[utterlyconfused]

Hey guys! Hope everything is going well... things are getting a little better for me again(:

Thanks for sharing, utterlyconfused... good luck with that apartment search!

[eskielover]

I listened on my phone & it's more difficult to reply using my phone & realized I hadn't replied when I came back here to look at posts on my desk top computer.

Glad things are going better for you....sorry about the struggle with your pdoc.....those are always difficult relationships to have. Always it was much worse for me than the relationship with my psychologist because there was always the battle of meds & that was pretty much their sole purpose. I was actually glad that my pdoc was into alternate treatments because he was actually a great help in getting me onto the EPA Omega-3 at the time it really helped & he also was able to DRUG me enough to get me through the nightmares & the horrible time after going through a trauma....but I had an impossible time while dealing with the anorexia of going into the psych hospital rather than the medical one & my MD finally put me in under my previous Dx of Asthma that I had been in the hospital for just 4 months before. I actually walked into the psych hospital & walked out before ever being admitted......I just couldn't handle that feel at that point in my life as I needed some level of freedom to be able to leave to take care of the hospice care that my mom needed & then for her funeral......so there was always some level of conflict I had with my pdoc....& even my MD didn't agree with the medication my pdoc was suggesting for handling the anorexia........I gave them permission to talk to each other which was good...but my MD ended up assigning the hospital's pdoc & psychologist to me (a hospital without a psych ward) & then came in to visit every day.....but I didn't get along with the hospital pdoc either......there must be something about pdoc's IMO.....it definitely can't be just us.

That hospital pdoc was going to put me on a hold rather than allow me to go AMA to go home for my mother's funeral even though I was in agreement to come back after the funeral for the central line IV nutrition....after the PICC line got infected & they had to stop the IV.....the hospital Pdoc said that if I left the hospital I wouldn't live to come back....I knew better but he was being overly dramatic even though my anemia was pretty bad by that point....I knew that I had been at a much lower weight 10 years before without dying......I just hadn't gone through the horrible trauma that I had gone through that last time.

Pdoc's can be a real pain IMO. I felt bad for my real pdoc however because he kept trying to handle the nightmares & the horrible anxiety & the depersonalizations with a mild medication that didn't even touch how I was feeling. After I finally got out of the medical hospital, he did give me something to totally knock me out so I could sleep. It didn't help with the eating but at least I could sleep.

Beware about your goal weight & trying to hold down a job that needs the energy I can tell you from my own personal experience when I got that low, I was passing out all the time & I was working with my horses at the time....I wasn't healthy & was ending up in the medical hospital constantly with the anemia & the need for the central line & IV nutrition & that was dangerous to go through especially when they nicked my lung with the needle while doing the central line.

It's not worth it to mess around getting to that low of weight....I can attest to that from personal experience. I am small in the first place 5'2" so the dangerous low weight is lower than for taller people....but it's still dangerous & not worth doing it to your body if you really want to function on your new job at American Eagle & not end up sick all the time & end up loosing your job because of it.

Also, so many people who have lived with that very low weight has messed up their lives forever if they ever get married & want kids.....it just doesn't happen & then all the regrets for all those years end up hitting let alone all the other damage that it does to the body.

Thinking regrets.....my mother's cancer was one of those things where the choices we make can end up choosing the end of our life. She blew off the tumor that was in an area where it was obvious & where it could be seen. Because it was in what to her was an embarrassing private area, she chose to believe that it was only a cyst & that there was nothing seriously wrong until she ended up being Dx'ed with stage IV vulvar cancer. Naive, foolish....call it what you like....but her choice to ignore the problem ended up causing the end of her life.

It takes so much MORE control to stay at a healthy safe weight without gaining or loosing too much....I know that part of my anorexia issues are when I feel in total lack of control of my world around me or when the stress starts the weight loss I it becomes almost like an addiction....so for me, using the need for control on controlling the healthy weight fulfills that need for control & have found that I don't have problems until something really triggers a weight loss in the first place.

Hope you can honestly find a safe weight that you can be happy with because your low goal weight IS NOT SAFE nor HEALTHY.

(just a little technical feedback on this last video.....even on my desk top computer I had a bit of difficulty hearing it compared to your previous video's & on my phone it was basically impossible to understand what you were saying (speakers are horrible on my phone).....but just wanted to let you know as I know you just got your lap top back from being fixed.....you might want to experiment around a bit with your recording to see if the problem is caused by your laptop or not....just a thought ) I really enjoy your videos & your updates on how you are.

Take care & hope you have a wonderful week

[Grey Matter]

I'm in nc too! Going to keep up with these, awesome that you're documenting your journey!

[Bill3]

Thanks!

[utterlyconfused]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Thanks for sharing, utterlyconfused... good luck with that apartment search!

We're going to be looking today... fun stuff lol

[utterlyconfused]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I listened on my phone & it's more difficult to reply using my phone & realized I hadn't replied when I came back here to look at posts on my desk top computer.

