I was looking on my computer yesterday and found some pictures I took when I was at my lowest weight.

On one hand I can see that I was sick. My eyes were dead I looked physically ill. I pity myself.

On the other hand I hate myself for gaining all that weight back and I HAVE TO LOSE IT. Lose it and more because even though I looked sick I wasn't skinny enough and wasn't sick enough because NO ONE NOTICED.

I want to lose all this weight and look sick and have people notice how sick and how thin I am. I want to show them that I'm not who they think I am and not this perfect child and not to be used and ignored.

I feel like not eating again. I shouldn't eat anymore. I need to be thin and sick so they'll notice.

[eskielover]

On the other hand I hate myself for gaining all that weight back and I HAVE TO LOSE IT. Lose it and more because even though I looked sick I wasn't skinny enough and wasn't sick enough because NO ONE NOTICED.

I want to lose all this weight and look sick and have people notice how sick and how thin I am. I want to show them that I'm not who they think I am and not this perfect child and not to be used and ignored.

Problem is that they didn't notice because people like that don't think of anyone but themselves......you could starve yourself into nothing & they still wouldn't notice because they live in their own world.

I understand you are trying to make a statement with your weight loss & try to get them to understand that you even exist & are a valuable person who needs to be validated for WHO YOU ARE.

Unfortunately putting your own life at risk to get them to pay attention & to realize that you are an important part of the family takes something more like family therapy to get them to wake up & see the reality of life.

What you are doing is similar to the person who OD's with a suicide attempt as a cry for help that a change in the family dynamics is necessary....to give them a wake up call....but usually we only end up hurting ourselves & don't end up achieving the point we are really trying to make......there are other more healthy ways to make the statement you are trying to make & I do hope that you can figure out what works for your family rather than harming yourself in the process

Sitting down & trying to have a rational conversation would be a much more practical, safe, & mature way of trying to relate. I do understand your feeling that it takes something drastic to hit them over the head...but I think you will be seriously disappointed because most times people who ignore things like that will continue to ignore no matter how bad you get....it's not worth taking the chance that they will continue to ignore until after the ED has killed you....& that's not really the result you are wanting either.

If you have a T.....I would suggest you talk to them because they are better at arranging family discussions & bringing up important issues.....however I do understand what you are wanting to accomplish....I don't think your method is in your best interest or will accomplish what you are really hoping for.

[Victoria'smom]

Thinking back everyone knew but no one knew what to say. Anything said just made things worse and their hurt showed in the form of anger