[fightoffyourdemons]

Hi there, my girlfriend is a recovering anorexic. She was very ill a few years ago but has been better for the last 2 or 3. Recently she has started getting fears again (partly to do with her becoming vegan). We are both doing the vegan journey together (I didn't ask her to, I even suggested we take it slowly) but I am confident she wants to do it for the correct reasons (animal cruelty, a healthier way of living etc).
However, I know this is starting to trigger her. I've researched and I think I'm pretty good at what NOT to say to her to make things worse, but what I really want to know is what I CAN say to her. Even if it's indirectly to at least make her feel more positive on a day to day basis.
I've been told saying how beautiful she is can make it worse at times because it reinforces the need to look good.
She is also quite off sex at the moment, she is wearing a lot of baggy clothes etc. I'm obviously fine with that - I understand, I'm just torn between not wanting to initiate sexual contact because it will make her feel under pressure, but I'm also scared of making her feel unattractive by not initiating something.
I myself have OCD and have had years of therapy for it, along with anxiety and depression.
She is a very strong woman and I don't want to patronize her, but I know she has been confiding in a friend of her's (who suffers as well) and I'm worried that she will get into a cycle again.
Any advice would be great. She talks to me about it sometimes, but I'm looking fot day to day advice on how to make her feel better.
I know she's at work now upset about things and I want a way of comforting her, without DIRECTLY mentioning her disorder.
Sorry for the long message, thank you in advance for your help.
x

[kaliope]

gosh, i dont know enough about eating disorders to give you an answer but see your post has gone unanswered. i think you are on the right track. do you think snuggling and gentle touches are out of the question? not in the lady places to make her think you want sex, but contact while talking and such, a brush when she goes by, like running you hand down her arm, to let her know you are still interested in touching her without the sex. holding hands, cuddling in bed. as for the vegan situation, maybe making an appointment with a nuitritionist for a professional reference on how to do it right. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[fightoffyourdemons]

Thank you for your reply. All good ideas and I'll take them on board

[angelicgoldfish05]

How did she recover the last time? Was it before you got together? You could look into seeing a therapist and ask them how you could best help her. Maybe she could ease into the idea of coming with you to see the therapist. When I was in a relationship with a guy who did not smoke and I did, he would always tell me that he didn't want me to smoke cause he cared about me and didn't want to see me harm myself. That it hurt him just as much because he loved me so much. Whatever she is worried about, you could try and gently reassure her in the opposite of her fear. Like if she were afraid of a person or something, you could try and reassure her that you love her and will do everything in your power to help her and protect her, and that the other person is no longer in her life and can't hurt her anymore. If you can understand the why behind her doing the behavior, you could begin to let her know you understand her better. If you don't know, you could always confront her and tell her you are very concerned because she is relapsing into her disorder and you wish you could help, that you are there for her, and say you want to understand better why she is doing it if she can tell you. If she doesn't understand herself, you could say that you would like to see a professional to help understand and she could come with you if she wanted.

Anorexia, from what I understand, has a lot to do with specific stressors (so maybe ask or try to understand what is stressing her out so much as of late.. What changed besides the vegan thing? I get that the hyper focus on food itself could be the trigger. If that is the case, continue to focus on letting her know you love her and are concerned about how she is harming herself by not allowing her body to get the nutrients she needs.

Anorexia can also be about the need to control or it sometimes meets the need to feel a sense of power in ones life. What is she feeling so out of control about? Where is she feeling disempowered or oppressed? How could you best empower her to feel better about herself (cause it can also be a self esteem thing). Where is she feeling empty in her life (it can also be a way to express and cope with emptiness, feelings of anger, shame and sadness). You could try asking her more how she feels and try to empathize and validate how she is feeling. Like saying you could understand how she would feel that way, and lots of others have dealt with those same problems and feelings and come out stronger, etc.

Mostly, it is an unhealthy coping tool for some kind of problem that seems too big to handle. So trying to find out the problem - yet key is that she has to be the one to solve. You are not going to solve this she has to. And she has to see the light and want to get better herself, otherwise the change will not be long lasting and only to please others. If you really want to help out, you have to give her the control. Anorexia is in many ways the fight for control or to feel powerful. She has to be the one to control and make the choices affecting her life. You can let her know how her behaviors and choices are affecting you (very useful to do and you may even learn better more about yourself), but ultimately, she decides. Like you can say something like - I've made an appointment and am going to see such and such therapist to try and help better understand your struggle and find out how best to support you; it would mean a lot to mean if you would just think about coming with me. (Plant the seed, let it sink in but don't nag, maybe gently remind her as the appointment gets closer). Most want to get help but don't know how to ask or have been let down or disappointed in the past by others so have lost trust. If you love her reassure her you aren't going anywhere and that you will be there for her as she needs you. You could give her an ultimatum if it gets real bad, but I don't know how successful those really are....

Focusing on her and her strengths, more important than the focus on food. If you focus on the food and the eating, it is just enhancing the struggle and the challenge to defy and not eat. Focus on the inner person and the motive behind the behavior more than what food you guys are eating and not eating. Of course expressing concern and worry over her not eating, losing weight rapidly, and harming herself is a good thing though. Just not hyper focus on food part.

And I really do not think bringing sex into the picture at this time is a good idea. She is trying to shut down her body and emotions, and perhaps even escape her body. Could lead to increase in behaviors depending on how sex has played into her past before. Not to mention a symptom of anorexia is a decrease in sexual desire. Focus on her getting well first and her needs. If she doesn't initiate, sex is not a need for her right now. However if she is still open to touch, being affectionate in that way is appropriate and probably needed.

Good luck, sorry for spewing so much advice. I've semi been in your gf's situation before. So just my own opinion and based on experiences and things I have read. Ultimately, I have no idea what is driving your girlfriends behavior or how best to help her without knowing her. Anyhow, keep us posted on what is going on if you can.

P.S. I think it's really great you posted here asking for suggestions on how to help. It's obvious you care about her a lot which is sometimes the best thing to just keep letting her know and how you love and accept her just as she is. Reinforce the things she is good at or the areas she is doing well in her life and what is good about your relationship. Trying to shift and reframe to the positive and focusing on the good things (even the small things that she thinks no one else notices) can be helpful perhaps. Meet her where she is at and let her know you are with her on the way to wherever she is going and that you are right there by her side. If she is needing space, let her know that you are there and you will still be there when she is ready to get close again. Pretty much all you can do. It's really up to her now.