Eating disorder, or just funny eating habits?

Since age 12 my eating habits have been somewhat all over the place.
It started at school, when I wasn't exactly big (I was average size) but I wanted to be super skinny to fit in and have friends, because apparently it was 'cool' to be skinny and you were a nobody if you were anything less than stick thin.
So I began by skipping breakfast at first, then after a while lunch too. I'd then get away with as little dinner as possible. The thrill I got seeing the scales dropping was unreal. By the time I was 14, I was skin and bone. Certain people used to comment that my bum was huge still, I already had enough insecurities.
I carried on this way until I was 16 when I met my sons dad, who convinced me to start eating a bit more. I remember the day I gave in, I was so fed up by that point of feeling so hungry all the time and ate a can of mushroom soup. It was like the best thing ever! But at the same time I was overwhelmed with guilt. Fast forward a couple of years when I fell pregnant with my eldest, I didn't over eat but ate all the wrong things and the weight piled on. Once he was born I tried this weird diet and some weight loss pills which worked a treat initially, once I stopped it all went back on, plus extra and I then spent my twenties (from about 19-27) eating tons of food and not the healthy kind. I hated what I looked like and how I felt but couldn't seem to stop eating. I was classed morbidly obese.
There was a brief period where I joined Slimming World and it really helped me adopt some very healthy eating habits. After I left, almost a year down the line my sons dad and I split and he then passed away. I reacted to the grief and stress by not eating. Ever since, I've not been able to eat properly. I lived on dry crackers and water for quite some time and the weight fell off even more with my last pregnancy. It's a strange, indescribable problem. I have a few reasons to justify not eating - one would be to combat anxiety because I have an extreme phobia of stomach related illnesses and being sick, so avoiding food means nothing to bring up, means I won't get ill. I know that makes no sense.
Another reason is I am terrified of becoming overweight again. I am now a healthy weight for my height, for the first time in years (I'm now 30).
But, even though I don't want to be overweight, I will binge on sugar, it's like I'm addicted to it. So, my typical diet usually looks like this - a couple of cereal bars a day, or a couple of chocolate bars then a sachet of Batchelors Pasta 'N' Sauce. The latter being a 'good' day.
In a weird way I actually enjoy the days I eat less than that because I love to have control and its one of the few things I have control over. Everyone gets on my case telling me to eat more or I'll disappear. On paper I know I'm not overweight but I still think I look fat. I love seeing the scales going down once again and have attempted healthy eating, but I don't feel in control like that because if I allow myself to eat more, even if its healthy, where does it end? I'll end up with an appetite that I don't want. I like feeling empty.
I feel this links with other issues I have, but is this just funny eating habits or is this a problem? I don't think this really fits into any eating disorder category? And surely if I'm happy with eating what I do and losing a few more pounds, that's ok? Or not? I feel a bit confused because of the way I feel and the lectures I get.

This doesn't sound like silly little habits at all; it sounds like a serious problem. I like to feel empty also, otherwise I feel as if I have deadweights inside me. From what I've been told, when you've had eating problems before, they can still be rooted in you. Maybe you should talk to a dietitian or someone you trust that can help you? Hope this helps

Seeing as we are not medical professionals here, we cannot diagnose you with an eating disorder or anything else for that matter. IMHO it sounds like disordered eating, but that is my opinion. Probably the best place for you to start to get help is at you GP's office and be honest with them. Print out this post and show it to them. Get help before it is too late and your children have no one to care for them. Again, this is only my opinion.

I would definitely see a doctor about this. At the very least, see a nutritionist. The types of foods you describe as eating range from "not good" to "terrible" for you, and perhaps just getting some help as to what to eat will help you feel better instantly. You may not be gaining weight from them, but the damage they are doing to your insides and the nutrients you aren't receiving will indeed yield consequences as time progresses, and are doing so each day. Again, just having some guidance on what to eat can turn bad eating habits around - your metabolism will normalize, sugar cravings will subside when you're getting other nutrients you need, and not just physically will you feel more "awake" but mentally you will feel the differences, too.

