[ComicBookMommy]

Hello everyone.

A little B/G: I am a former bulimic who has been clear of the behavior for almost 7 years (I quit cold-turkey). While happy that I've stopped the behavior, the mindset is by far the most difficult thing to heal. After 7 years, I feel that I've made giant strides in self confidence and acceptance, but STILL tie up self-worth and my size. I am now pregnant with my third child, and like most women started off bigger than my other two. With the weight gain this pregnancy has brought, I've found a resurgence of the old mindset. I feel worthless, ugly, disgusting, and unattractive. I WANT to enjoy my pregnancy (which is to be my last) and relish what my body can do, and be proud of it. So it is my goal to do things that push me past this mindset, and towards self-acceptance. Which brings me to the last hurdle.

While I was bulimic, I made a lot of public appearances (semi- well known in my field) and had a lot of friends. People around me always commented on my beauty, hotness, and gave me a lot of attention for how I looked. Of course while this made me feel "worthy", it also reconfirmed the (false) fact that I was worthless if I was not thin.

Of course now, 6 years and one child later, I am 30-40 pounds heavier than I used to be, and TERRIFIED of seeing people that used to know me back when I was thin. Especially now that I am pregnant and gaining more again, I have almost gone into hiding (I work from home, so it's easy to do) so people won't see how I look now.

THIS is the hurdle. I am hiding from my family, friends, and peers in my field, and it is hindering the happiness I COULD have if I just embraced and loved myself as-is. I am going on a trip soon, one in which I could choose to see a lot of old friends (who I am dying to see!) but they haven't seen me since I was thin. I panicked when I found out I'd be going through their town, and instantly tried to think up lies (and I never lie!) on how to not see them, or how to "sneak" through town and avoid them. I was shocked that, after all my years of inner work, I had not accepted myself enough to not avoid people.

Not only that, but I have a HUGE work thing coming up that is centered on a huge accomplishment of mine, but it requires public appearances, and I have been trying to get out of this too!

So here's what I decided (and it hasn't been easy!!). I am going to see my friends, and I am going to go to the public appearance. Big and pregnant and all. I WANT people to accept me as I am, and not just a memory of an unhealthy woman. I want people to like the person inside, not just my physical body. That will never happen if I keep hiding from people. I deserve to be with my friends, and I deserve to be there when my accomplishments are acknowledged, and I deserve to love and be happy with my body while I'm pregnant. I don't want the mentality of an eating disorder to ruin any of it for me.

Of course what WANT is at constant conflict with my still-healing mind, and this decision is almost painfully difficult, but I know this is the right path. I feel like if I can do this (stop hiding) it will be the final big hurdle for me. Unfortunately with my decision, I have extreme anxiety and a building terror for the moment people see me as I am now. I could really use some positive thoughts and support.

Thank you for listening/reading my feelings.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Excuse me while I snuggle into your pocket so I can keep sending you hugs and positive thoughts.

I commend you for all that you've done and all you are doing now! What a wonderful role model you'll be for your children and peers. As you know so well, most people's outsides don't match their insides, and the rare times that it happens (such as what you're doing right now) can make all the difference to people who meet you.

Enjoy your pregnancy! Be proud of what you are making and the successful career that you have. You deserve to be happy and love who you are!

Keep us posted.

[ComicBookMommy]

Thank you so much for your reply, Shaggy Chic. I realize my post was a lot and I appreciate you reading it. And I super appreciate the supportive words.

[CalmingOcean]

Oh my goodness, you sound almost like myself- very resentful of my pregnancy (don't get me wrong, love my little guy... Just wish the stork could of brought him!). I finally got down to a weight I was happy with (I do understand in all the wrong ways), was quickly married to my now husband after getting back together, and getting pregnant shortly after- in other words- ideal weight, shortly lived :/

I completely admire your courage! I fear all the time someone from my past will see me as I am today, and I need to adopt your frame of mine! Do let us know how it goes, I am so excited to hear! Congrats to you on your accomplishments and third baby someday I hope to be the role model you sound like you are on the way to be! Take care!