[ar2004]

I have been struggling with eating off and on for at least 17 years. I am now 31 and I have never talked to anyone about my problem until this summer when I started therapy for a totally different reason. I did not even realize I had fallen back into the eating behaviors of significantly restricting my calorie intake and increasing my exercising until I had been doing it for a couple months. I also did not want to talk about it in therapy once I realized I had relapsed into the behaviors but it ended up coming out in our third therapy session. When I talked about my eating problem to my therapist the first time, she immediately asked if I had an ED and I quickly responded no--even though I wasn't really sure since I have never been officially diagnosed. The subject didn't really come up in our next few sessions but I mentioned to her in our last session that I was still having trouble with eating. After talking a little more about it she asked me again if I think I have an ED and I just said, I don't know maybe. I am afraid to admit to myself or anyone that I probably have an ED. I guess I feel that admitting or acknowledging it means I have to get help and I go back and forth between wanting to get help and wanting to get through it on my own.

I have lost some weight since the beginning of summer. I am still in the normal weight range for my height but only a few pounds away from the minimum of the range. I keep wanting to lose more weight. When I had an EKG and some blood work done by my MD over a week ago, everything came back normal which was a relief but I think it also made me think my eating and exercise behaviors must be ok so I keep going. I am nervous about my appointment this week with my therapist because I know we are going to talk about my eating problem since she made note last time that we needed to talk about it. I vowed to myself that I will always be honest with my therapist because it would be a waste of my time and money if I wasn't but it is really hard to be totally open about what is going on. I am scared to admit to my therapist how many times I have starved myself to lose weight, how I feel overweight even when people tell me I am thin, and that I don't think I can pull myself out of it alone this time.

I need help admitting to myself that I have an ED because I keep convincing myself that I do not and it only seems to fuel my behaviors all the more. I am hoping to find some support from other people who have ED's and know what this struggle is like.

[wiltedxdaisy]

Hi ar2004,
I can see that you are really struggling with some things right now. I was afraid to get help for my ED when it first started to get really bad and I realized I had a problem. I was afraid I would be judged and that if people found out they would think I was a failure, because to me, I looked too fat to have an eating disorder. I tried to recover on my own, and I did to some extent, but it ALWAYS came back. I am not saying this is impossible to do, but for me it was. I have a therapist and psychiatrist now, and both of them know about my struggles. I used to struggle with Anorexia but am now fall under the EDNOS category, as my ED has changed a bit over the years. I actually consider myself to be in recovery right now, and I know I could not have come this far had I not opened myself up to help. Perhaps if you could get a diagnosis it could help you accept and admit to yourself that this is REAL. It is something that is hard to accept, but sooner or later you will have to accept this as your reality if you want to get better. It is nothing to be ashamed of, which I how I used to feel, but now I try to remind people that this is an illness, same as any other type of illness. It is NOT your fault. I wish you loads of luck and if you would like to talk more feel free to send me a PM or leave me a visitor message. I will keep you in my thoughts..

[spondiferous]

Welcome to PC.
It's difficult to start talking about ED. Especially if like you mentioned it's been something you've been living with for 17 years. I only just started being open about mine within the last few years. Now I am 'out' about it to pretty much everyone in my life; part of my journey in recovery is trying to educate people about EDs and how they affect people, who can have them, etc. I don't blame you for being nervous to see your therapist. I always get nervous about talking about my ED with someone for the first time. Even if it's in a recovery-safe environment. Hopefully you are able to feel here that it is a safe place to talk about the stuff you struggle with, and also your successes.

[Victoria'smom]

Welcome to PC.
Just because you admit it does not mean you have to work on it until you are ready. You probably have a lot to work on. I hardly talk about ED and T knows it's a topic that makes it easy for me to quickly shut down, become very cold and short with her. She generally asks me how much I've been eating and drinking and leaves it at that. If I bring it up, we'll talk about it until I start shutting down. T knows it's hard for me to even realize I still have an ED from how far I've come. Try your best that's all you can ask of yourself. I think most of us go in for other things.

[ar2004]

Thank you for this. You are right that I have a lot to work on. Sometimes as the issues arise in between sessions, I am not sure what needs talking about the most. I want to try to be open but I hope my T will be understanding and know when we need to move on to talk about something else if I can't continue. Part of me wants to go from acknowledgment to recovered without going through all the in between, hard, emotional stuff which I know is totally unrealistic but it is probably what I have been trying to do every other time this problem has come up.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Welcome to PC.
Just because you admit it does not mean you have to work on it until you are ready. You probably have a lot to work on. I hardly talk about ED and T knows it's a topic that makes it easy for me to quickly shut down, become very cold and short with her. She generally asks me how much I've been eating and drinking and leaves it at that. If I bring it up, we'll talk about it until I start shutting down. T knows it's hard for me to even realize I still have an ED from how far I've come. Try your best that's all you can ask of yourself. I think most of us go in for other things.

[ar2004]

Maybe someday I will be able to be more open and trust myself and other people. It is very hard to explain what is going on with my eating to anyone because I have kept it to myself for so long but I know my T is there to help me try to become the best me (or at least that's what my online research says a therapist does). The one friend I opened up to last week doesn't really understand and only comes at me with the medical implications of my problem since she is a nurse. I don't find that very helpful even though I know she is right. I don't think she realizes that I didn't choose this. I find that I get more understanding and support online through anonymous forums like this one.

Originally Posted by spondiferous

Welcome to PC.
It's difficult to start talking about ED. Especially if like you mentioned it's been something you've been living with for 17 years. I only just started being open about mine within the last few years. Now I am 'out' about it to pretty much everyone in my life; part of my journey in recovery is trying to educate people about EDs and how they affect people, who can have them, etc. I don't blame you for being nervous to see your therapist. I always get nervous about talking about my ED with someone for the first time. Even if it's in a recovery-safe environment. Hopefully you are able to feel here that it is a safe place to talk about the stuff you struggle with, and also your successes.

[Victoria'smom]

It's really hard for others to understand. It's like some telling you their body can run with out air and then watching them hold their breath until they pass out. Then they wake up, get up, and do it again, each time they pass out smashing their head against the pavement. You'd want to tell them "Hey, stop holding your breath, can't you see the pavement?!". I had to sit down and argue semantics between whether ED is an addiction or OCD behavior. In the end we agreed to disagree.