I agree with the above posters - we're not doctors, but my personal opinion is that this sounds like disordered eating. Eating disorders don't always fit into categories, and when they don't they are called "non-specific," so that might be where this fits for you. Everyone is different.

I would go to the doctor, get some blood work done to check levels and get a physical. See a nutritionist that focuses on portion control, not "dieting," but real eating, with "raw"/whole and unprocessed foods. Have your doctor release your records to the nutritionist so they have an even better idea of how to help you. Because of the background you describe in terms of your relationship, so to speak, with food as an adolescent, I would suggest seeing a therapist too, but if you're not comfortable then at the very least see a nutritionist.

I relate completely with enjoying the feeling of being empty inside - sometimes I wish there was a drawer in my stomach I could pull after eating and just dump the food out. Completely understand the control bit too, with stress especially. Don't let this go any further! Old habits die hard and I won't lie and say any bit of it is easy, but it is well worth it, to have a handle on what's going on. If you think the control of abstaining from food is good, imagine what it's like knowing you've self-controlled yourself to tip top shape and health. Healthy is the new skinny.

Thanks to all for your replies.
Redsoft, thank you. I feel really stupid because I have all the knowledge on what to eat and stuff to be healthy and I know deep down, eating a healthy balanced diet won't make me gain pounds. I used to be a member of Slimming World and that really helped me. It gave me the know how to eat properly and cook from scratch and I absolutely loved cooking healthy meals and I enjoyed eating them just as much, especially when I discovered that it was helping me lose weight in a healthy way. I was very overweight back then so it was beneficial to me to lose weight. Both physically and mentally. I think now at a healthy weight it's just mentally it would do me good to lose a little. I don't want to lose loads, but I'd like to be in the middle of the healthy weight range rather than at the top end.
But like you say, old habits die hard. I did rejoin Slimming World to try to get a grip on eating better, but rediscovering everything I could have sent me into a bit of a panic. I went twice, but haven't been now for almost a month. It's difficult getting back into the swing of it and feeling as in control as if I didn't eat.

Hm, so is going just making you intimidated/overwhelmed by all there is to do or that you feel you should be doing? I assume it's like a support group and class setting type organization...? Do you maybe have a friend that would go with you? Even if they know about nutrition and are on top of things, seems like you said they offer cooking classes, so that could be a way to rope a buddy in.

Plans with someone are harder to break than a commitment to one's self a lot of the time, and would probably help with over-focusing on yourself, if that's a problem (it certainly is for me), since you'd be interacting with someone you really know, too. Or, again, even just making an appointment (also harder to break) with a nutritionist one time to help give you total clarity and a plan could be motivating, even if it just ends up providing validation that you're on the right track and can do it.

Sounds like you really want to make a change, and that's step one and two, haha, so that's good.

