Sometimes I feel like giving up

I had anorexia for five years, was in the hospital twice for that. Now I've been bulimic for three years. I continue with therapy and have my depression, anxiety , and OCD under control. I just need to know there's someone else out there battling the almost never ending battle of EDs. I just need some more support. My friends and family have taken just about all they can from me now it's up to me to find my own solid ground.

((((((((((Shannon)))))))))))
I really respect you for keeping up the fight. I know it must be hard. I have been bulimic for years now myself. Keep posting here. You have friends here. but also don't push away those who love ya at home.

good for you hun. keep on keep on and youll get through this ed ok. never give up hope that things will be better in the end. im proud of you for continuing to fight this battle.
sniffles

Thanks sniffles. It really means alot to know i'm not alone. And I willl never give uo even if I have to fight to the death. It's my stubborn personality that got me in this mess to begin with, how ironic huh?

yw hun. it was my stubborn personality that did it for me too. youre definitely not alone hun. ive been there done it too, for the past 11 years. im always here if you need to talk.
sniffles

Things are a mess right now. I left my boyfriend of three years last night. We were out to dinner and I just couldn't bring myself to eat right then. He has been through so much with me already and I guess he lost it a little. He said that he loves me too much to continue to watch me slowly kill myself. I automatically got defensive and told him that I don't need him to "mother" me. I got up and left. He ran out after me. I started yelling not even sure what exactly i said but i was histerically crying and saying something like "i don't need your pitty, im fine". He drove me home, we didn't speak after that. I feel so disgusted with myself. All I had to do was eat! What the crap is the matter with me?

Hi Shannon,
i used to be anorexic, so i can sympathize with what ur going thru...it was my stubborn personality that got me into it, but it was what also got me out of it as well...u can use it to ur advantage if u think ur gonna get better and ur so determined to do so

I know that I go through not eating at times & have been treated for anorexia in a treatment center & then have been medically hospitalized more times than I can count with the central line & TPN.

My not eating usually starts from nausea caused by something like a reaction to a med, or the last was a trauma that I went through. The not eating the last time started with smoke from a forest fire that caused me to have a horrible asthma attack which ended me in the hospital for 10 days. Horrible nausea was part of the reaction to the smoke & it couldn't be controlled. Within 4 months, I was dealing with a horrible trauma & my mother dying of cancer. All the stress kept the nausea going & I ended up not being able to get any food or liquids into my body without horrible nausea. I refuse to get sick to my stomach after a horrible experience I had with the flu that burst all the blood vessles in my face & eyes. After that I could never throw up unless it was something that hit me immediately. Within the 4 months, I had lost over 10 bounds taking me over 10 pounds below the lowest safe weight for my height.

Usually at that point, I have lost control of almost everything in my life & controlling my weight is about the only think I can control. For some reason no matter how bad I feel & how many times I pass out, I want to continue loosing weight. I was pretty lucky this last time & my weight loss stopped at the 10 pounds level. I had a hard time because I had a new foal that I was working with after I got out of being in the hospital for 2 months. I was continually passing out but knew I had a responsibility I couldn't leave. I tried to pick a weight that I would be satisfied with & was able to slowly bring my weight back up to that level. I am happy with the way I look at that weight & satisfied with the way my cloths look on me. I have times when I gain a few pounds, then I don't eat & it goes back down to the weight I like. Because I am on a high dose of narcotics for my migraines, I have a problem with constipation, so I have an excuse to use laxatives......this also helps me maintain the weight that is safe & acceptable to both my Dr's & myself.

I know when I was dealing with the trauma & the massive weight loss this last time, I too felt like giving up. I wasn't able to find the help I needed to deal with the trauma I went through & my Mother had just died. I had responsibilities with my foal, & I think that was the only thing that kept me from giving up. I know I had the feeling that no one cared since I couldn't get any help. I wasn't able to help myself....I didn't have the strength to do anything more than lie in bed. It took almost a year to get myself to a safe point & it was an exhausting fight all the way.

It is frustrating when we know what we need to do, but it is hard to get ourselves to do it. I know that I felt bad because I realized that it would take control to get myself healthy again, but I liked the control of loosing weight more than the control to get myself healthy. It wasn't completely body image that I have a problem with because when I weighed 93 pounds, I know I looked horrible. I looked like a walking skeleton with every part of my body sagging. At my age, I'm not supposed to have this kind of problem.

