[imonfire]

i live a radical life. im covered in tattoos, ive lived in wild punk houses, i dont watch tv or look at fashion magazines (i haven't even stepped foot in a mall in over a decade at least!), but ill forever battle with disordered eating.

im naturally a relatively small woman. im 32 now (though no one believes it) and was pretty thick in my teen years, but it wasnt until i lost a significant amount of weight in my early twenties that i began dealing with this monster. gaining or losing pounds alone is enough for people to not just take notice but feel the need to comment. my face will fill out, my clothes wont fit well, and those pounds i can easily put on in literally two or three days. my weight "pendulum" as i refer to it to my therapist is a delicate one.

im tired of not eating when my friends eat. or not eating what they eat. i hate going to bed at night being able to recall EVERY SINGLE BITE OF ANYTHING I PUT IN MY MOUTH.

hi. im new. xx

[buttrfli42481]

Welcome to the forum imonfire!

I am also 32 and no one believes me. I have been fighting my ED battle for about 17yrs now. I have finally reached a point where I am at a healthy, stable weight and have kept it that way for almost 3 months. It is possible to get there. I am able to go out to eat with friends and eat what I want (within reason). Give it time and remember that this is just a temporary stop on life's journey.

[Moodswing]

Welcome......there is no quick fix and you have to put in the hard work with therapy. I am 46 and also do not look my age. I continue to think about food continuously, remembering everything I eat and thinking if I will be purging this meal or not. I still value myself by how I perceive myself in the mirror. Always saying things will be better if I could lose 5lbs,10lbs. I feel like a prisoner. I won't go out sometimes depending on how I think I look. You can not do this alone. You do need professional help.

[spondiferous]

Welcome to PC, imonfire.
The funny thing about eating disorders is that they don't really care who you hang out with, what your politics are, what your views on life happen to be, etc. I'm also fairly radical in terms of what I do and do not believe or participate in, and the fact that I have no problem standing up and saying so, but still I obsess about food, fat, think I'm worthless because of my body. Even though right now I have been ED behavior-free for two months I obsess about every single thing I ate today, yesterday, etc. I 'pride' myself on eating less than the day before. I worry when I eat more at dinner today than dinner yesterday. I'm trying to approach it in layers. I am not binging and purging: yay! The obsession is likely going to hang around for awhile until my body knows that it's safe to come out and the obsession will gradually fade.
It's happened for others. I believe it will happen for me.
And yeah, what Moodswing said: it's impossible to do this alone.
Good luck with everything. You can message me if you need to. I'm always here, no judgment. Hope to see you around the forum more. Would love to know how you're doing.