Eating disorders don't discriminate based on gender

Hi all. More of a reader of the forums rather a participant, but decided to sign up after an episode earlier in the day and wanted some insight.

The episode involved binging at a local sushi restaurant and purging in the bathroom after I had eaten way, way too much. Broken blood vessels underneath my eyes and a sore throat remain as evidence. This is the second time I've done this in my life (both within the last 2 months), but the problem of having a very distorted & dysmorphic view of my body goes way back to my teens, possibly before. I'm currently in my early 30's.

Let's back up a little.

I'm a male and have never been comfortable at all with how my body presents itself to the world. I struggled with severe anorexia in my early/mid-teens and transitioned into binge eating later in my teens/20's. Abused alcohol and drugs daily through my 20's to mask these issues along with severe depression. Diagnosed a few years ago as Bipolar II and it seems I've reverted back to my old habits of trying to control the uncontrollable (my body image). It's as if the mental illness aspect of an eating disorder has come back full force to try and spook me (my terminology). I restrict calories and only eat once daily as a means of controlling my weight (currently at a "healthy" weight for my height and body type). All restricting does is feed into the disorder and I'm well-aware of that and struggle against it all I can. I cannot, except in rare occurrences, enjoy a meal. And this feeds into probably the worst aspect of eating disorders: guilt.

Guilt after eating a meal is the norm in my life (I think we can all share in this feeling of food guilt to some degree). It never subsides. Every calorie I put into my body has an obsessive quality tied to it. Guilt ensues immediately after eating, even if I haven't met my calorie count for the day. The best steak dinner terrorizes me.

Is the guilt tied to low self-esteem, self-hatred, no self-confidence, legitimate mental illness (see above), or idealistic tendencies? Check the 'All of the Above' box for me. Can anyone add anything to this list of possible origins of this mixed bag of eating disorders?

Through media saturation, eating disorders are usually associated with females - usually younger females. Men struggle with this too. It's hell. Eating is a basic human function that has turned into total dysfunction. What if we obsessed about how much oxygen we breathed or what the water feels like when taking a shower? That's what this is like - needless anxiety and guilt over a basic energy source (calories).

Thanks for listening. Got anything to add(?) - any feedback is much appreciated.

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