Trying to manage ED thoughts

Hi, I've had an eating disorder since I was 13 (I'm now 28) and am finding it really hard to manage the ED thoughts. I'd managed to stabilise my weight at a 'healthy weight' (which I really don't like) by 'balancing' restricting, binge/purging and exercise but now I really want to break free of all of it. I tried to stop bingeing but got fixated on eating as little as possible (which really isn't much since my metabolism is so rubbish by now that I gain weight if I go over 500 cals a day) and went several days without eating after an accidental binge but passed out so ate a bowl of porridge then felt so bad afterwards I couldn't eat again. I binged again yesterday and haven't been able to eat yet today but planning to have porridge when I get in from work so I can exercise tomorrow morning. But the thoughts are so strong, much worse than when I was underweight when I could sort of rationalise having to eat. I keep thinking I don't need food and I'm being a greedy, lazy, selfish person for wanting to eat and for bingeing, and feel so, so guilty all the time. Anyone got any tips for managing the thoughts? It's so much harder at a 'healthy' weight because the thoughts/feelings are so much more intense!

Hello starthrower

I found some of these articles here on psychcentral that you may or may not wish to read through -

Treatment and Management of Eating Disorders | Psych Central

Preventing & Managing An Eating Disorder Relapse | Weightless

Thanks for the links!