, but in the last couple of months, it's gotten worse. Now, because of my weight loss, it's become more obvious to others there may be something going on. I've now fallen into the unhealthy weight range, counting calories (something that I've never done before) and purging more and more lately along with the restricting. I am eating something for dinner and eating snacks when my family is around. My T talked me into getting a health checkup to make sure I'm okay- those labs all turned out fine.

The thing is, I'm terrified to tell my family or anyone about this. I know that's irrational. I'm already working with my T on this. My mind is telling me that I can do this with his help on my own, my T is telling me otherwise of course. That I need to tell my husband. I'm truly scared. We've had 5 straight years of dealing with a major pain issue, along with some other health issues (all of these about me). Way too many hospital visits, among other things. I just don't want to bring something else into the mix. My husband is very supportive, I just don't want to push my luck.

Any advice you can offer? If it were up to me, I'd rewind to the day I told my T about the eating issues and delete it all.

[Travelinglady]

I can understand how you feel, but I think you already know the answer. You did the right thing by telling your therapist and I suggest you keep working on it with a professional. Therapists hold our hand and give us advice. Sometimes we don't want to hear it, but they generally do have our best interests at heart. I really don't want to believe I have my diagnosis after many years. But I keep on keeping on.

We do need to recognize that our society generally has an unhealthy view about weight. Models especially have suffered the consequences. We don't need that!

[photostotake]

Thank you very much for your kind response. I do know that it was ultimately the right thing to do, it's just so hard to face the reality of it. It's something I've been dealing with on my own for over twenty years. And now that it's out in the open, even just to the therapist and to one doctor, is scary as heck for me. Add in telling my husband/family, and I feel like a failure or a disappointment to them. This isn't something else we need to deal with. Plus, it just feels like I should be able to pull myself back out of it again this time. Although, I just can't seem to do it. Even more ED behaviors have been added to the mix this time around.

I trust my T completely and know that I am in the right hands with him. I just have to know that things will work out for the best under his care. Although things look impossible right now, I'll try my hardest to work on overcoming my ED.

Thanks again. I appreciate it.

[eskielover]

Add in telling my husband/family, and I feel like a failure or a disappointment to them. This isn't something else we need to deal with.

The thing is that whether you realize it or not, you all have been dealing with it all along....not just you because when you are married, most things we think we are keeping secret or quiet about are adversely effecting the marriage whether we admit it or not. So you husband has been dealing with it all along because of the way it's effected your marriage even is keeping secrets there is a negative vale that comes with any secrets we keep in a marriage. The disappointment I know for me when secrets are kept.....more like lies of omission....comes from being disappointed 100% with the fact he wasn't open & honest & not with the thing he was doing. If your H has been able to deal with pain issues with you, an ED is really not that much more to deal with because there is usually some area of pain you are dealing with under the ED that usually needs to be handled & having the support of your husband while dealing with ED's is important.

I had a bad marriage & it was part of the driving force behind my ED & my lack of desire to live......but that's usually NOT the case for most who are dealing with ED's & the support & caring & accepting you as you are as a human, not what you look like or how thin you want to be is what is important while you work on what ever other issues are behind the ED.....& major amounts of support are usually necessary when that is being worked through.

Honestly, I would initially just keep it between you, your T & your H, family isn't important initially especially if you feel that you will be able to gain the necessary control to stop the behaviors....but that's just my opinion.

My blood work took a lot for it to show up as a problem but when it was that bad, I was at the point of IV nutrition being necessary & it's NOT a good thing to allow it to get to that point besides having a central line is a dangerous procedure & actually painful....but I chose that over a feeding tube.....but they nicked my lung once & then were worried about blood clots forming in my legs....it was so much more complicated & really a horrible experience.....another time with the PICC line in my arm, it got infected & they had to remove it & I had a bad reaction to the antibiotic I was given that could have been very serious as I left the hospital to be at my mother's funeral & went back to the hospital after for the IV nutrition using the central line that time which also had an infection problem. It's definitely NOT worth the complications that go way beyond the seriousness of the ED itself. Much better to get it in control before ever getting to that place. Better your H knows about your ED issues now rather than anything coming as a surprise later on if you aren't able to control your eating behavior soon.

[shortandcute]

I'm not really sure that I have any advice that will help you. But it's been extremely difficult for me to admit that I need help, too, even though I've needed it for a long time. It's scary to let other people know what's going on, and sometimes it's hard to know exactly who you can talk to about it. The only reason I broke down and got help this last time was because my son and daughter inadvertanly found out that I was planning on ending my life, and it scared them. But, anyway, I find that posting on here helps me a lot. Perhaps you can discuss your concerns with your T and see what he says; I've talked to my T and psychiatrist and they gave me some helpful advice.