I guess for me, I had to find a weight that I was going to be satisfied with & become determined to keep my weight right around that point. There are still times when I have the desire to loose weight again, but when I start passing out from not eating, I hate that feeling & start eating a little more again until I get stabalized.

I can relate to getting angry at people who are trying to control my eating. I want to be left alone about my weight & anyone who bothers me about it makes me angry.....so I can understand your reaction to your boyfriend.

Your weight is something you need to come to terms with by yourself, but for your health, it is important to decide on a safe weight that you can be satisfied with. At that point, if you gain a few pounds, you can usually eat small amounts or even skip a meal or 2 without anyone getting into your face & everyone can be less stressed about the whole thing & your boyfriend will probably be quite happy to help you stay at a good weight. I am sure he doesn't want you too heavy or too thin. He can be a great support to you if you can come to terms & settle on a safe weight for yourself.

Hope things work out for you,
Debbie

Hi, i know that life can be a mess some times, and if your like me it becomes unbearable very quickly but dont feel sorry for yourself!
I dont mean to be harsh or offensive, and if i am, sorry! But feeling sorry is the worst thing you can do to help yourself!

I mean i feel for you like everyone who has written you, but i've got something new to add!

Take action now! Start eating and eat healty! Start slowly, eat fruit, eat vegs, eat pasta eat anything as long as you eat! My point is ACT NOW! I know its tough buts its the only way to help yourself!

Be strict with yourself, thats what i did and am doing today! I mean its not a miracle, and you will not be healed in any way, it takes time, but if you know that you have got an ED act upon it!

If you fail, try again, again, and if youre like me, again!! Life is good, hard but worth the effort! Ive suffered from ED, and i couldnt care less! But when i saw my sister do the same things i was doing i finally woke up and faced reality!

We supported each other, and still do i mean the temptation is always going to be there, but your will power will grow in time and i will get easyer! Trust me!

If you feel depressed, consentrate on something constructive, i dont know express yourself in any way you can! Dont keep it inside, it will eat you up if u do!

Mess me if you need any help, if you need a friend, or if you just want to write to somebody, ill respond thats why we all are here!

good post milanist! i agree...u've gotta keep on trying and persisting, it's not easy i know, but if ur determined enuf and believe in urself enuf to want that eating disorder out of ur life then it will go if u keep on beating it down. it involves a lot of bickering with that cow in the back of ur head whose telling u ur useless and don't under any circumstance have a 2nd helping and all the rest of it. bear in mind she is trying to kill u and u have a life to live. all the best, u can do it

Zombie and Milan

Thank you! Your words, though blunt, are refreshing to hear. I know I have to give myself a good kick in the butt. I've tried several times and failed. My need to be perfect at everything I attempt has made this failure unbearable. I get so down on myself when I should really be pulling myself up, dusting off, and giving it another good go. I think Im ready. Im just about at my wits end with this darn ED and I am more determined than ever to kick it's a#$! Im scared but have no other choice. Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!

Shannon

good on u!!! and good luck too, i know it seems scary now, it did for me too b/c my problems had become a part of my identity and i did not know what lay underneath them anymore. remember that success is failure turned inside out, and just because u lapse and turn to ur ED one day it doesn't mean u r back to square one, instead take it as something new u have learnt about ur ED that u can use to ur advantage in the future

Hi my name is Ashley iam 17 years old i know how hard it is i wish i could just give up to but then i think of something that makes me hapy like reading or i write my thoughs down or write poems if you want to talk PM me and i will try to help you i have both anorexia amd bulimia so i know how it is

welcome to PC ashley! i find writing and reading makes me happy too, they were both a great help to me in overcoming anorexia and depression. i used to have anorexia but have been well in that respect for almost 3 years now...so if there's anything i could do to help or if u just want to talk, feel free to pm me!

I know exactly how you feel. I feel like giving up sometimes too. I was in day treatment for being anorexic and bulimic. I just thought that you should know that you arent the only one out there that has this problem. I may have gone to treatment for this problem but that doesnt mean that I got better. I still have alot of problems with purging. I made it look like I was getting better when I was there so that I could get out of that place. I would like to keep talking to you more about this. I am 14 and I know how you feel. Just please dont give up. It's not worth it. Please send me a private message sometime. TTYL