eating disorder's daily check in spot

Iguanadon · Apr 24, 2015, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spondiferous

I feel like I'm at a crossroads. On the one hand, even though I definitely don't feel like I'm in a place where my ED is 'under control,' I do feel like, in the context of being 'uncontrolled,' it is the best it's ever been. At the same time I have definitely plateaued. I do not feel healthy, vital, energetic. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, as the saying goes.

In four months and a bit my wife and I will be moving out of the city to a different place. I am nervous about what affect a whole new environment (a place I've never lived before) will have on my depression, anxiety, panic, and eating disorders. At the same time, it is a small city that has is an epicentre of health and justice, and so there are many more treatment options for me there that I simply cannot access here due to lack of funds and availability, like herbal and traditional medicine, acupuncture, and an eating disorder program that is not only community based and self-referred (just have to have a GP), but also includes things like art and expressive therapies and energy healing, all of which I respond extremely well to as a creative and empathic person.

So, in a sense, I have hope. I have hope that I can begin to heal on a level that works for me, and not for the various health professionals that really just keep regurgitating the same information to me. I just hope I can get there in one piece.

I wish you all the best today - the most peace, the most safety, the most ease of mind that you can possibly have.

Awesome!!

I'm doing fair. No appointments this week, so that's good. I still haven't weighed myself (I haven't in over a year!) . . .though there are times when I really want to, I know it's not the best thing for me to do if I want any chance of recovery. Or at least staying out of the hospital for another x months.

pinkflower17 · Apr 24, 2015, 12:50 PM

Doing...okay. Starting to accept the reality that I'm going to have to go to IP treatment, probably for several months, likely at Johns Hopkins. Going to have to gain a lot of weight and give up a lot of behaviors that feel like they're helping me cope now. Worried about how I'm going to manage it financially, worried about missing anymore of my life, but I'll be dead. And soon if I don't do something. Eating hasn't been great, but hasn't been the worst it's ever been, but I wouldn't expect it to be great right now. Not eating more than maybe one semi-decent meal a day and sometimes not even that. Probably should stop running so much too. Trying to hang on until the end of the month so I can go to my brother's wedding. That's the tentative plan unless something catastrophic happens and I end up with cardiac failure in the ICU again. Then there's no passing go, no collecting $200, I'm going straight to treatment, so crossing my fingers and doing the best I can.
Hugs and strength to all who are struggling, summer seems to be a rough time for a lot of people. Hang in there everyone.

buttrfli42481 · Apr 28, 2015, 06:14 PM

I ate dinner tonight and now have the very strong urge to purge. I am on Zofran for nausea however I can't take anymore until bedtime. What's the point of having it to help me eat if I can only take it at certain times? Plus my parents told me some rather upsetting news during dinner. If they only knew how much I am struggling.

breakmystride · Apr 29, 2015, 04:12 PM

Getting urges to binge and urges to restrict at the same time is the worst thing. I'm so confused and mixed up and I'm sure whatever I eat, I'm going to have the wrong amount. And anxiety about other things has been really bad today, so I've been randomly bursting into tears every couple hours.

Iguanadon · May 01, 2015, 01:40 PM

Really wanted to weigh myself today, but I didn't!! I haven't weighed myself in over a year!!

waggiedog · May 01, 2015, 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinkflower17

Finally leaving the medical hospital next Monday or Tuesday after almost 6 wks for issues from my ED and dreading the thought of the next step. Theoretically, am going to go to Johns Hopkins inpatient program within the next week or so, but I'm dreading the idea so much. I don't even know if I can handle the idea of being back in the hospital AGAIN, this time, likely for longer.
Has anyone else done inpatient or residential treatment when they really didn't want to? How did it turn out? Was it still helpful?
I feel like all I'd get out of it right now is some weight gain and I wouldn't purge or overexercise for however long I was there. I just don't know if I'm ready to give all those behaviors up and I feel like I might just go right back to where I started....If I don't do something, I'm going to die. I get told that on a daily basis, multiple times a day, but I'm just so tired of it all and I just don't know if I have the strength I'll need to do this whole treatment thing right now.
Can anyone else relate?

Oh dear dear Pinkflower, I sure DO UNDERSTAND. I've had every ED known to Dr's (and more I've made up myself) and that has spaned around 35 years, I've totally given up on ''curing'' myself and nobody else can either. The way I deal with it now is to stay a low weight BUT, not in any danger. I'm very short at 4' 11" so my low weight actually doesn't alarm the medical profession, however they don't know what I have to do to stay this weight, and those things ARE dangerous. I also understand you feel you don't have the strength to continue, but that's because your body is crying out for nourishment and not punishment darling. I've been in~patient many times, but back then ED's were not known about as they are today, these days they know there's a strong psychological approach and it's not just about ''fattening up''. Try and go for the programme or treatment planned, after all, nobody can actually force you to do things which upset you too much. Good luck and let us know how you get along. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

waggiedog · May 01, 2015, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinkflower17

I pretty much hate myself. I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve to do something positive like eat, I wish I could just starve myself or exercise myself away to absolutely nothing. Because that's what I feel I am, worthless and consistent of nothing but crap. All I do is screw everything up, I really don't even want to try anymore. Life is pointless, what's the point of even existing? I wish someone would have told me this a long time ago.

