[StarryNight5]

It's been several years now since I stopped making myself purge. When I did this I was 16 to 18, I'm now 22 and whole situation still befuddles me. I started doing this out of the blue, I didn't have a particular hate of my body (I was over 400 lbs at the time) but I still did it. I sometimes think that it was the change in my life that brought it on. My family moved and things overall were better. My mother and father didn't fight, school was good and we lived in a house rather than a dilapidated trailer home. In this time that I purged, I also lied about it and made everyone believe that I had worse stomach and intestinal issues than I honestly did. This alone is something I haven't forgiven myself about. Because of this, I didn't finish school and had to get a diploma over the internet but the damage was done. I lost out on so many experiences that I would have had, dating, making friends, being something close to normal for the first time in my life. The purging came to a head when a real issue manifested because of my Gallbladder, which had been passing stones for about a year, became inflamed and had to be removed. After that I stopped purging out of fear of being discovered and a lack of desire to continue. I eventually told my mother the truth, she was shocked but called me brave and told me about her bout with purging when she was depressed. I just don't know how to take all this in, how to forgive myself (do I deserve forgiveness?) and to why I did this and lied to everyone I know. I just not sure why.

[CANDC]

ED is an illness that often takes the help of a team of therapist and dietitian to deal with the guilt and stress as well as the dietary needs.

I have to watch what I eat because foods I eat can stabilize my moods or exaggerate them. A high protein low carb diet with snacks or meals every 3-4 hours will over time reduce my swings. I also avoid alcohol and recreational drugs because those can really increase depression.

Other lifestyle changes that help me are doing yoga, exercises, mindfulness, calm music, and being active on Psych Central.

Glad you are joining us here. There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central.
http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[eskielover]

I know for me, my anorexia had a stress foundation & it isn't body image.....stress makes me feel sick & so I quit eating because I can't stand to get sick because of the bad problems it's caused me in the past.

So the living conditions you were living in while you were purging could have been your stress trigger for that behavior & when the stress goes away, then so does the behavior. I know for me when I was in school, I would quit eating during mid terms & finals & any time I had a large project I was working on & that went for my career also....but those stresses were usually short term so the weight loss was minimum & didn't turn into something critical even though it did tend to trigger a desire to see the weight go down more as I saw it coming off on the scales.

The thing was around the age of 42, I ended up in a stress situation that didn't go away & weight loss was also triggered on top of that by a reaction to the antidepressants I was given....I had the weight loss happen instead of the gain as some have.....so I lost so much weight that it became dangerously low & I ended up having to be medically hospitalized on top of being sent to a treatment center.

Managed to survive that & 10 years later I ended up going through a long term trauma at the time my mother was dying of cancer & a lot of other things were happening at the same time in my life & stopped eating & all the weight came off again & again I ended up in the medical hospital.

Like you, I have moved & I am now out of the living situation that was causing me the horrible amount of stress & my mother died 10 years ago......it took me years to recover the weight but now I'm in a good place & now I am working on maintaining a healthy weight & that is not easy at times in either direction. I find that when there is weight gain, I start to restrict again to control it.....& when it starts to go down, it triggers my desire to loose more....almost like an addiction to seeing the weight drop on the scales.

So in your case it sounds like your ED for those years was based on the situation you were living in & not that changed it would be natural for that behavior to change also.

Going to therapy might help you get in touch with your emotional side & maybe understand your behavior a bit more & that could be a good help...but it sounds like a very normal action/reaction that you are experiencing.

[Crazy Hitch]

You absolutely deserve to forgive yourself Starry Night

It's been long enough that you have suffered inside with all of this.

And I'm really proud that you have opened up to your mother about this situation.

I just wanted to let you know that you are worthwhile and I'm proud of the fact that you've been strong these years - keep moving forward