Glad things are going better for you....sorry about the struggle with your pdoc.....those are always difficult relationships to have. Always it was much worse for me than the relationship with my psychologist because there was always the battle of meds & that was pretty much their sole purpose. I was actually glad that my pdoc was into alternate treatments because he was actually a great help in getting me onto the EPA Omega-3 at the time it really helped & he also was able to DRUG me enough to get me through the nightmares & the horrible time after going through a trauma....but I had an impossible time while dealing with the anorexia of going into the psych hospital rather than the medical one & my MD finally put me in under my previous Dx of Asthma that I had been in the hospital for just 4 months before. I actually walked into the psych hospital & walked out before ever being admitted......I just couldn't handle that feel at that point in my life as I needed some level of freedom to be able to leave to take care of the hospice care that my mom needed & then for her funeral......so there was always some level of conflict I had with my pdoc....& even my MD didn't agree with the medication my pdoc was suggesting for handling the anorexia........I gave them permission to talk to each other which was good...but my MD ended up assigning the hospital's pdoc & psychologist to me (a hospital without a psych ward) & then came in to visit every day.....but I didn't get along with the hospital pdoc either......there must be something about pdoc's IMO.....it definitely can't be just us.

That hospital pdoc was going to put me on a hold rather than allow me to go AMA to go home for my mother's funeral even though I was in agreement to come back after the funeral for the central line IV nutrition....after the PICC line got infected & they had to stop the IV.....the hospital Pdoc said that if I left the hospital I wouldn't live to come back....I knew better but he was being overly dramatic even though my anemia was pretty bad by that point....I knew that I had been at a much lower weight 10 years before without dying......I just hadn't gone through the horrible trauma that I had gone through that last time.

Pdoc's can be a real pain IMO. I felt bad for my real pdoc however because he kept trying to handle the nightmares & the horrible anxiety & the depersonalizations with a mild medication that didn't even touch how I was feeling. After I finally got out of the medical hospital, he did give me something to totally knock me out so I could sleep. It didn't help with the eating but at least I could sleep.

Beware about your goal weight & trying to hold down a job that needs the energy I can tell you from my own personal experience when I got that low, I was passing out all the time & I was working with my horses at the time....I wasn't healthy & was ending up in the medical hospital constantly with the anemia & the need for the central line & IV nutrition & that was dangerous to go through especially when they nicked my lung with the needle while doing the central line.

It's not worth it to mess around getting to that low of weight....I can attest to that from personal experience. I am small in the first place 5'2" so the dangerous low weight is lower than for taller people....but it's still dangerous & not worth doing it to your body if you really want to function on your new job at American Eagle & not end up sick all the time & end up loosing your job because of it.

Also, so many people who have lived with that very low weight has messed up their lives forever if they ever get married & want kids.....it just doesn't happen & then all the regrets for all those years end up hitting let alone all the other damage that it does to the body.

Thinking regrets.....my mother's cancer was one of those things where the choices we make can end up choosing the end of our life. She blew off the tumor that was in an area where it was obvious & where it could be seen. Because it was in what to her was an embarrassing private area, she chose to believe that it was only a cyst & that there was nothing seriously wrong until she ended up being Dx'ed with stage IV vulvar cancer. Naive, foolish....call it what you like....but her choice to ignore the problem ended up causing the end of her life.

It takes so much MORE control to stay at a healthy safe weight without gaining or loosing too much....I know that part of my anorexia issues are when I feel in total lack of control of my world around me or when the stress starts the weight loss I it becomes almost like an addiction....so for me, using the need for control on controlling the healthy weight fulfills that need for control & have found that I don't have problems until something really triggers a weight loss in the first place.

Hope you can honestly find a safe weight that you can be happy with because your low goal weight IS NOT SAFE nor HEALTHY.

(just a little technical feedback on this last video.....even on my desk top computer I had a bit of difficulty hearing it compared to your previous video's & on my phone it was basically impossible to understand what you were saying (speakers are horrible on my phone).....but just wanted to let you know as I know you just got your lap top back from being fixed.....you might want to experiment around a bit with your recording to see if the problem is caused by your laptop or not....just a thought ) I really enjoy your videos & your updates on how you are.

Take care & hope you have a wonderful week

I do realize that my UGW is unhealthy. I'm just doing a light restriction now (compared to what I used to put my body through). Because of school and everything, I'm making myself eat from 300 to 800 calories a day. So far everything has been okay. I'm trying to do what you or someone else said on here and that was to try looking at food as medication.

Since I've been doing that, I've been a little happier aside from my depressive state recently, and I've been able to focus more. I finally made a 100 on a test in one of my college classes and its been 3 years ._.

Thank you so much for your heartfelt responses... you actually remind me a lot of an old friend. If it wasn't for the horses, I would be asking if you were my teacher who moved across the country lol. She also struggled with anorexia and she got to the same place where I'm at now. When she came back to my state for my graduation, she and I had a lovely conversation about everything. I had no clue she struggled with an ed and it blew my mind because she's such an inspiration to me. Now I miss her lol, but you remind me a lot of her, and that is a very huge compliment.

Take care eskie!