In an absolute panic over tomorrow (trigger warnings)

All of my safe places -- the library and bookstores mainly, will be closed. I'll have a whole day to just sit around on my *** and think about food. It doesn't help that I'll be eating Thanksgiving with the family and I won't know the calorie amounts of the food.

So today I rushed around. I overshopped, I hoarded, I filled the car up with loads of movies and books and my safe foods and everything, even though I'm supposed to cut down on the hoarding, but I am too afraid that I'll think of something that will pass the time and I won't have it, so I'll end up sitting there and sulking and thinking about food.

I feel like I should compensate for all the extra calories I'll be consuming tomorrow. So I think about cutting back, and I am unhappy with it because cutting back means I'm thinking about food even more. I wish I could skip Thanksgiving altogether, but my parents want me to eat at their house and I'll have to eat enough of that unknown-calorie food to satisfy them.

The scariest part is I know I won't compensate. I'll eat everything I should (and more) and I'll hate myself for not compensating. I'll feel like an utter failure and a joke, and that I have no right to pretend I have an eating disorder, and that I'll never be a success.

I think I forgot to pay my electricity bill on time that month. But what can I expect if I spend all my time fantasizing about food like a sick freak.

Now to go to my parents house because I promised I would and I need to do laundry. It's going to be a painful next few hours.

Lots of hugs to you, winterglen. I know this is a ruff time of year. Hang in there, though. I will if you will. We'll get through this 2gether.