Dearest Pinkflower, I'm just catching up on past posts because I've been too c***** to be here myself, basically I think exactly about myself as you do about you darling. We LOVE and CARE about you here BIG TIME, honestly AND us ED'ers do def understand your feelings, especially about wanting to give up. PLEEZE keep coming back to share, even if it's depressing, hunny we are here to share and help and listen.

waggiedog · May 01, 2015, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by breakmystride

Today was a horrible day. Really wish I had someone I could talk to in person.

Darling, I very much wish I could speak with you in person, but that's somewhat difficult when we are on different sides of the pond!! However hunny, PLEEZE do do message me and I WILL reply, no matter what you want to talk about. You won't ever shock me, im 56 and seen a lot of life, some id rather not have seen. You can always write me a PM if it's very personal or delicate remember. LOVE, as ever. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

waggiedog · May 01, 2015, 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Balanceplease

I just binge so bad last night. I have been going through a lot of major life stresses and feel very lonely

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Darling, I so so know how absolutely AWFUL binging makes you feel, On and off I've binged all of my life (I'm 56 and had ED's for 35 years). I've been overeating these last two weeks on and off and it's made me go on a serious downer. I was on cloud nine when I lost weight and got down to my own personal ''ideal'', then I had to go through a de~tox re~hab programme to give up my long addiction to narcotic painkillers. I'd completely forgotten that narcos take away hunger pangs, thus I gained too much weight in a few days, I was soooooooooooooooooo unhappy I just went off the programme and started the narcos again, not a smart move I know. Sometimes binging eats away at you for hours until you finally give in, and it can be totally impossible to fight off that binge. You're not alone hunny, really you are not. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

buttrfli42481 · May 01, 2015, 04:37 PM

My t in IOP made 2 of my goals focused on my ED. The first one is to increase my water intake to 32oz a day! The second is to eat 3meals and or snacks a day. I think my eyes were as big as saucers when she told me that. And I need to keep it up once I leave IOP in about a month.

waggiedog · May 01, 2015, 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HonestlyLying

I'm suicidal tonight. I can't eat and my brain is fried. I feel out of touch with the human race. I watch people eat and I just shake my head. I know I can't eat. How ridiculous is that? I don't feel like a human any longer.

Darling, I soooo feel for you, I really do. Only tonight I went past the pizza parlour and stopped and watched all the ''normal'' folk ordering their meal, chatting and laughing, and others eating their meals. I just had to check them out to see if they were large people or skinny ones (my obsession) I just can't get it into my head that skinny people do actually eat without getting fat!!!!! I can't even look at a ''normal'' meal without it ending up on my hips ~ a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips and all that jazz. I'd have given anything not to have been born and raised with an eating disorder, my whole family are basically compulsive eaters so mine is 'learned behaviour' I guess. I'm here if you need to talk hun.

waggiedog · May 01, 2015, 05:26 PM

Hi everybody. I wonder if anyone out there really understands. Although I've been anorexic (hospitalised many times), bulimic, compulsive eater and severe with the binge/purge routine, I seem to be the only one who is severely restricting who seems to get so very hungry. I can get through the days and into evening, (starving all the time) then when it comes to bedtime I cave in and eat things I absolutely shouldn't. When I was anorexic in the Psych hospital I was never hungry, these days from around 3pm I've starving and think about nothing but food, it just so annoying and makes me extremely angry with myself. I know restricting encourages binging but it didn't always do this. I'm at a low weight (but gaining fast) but I'm certainly not in the danger zone at all. I don't know what to do about this night eating, but it's making me gain too much weight. I only ever eat alone, I can't eat in front of other people, no matter who they are, I think that they think ''why is that fat person stuffing her face''!! I was a very fat child and other children took the micky badly, calling me horrible names. I'm at the point where I really don't want to depart this world huge, I'd rather go now while ''acceptable'' weight. My whole world revolves around weight, food and body dysmorphia. Its getting to the point where I want to give up. Sorry about this depressing message.

breakmystride · May 02, 2015, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by waggiedog

Hi everybody. I wonder if anyone out there really understands. Although I've been anorexic (hospitalised many times), bulimic, compulsive eater and severe with the binge/purge routine, I seem to be the only one who is severely restricting who seems to get so very hungry. I can get through the days and into evening, (starving all the time) then when it comes to bedtime I cave in and eat things I absolutely shouldn't.

