"Not sick enough"

I know this is a very common feeling when struggling with an ED, but it's really bothering me a lot right now. I've never been anorexic, I'm diagnosed with EDNOS, and I often feel like I'm not sick enough to even be worth the treatment I get. (I regularly see a psychiatrist and I also have a therapist I see about once a week, I used to see a nutritionist too).

When I first was diagnosed about 5 years ago, I got treatment quite quickly. Part of it was because my mom took me to a private therapist and paid for it, but I also got to see a psychiatrist throught the public health care system without having to wait for too long. At the same time my mom's friend's daughter was suffering from anorexia and was barely eating anything. She had a much harder time getting treatment, which I find odd, especially since she was about 10 at the time and I was 17. At the time I felt super guilty about getting treatment when she didn't, I was ready to stop seeing my therapist so she could go to my appoinments instead, since I felt like she deserved it a lot more than I did.

This is a feeling that still haunts me. No one actually ever noticed I had an ED, I told my mom about it one day when I was feeling suicidal and just couldn't take any of it anymore. I've never been one of those persons on the street that you can immediately tell they're anorexic or suffering from some other serious illness. No one knew I had an ED before I told them. I'm constantly fighting with the feeling of not being worth recovery, since I've never actually been "sick". Another thought that I often struggle with is that I'll first need to get anorexic and be hospitalized before I can really put all my effort into recovery.

I know this is all just the ED trying to keep me from recovering, but it's just a horrible feeling, and I think that it all comes from me wanting to be noticed, that other people will see that I'm sick. I struggled with depression and anxiety a few years before I developed an ED, so I think I was kind of hoping people would finally see how I felt when I lost weight. Sadly my ED that was a cycle of restriction and binging never made me look sick to the outside world, so I ended up suffering in silence for several years.

I've been very careful to read other people's ED posts here since I'm super easily triggered, but is there anyone who feels the same way?

I can totally relate. I was diagnosed with EDNOS in Spring 2014 and went into treatment immediately. That was mostly because I had multiple diagnoses and had attempted suicide, but still, I'd not been sick for very long, and I never needed to be hospitalized for anything other than the suicide attempt. I've since found out that there are others with eating disorders in my family who never got treatment for it at all. Now that I've relapsed, it's even harder because not only am I 'not as sick' as other people, I'm not as underweight as I was the first time around.

So basically, yes, I do feel the same way, BUT I think that's part of the eating disorder that makes us feel that way. If you have an eating disorder, you're sick, and if you're sick, you deserve treatment.

I can relate to this a little bit, but I don't think I'm as sick as you (I don't mean that in a bad way). I'm overweight but restrict a LOT, and sometimes binge and purge, but since I'm underweight my therapist and pdoc don't care. They just shrug it off. I know what I'm doing is unhealthy but I feel the need to push myself to the limit to get noticed. I want to get to the point where I'm underweight...even though I don't.

The need to be noticed probably has more to do with other areas of your life never being validated either. Many times in growing up we learned that we had to either be the best or the worst to get noticed & to get the attention that is just a normal thing that everyone needs.

Maybe it's the issue of needing the attention that needs to be addressed in therapy more than it is the ED itself......as I have realized myself, there is always a lot more that's hiding itself under the ED relating to our lives than it has anything to do with the ED itself.

The last time (about 10 years ago) that I ended up in the medical hospital with anorexia, I had gone through a trauma with the home care person who was caring for my mother when she was dying of cancer. For me the stress triggered it & I had been under a lot of stress even before that hit so it started even before I went through the trauma....that was just the final blow. But I had also been living in a bad marriage for almost 30 years at the time & honestly, I needed support in dealing with all that I was experiencing. Stress in my life had always caused me to not eat....but it was never long term stress until I hit the age of 42 (my first time when I had a really bad time with anorexia)....but at that point, I didn't want to live either & it was ALL tied together. I realize now that even then, I needed someone to help me with the situation I was in but got nothing so stopping eating at least gave me some sort of support though they never saw the real underlying factors behind it. I didn't either until just a few years ago when I finally left the bad marriage....but that was almost 13 years later....& I have been out of there for 7 years now & it's taken me that long with therapy to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Sometimes the thing that's causing the need for attention can be fixed...other times it can't & we have to take some other action like I finally did even before I understood the cause, I just knew how bad it was....I didn't see how it all tied together.

At first I wasn't eating because of the pills I am taking were taking my appetite away then it turned into completely starving myself. I was sick and got a lot of attention. I hadn't had attention in a long time. So yes I was loving it.
My mom died 2 years ago and my dad replaced her so fast and he has completely put my brother and I on the back burner and puts this womans family first. My dad is dying and I haven't seen him in 3 months because I don't like her and I don't like going over there. Anyways the attention is great and I'm sure the issues with my father have a lot to do with it and like it's not just my family giving attention but the doctors when I go to the hospital. They hit on me and it makes me feel good and no one ever did that when I was large.
I can't stop doing what I am doing and don't want to. I know it is hurting me but it doesn't matter to me.

I used to feel this way...that I needed to get 'sick enough' before getting treatment. Well, eventually I got so sick that I almost died. So I would definitely get treatment no matter what your diagnosis...it's all bad.

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