[Laina M.]

Sorry, this post might be kind of triggering for EDs and self-injury, please be careful.

I feel so trapped. I've been eating again for about a year now, but ever since seeing my BMI on the test here I've just been really triggered, it was sneaking up on me but that just made it so much worse. Despite never having any concerns from Drs over my weight, having great cholesterol & overall physical healthy, I have an overweight BMI. I exercise daily, have a lot of muscle mass, and don't eat too poorly (lots of veggies and fruits, not much fast food or processed food). I know BMI is really unscientific and outdated and a lot of doctors don't put stock in it but I still feel so awful.

I feel so disgusting all of the time, and I just wish I could cut the fat out of me. I'm never going to start purging again because it doesn't actually make you lose weight and my stomach & throat are really ****ed up, but I keep telling myself if I don't lose weight by autumn I'm going to start restricting again because then I can lose weight quickly. It'll be difficult because when I don't eat I get really bad acid reflux and vomit acid from my last bout with ED but I feel so self-destructive and promising myself that I'll lose the weight no matter what down the long road is the only thing keeping me from even more violent self-harm and self-injury. It's freaking me out.

I'm also taking a high dosage of seroquel, 1200mg, and that might be contributing I know but going off it is just not an option for me. I have psychosis as well, and I need the seroquel to function.

It scares me that maybe this is my natural, stable, body weight and the only way to get a "normal" weight is to be starving. When I weighed 40 pounds less I was "normal" for my height, but I looked like I was starving, my hair was falling out, and I had a heart murmur.

I feel so upset right now and I just want all of this to go away.

Sorry for the upsetting post. I don't know what to do. The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing I can lose the weight quickly if I start restricting again.

[albrecht86]

I know what it's like to fully realize how much bs BMI is and yet... feel obsessively under its influence :/ so I extend my warm regard to you.

That being said, I think the "looked I was starving" is a thought you should hold onto. it didn't really hit me how much wrong following a BMI is until one day I glanced at myself in the mirror and realized I can see all my ribs and arm muscles... even tho my BMI says im in "perfect" zone. your own body is a better indicator of your health than a random chart made by a few scientists who generalize data over many, many, vastly different people, missing out on outliers, important lifestyle differences and genetics.

[Victoria'smom]

seroquel can make it hard to loose weight. Have you tried other more weight neutral AP's because it triggers your ED? Have you ever tried a body fat percentage measurement? You really need to talk to your T and Pdoc because this is creeping slowly into a crisis issue.