[pte1]

Hi. I haven't been to the dr, so I'm not sure what's up with me, but I do know I'm both worried about where my behaviors are heading and at the same time, terrified to stop doing what I've been doing.

I was obese a few years ago, and now I'm borderline underweight. At first dieting was normal feeling and I had a reasonable attitude, but over time I got weirder and weirder about it. At this point, I'm several clothing sizes below my original goal, get comments from others about how I look... but at the same time, get a lot of "good job" comments for not regaining.

BUT...

I obsessively count calories. I exercise every day for longer than is reasonable, and panic if I think I may have eaten more than I burned off. I binge 1-2 times per week, and then obsess over making up for it (through various methods, though not vomiting).

Food is constantly on my mind, and yet I feel afraid to eat it most of the time. I have been increasingly avoiding social situations because I stress out over what if I overeat at a party or what will I eat in a restaurant because it's all fattening. At home I will pretend I already ate or lie when asked what I had for lunch to conceal the size of my meals. This is crazy, because I am 40 years old.

I weigh myself 1-2 times a day, sometimes more. I am so worried I will get fat again that I can't stop thinking about it, double checking to see if I look fat, and picking on the parts of me that seem fat to me.

Like I said, I'm not super underweight, just a little. I feel like I wouldn't count because I'm not skin and bones, but at the same time, I'm worried that's where it's headed. Every time I drop another pound I'm so pleased, and I don't know if I will stop. At the same time, like I said, I'm terrified of gaining. I'm athletic now and I don't want to get weak.

Any advice? I feel like I'm too old for this!

[eskielover]

I understand what you are saying. For me it takes a major stress in my life to trigger me into that point....but then when I start to loose, it's almost addicting. Interesting is a few years after I was married my MIL decided to diet & started loosing & changed her eating habits completely & just couldn't stop loosing.....so I think there is something to it beyond just for people who are anorexic which is WHY it is such a struggle.

For me nothing really helps because I'm sort of a FREE SPIRIT sort of person. I don't eat, sleep or do anything in my life on a schedule at this point.....didn't when I was an engineer either unless I really had to.....so I end up forgetting what day it is & if I've even eaten that day.....then a couple of days go by & I really loose track of what I have or haven't done or eaten......try to make sure my doggies get fed....but Leo starts getting into every trash bag if I go too long without feeding me & he starts to bark & be a total nuisance.....so I know when he's hungry.

I think for some, going to a nutritionist who can give you the CONCEPT of eating healthy & foods that keep you at the weight you want to stay at could be a good idea. Personally if I were to get into a pattern of eating specific foods that I knew were healthy & wouldn't put on too much weight, then it really MIGHT help.....would know what I could & couldn't eat & wouldn't buy what I didn't want to eat at the store (I live alone now after I finally left my H after 33 years of a bad marriage).

The thing is that we have to want to change & we have to WANT to be healthy in our eating.....or NOTHING will help.....but life is like that anyway in most everything we do or choose NOT to do.

It does help to have someone outside yourself to be accountable to....my psychologist checks with me especially at the stressful times that obviously she knows about.....then bacisally reminds me of my DBT skills & how important it is to eat as the nutrition does help our mind to function & to be able to do the problem solving that we need to do in stressful times.

Know when I went through a horrible trauma at the same time I was loosing weight my pdoc commented about my not seeing clearly what was going on.....I saw it clearly enough & felt it also.....so that really MADE ME ANGRY....but couldn't really blame him either because not eating could very easily cause a person to not see clearly what is going on around....& I ended up so sick I was in the medical hospital because of it....& I couldn't handle the things that happened dealing with the police & the Adult Protective Services.....& things got dropped that shouldn't have.....but having NO support didn't help either.

Eating healthy is so important....but it's NOT easy either for some of us....& we do need outside help to get back to the right way.

A lot of times those who do have an ED have other very serious childhood abuse or trauma's that cause it to start in the first place & those issues need to be resolved as part of healing & recovering from the ED or poor eating habits that started as a child.....ED's are very complex....it's mostly not just about eating, not eating, binging & purging & the not wanting to look fat is usually a by-product of the other things