I can relate to this SO MUCH, when I was at my lowest weight my eating habits were fasting for a long period of time, and then going on a huge binge because I was just so freaking hungry. Then in recovery, after a period of time where I was never hungry at all, I went through months where I just couldn't stop eating junk food.

Quote:

Originally Posted by waggiedog

[COLOR="DarkSlateBlue" I'm at the point where I really don't want to depart this world huge, I'd rather go now while ''acceptable'' weight. [/COLOR]

Not very many people know it, but when I attempted suicide, I'd been having suicidal thoughts for a long time before I actually acted on it. I was waiting until I felt skinny enough to go. In a weird way, I think my eating disorder was one of the main things that kept me alive for those months when it was at it's worst.

Sorry because I realize that this isn't very helpful, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling like this. I think that's one of the things that sucks about mental illnesses is that you always have that sense that your feelings are shameful and weird when actually there are lots of people going through the exact same feelings.

Iguanadon · May 03, 2015, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by breakmystride

I can relate to this SO MUCH, when I was at my lowest weight my eating habits were fasting for a long period of time, and then going on a huge binge because I was just so freaking hungry. Then in recovery, after a period of time where I was never hungry at all, I went through months where I just couldn't stop eating junk food.

I'm falling into this pattern, too (fasting all day then eating most of my food within a 3-hour time span). I feel like it's so much easier than having to eat something every few hours. But I know it's a behavior. I just can't bring myself to stop eating this way.

My mother and bf have commented on my weight loss recently. So much for trying to hide it. :/ I honestly don't know how much I've lost as I don't weigh myself, but I can venture a guess. I don't want to go into treatment (again) but I don't want to gain weight.

RisuNeko · May 03, 2015, 03:40 PM

I binged a bit last night and I'm not used to eating at night and I felt so guilty I purged for the first time in a long long time. I regret it because I don't want to make it a habit again but I'm already gaining weight this week and I just felt too disgusted with myself. Today will be better.

waggiedog · May 03, 2015, 07:52 PM

Yeah, many thanks for your explatitons of your varous eatime/earing habbits ~~ or loack of. Either wat we will end yo feeling very very down, wvwn depressed. However these are def natural answers to short term action, they really need help of a 'T' but in the short time binging makes you feel a hundred times worse and that's the bit that makes us feel useless, worthless etc. Kepp coming back to keep this thread going, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

waggiedog · May 03, 2015, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by buttrfli42481

My t in IOP made 2 of my goals focused on my ED. The first one is to increase my water intake to 32oz a day! The second is to eat 3meals and or snacks a day. I think my eyes were as big as saucers when she told me that. And I need to keep it up once I leave IOP in about a month.

Hello dearey. Please peleeze try your best and do these things, even though I understand they are real scary to you ~ it's your meal ticket (excuse the pun) to a safe and healthy happy life. You CAN beat this but one day at a time, or a I do, one hour at a time!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Iguanadon · May 04, 2015, 12:28 PM

I think my bf is really clued into what my body looks like now. He kept poking me yesterday.

Part of me feels like a failure (for ****ing up recovery), but the sick part of me feels like a smashing success. Mostly I just feel guilty. You can't win with this ****ing thing.

RisuNeko · May 04, 2015, 05:18 PM

Oh the ambivalence! I feel for you.

breakmystride · May 04, 2015, 09:45 PM

Haven't eaten today. I know I need to, but I just feel too worthless.

Gr3tta · May 05, 2015, 08:31 PM

My wife admitted for the first time that i am much too skinny. She had been afraid to say so. I was glad she was honest. It didn't cause any arguing.

pinkflower17 · May 05, 2015, 09:30 PM

Haven't eaten today. Am probably not going to. Was supposed to go to IP treatment for the 7th time next month, but can't now. Was offered a once in a lifetime job opportunity that I just can't turn down, so now it's up to me and only me. And I'm scared. So, so scared.

ShaggyChic_1201 · May 05, 2015, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by buttrfli42481

My t in IOP made 2 of my goals focused on my ED. The first one is to increase my water intake to 32oz a day! The second is to eat 3meals and or snacks a day. I think my eyes were as big as saucers when she told me that. And I need to keep it up once I leave IOP in about a month.

Oh buttrfli, what happened? You were doing so well. Was it learning what you weighed that set you off? or the challenge of trying to eat on a very busy schedule?

I'm glad you are at IOP, not IP. You know how to get back to a safe weight. You have reason to do so. Please ignore your Ana brain and do it again. Do it to spite your parents, if for no other reason.