That's probably why I don't have friends, because the problems with anxiety I have make it hard to commit to anything. Anger also, I'll blow up in my head and then seem to revert back to a teenager and its to hell with everything.
They don't offer cooking classes as such, but it is a support group for those who want/need to lose weight. I really cannot praise them enough, such lovely people. The first group I attended years back, I had such fun there. I could just be me, I found I didn't have to put up a front after going a few times. I already knew the consultant as she was a family friend so that was helpful.
Basically, it's like Weight Watchers but a completely different eating plan and (so I hear from ex WW members) much more supportive. I've never been to WW before so I can't really comment on their support, but I've seen many unhappy with how that plan went and heard a few horror stories of some being given a telling off if they hasn't done particularly well that week. I'm sure they're not all like that though. It's too complicated for me to explain their plan, but in a nutshell they tell you the foods you can have as much as you like, then the foods that you should use for calcium and fibre that should be measured like cheese for example. Then there are your 'syns' which you have a certain amount of every day and you could use them for chocolate, crisps, sweets etc or for extra 'healthy extras' so cheese, milk, bread and so on. They encourage you to use up all your syn allowance daily so you don't feel you're depriving yourself of the 'naughty' treats you love. The 'free' foods are endless. I found it absolutely amazing that I could make a huge bowl of pasta and a homemade tomato based sauce and eat as much as I liked. In my first week ever, I lost loads, but I'd eaten more than ever and was shocked. I'd not only eaten more than I would have done before, but I'd eaten very healthily, not gone hungry for even a millisecond and my jeans actually fitted! The members there were absolute stars, so friendly and such wicked sense of humour. I really miss that group. Sadly, the consultant at the time was under a lot of stress, then working full time in a job that was very challenging and stressful, then running those groups on top, it was too much so she left
I feel a bit uncomfortable in this current group. Like I don't belong. I started there with my husband because even though he doesn't need to lose an ounce, he wanted the encouragement to eat healthily as he's always lived off fast food. His normal diet would consist of nothing all day then eating a microwave burger or something similar in the evening, he just didn't have an appetite until we joined there. He then gained a healthy appetite, ate more and even though we weren't strict with ourselves still managed to lose a little. Don't know why he worries so much, I think he looks totally hot, but he's worried he's getting a flabby belly!
I think the reason I don't feel comfortable there is because those groups usually consist of people who are overweight, so us going there I feel like I'm taking the biscuit. Pun not intended. It didn't help that our first day we had the groups target member come up to us and question why we had joined. She kept saying why are you here, but making a point of saying "I don't understand why you've joined, your husband doesn't need to lose weight he's already skinny". I did try to explain to her that it was for him the aspect of learning to eat healthily and for me it was re adopting those healthy habits plus I did want to lose a small amount so I felt comfortable. In that nice place where you don't have to worry if you gain or lose a few pounds without going over or under a healthy weight. That's what I want to achieve. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin, even as a small child I always felt I was a little chubby, then in my teens I was way too small. It's always to one extreme. I hate that. I just want a healthy relationship with food. My panic I think, is that I'll enjoy eating so much that I'll end up making the wrong choices thinking I can get away with it, then ending up very overweight again. That was an awful struggle. It's literally taken me a decade to shed that. I need to rewire the way I think of food and regain the confidence I used to have around it.

Agh! I hate when people assume that because you're thin, you must be healthy. I have a few overweight family members, and if I ever mention even offhandedly about wanting to get in better shape, I get this complete stink-eye from them. Who made the rule that if you're an average weight, you can't talk about your health concerns anymore? I just get berated like I'm being a complete idiot, about something. It's just other people's insecurities surfacing, though. Still, not a great excuse for making light of someone's else's emotions or struggles just because they look different than you!

Personally, group situations to me are just a completely off-putting thing - I feel even MORE vulnerable, rather than supported. Mind, I also have social anxiety, lol. I don't mean to sound like a broken record or overbearing or anything, but still based on what you're saying I think a private nutritionist consult would be awesome. Having that private atmosphere where no one will passively try to pry because you look healthy/thin or pass judgement could be really good, as would having your own completely personalized "plan," which can really curb concerns with your relationship with food since you can tell that to the nutritionist and they can tailor their suggestions with that in mind and help you with constructing your own boundaries and methods. Plus, one program for everyone can be sketchy. Different bodies need different things. Again, sorry if I'm sounding pushy, lol - I've sort of turned into a nutrition freak, but I figure I could have a worse problem. XD

Yes I totally get what you're saying, all of it. I'm guilty of it at times, when my sister says she wants to get into shape and I'm like what for, you already are! But that's because she's always been tiny, I get where she's coming from really, because she means tone up.
And group situations I absolutely hate! No matter how lovely this group is and they really are, but I forced myself to go. Almost left, I would've left if my husband hasn't been there with me!
I see your point on a nutritionist, that's a really great idea and I will give it a lot of thought. I would like to get to the bottom of why some foods seem to trigger anxiety and panic too. Like brown bread, I used to be able to eat it, but I can't go near it now because I get terrible stomach cramps and then it makes me sick. I have no idea why. My brother out of nowhere developed food allergies so I'm wondering if I have too. There's a great centre near me that does loads of alternative therapies but they also have nutritionists and allergy testing too. I went there for some shiatsu sessions whilst pregnant and they were fab. I might give them a call