[serenity24]

SO......HERE I GO..........

Things have gotten critical...BMI below redicilious, weighing myself countless times a day, not taking in almost anything at all, passing out, 5 day stint hooked up to a heart monitor because heart rate very poor,,arrythmeia poor potassium and electrolytes. My gastroparesis has gotten so bad a well as my colitis because of long term anorexia...33 years of abuse.

I've already been in 7 treatment centers...combative, beligerant, disruptive and ready to sign myself out, only staying under threat of being commited.

I've reached the end of the road. Something has to change. Do I want to live, or do I want to have my family prepare for my burial?

For the first time in the long struggle with this disease I'm ready to be a participant in my recovery process. Im scared to death. I'm having frequant panic attacks, perpetual stress and unrelenting fear.

This disease has been my whole life, my security blanket, my identity.Who and what will i be without it? How will i exist? It's been my everything.

My body, my bones, my stomach cannot take any additional abuse. They all begun to shut down and the damage is irreversable. I'm terrified of the rest of the years of my life without this disease but I'm also afraid of the rest of my life with the damage that I put myself into and how im going to cope.

I decided to surrender. Tomorrow I enter into another treatment center in Missouri. The are trained to assist in gastropareseis, colitis, dual diagnosis among a number of other issues.

As scared as i am i am going willingly and not angry and hostile for the first time in my life.

I hope this message reaches someone so one may see that prolonged disorder does inflict signifigant damage and pain, as well as the opportunity for change.

[jelly-bean]

God Bless you sweetie! I hope that everything goes well for you and I'm very glad you have decided to finally do something about your problem. Please keep us posted as to how you are doing. You are in my prayers.

[CANDC]

Sorry to hear you are suffering so from eating disorders. You seemed to reach a new place.

I decided to surrender. Tomorrow I enter into another treatment center in Missouri.

That is when I started to come back from my own problem in that area, when I surrendered my fighting to be in control. Then I started to get better.

Thank you for sharing your story. Good luck in your treatment. You sound like with the new attitude you have now that anything is possible in regards to healing.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

My adopted home of Missouri will take good care of you. Happy to hear you have made the decision to fight to live. Take it one moment at a time and focus on what your NEW life will be.

ps - same amount of time suffering, so I understand the identity issue very well. That is who I was for more than three-fourths of my life. But we're not dead yet, so let's keep fighting! I'm in your corner

[pinkflower17]

Good for you. I hope it works this time and things turn around. I'm proud of you for surrendering. I'm leaving for Johns Hopkins next week or the week after, as soon as I'm stable enough to be transferred from one hospital to another and I'm definitely not there yet. I wish I was.
I wish you all the luck in the world.