[buttrfli42481]

Well, I made it to Iowa and have been here about a week now. Refeeding is so hard and I am doing though. I think the hardest part is all the fluids. My meals get upped every 4 days and my weight has slowly been going up. Right now my activity level is level one passive, which means that I can walk to the gym and any further I have to be in a wheelchair. I am making steps in the right direction. It is hard and I can do it.

[gayleggg]

I'm so proud of you. Sounds like you are making the necessary steps to recovery and sometimes those have to be baby steps. Keep up the good work.

[Fuzzybear]

[buttrfli42481]

For some reason my fluids got upped today at dinner and I feel really bloated and gross. I had to drink 2 cartons of milk and an 8oz glass of water along with eating 100% of my meal. We just had another 8oz glass of water and the over-full feeling is back. I hate feeling like this.

I talked to my daughter today and she goes to Freshman orientation tomorrow. I hate being so far away from her on such an important milestone in her life. I miss her first High School dance too. Just feeling really sad and off tonight.

[eskielover]

Ugh, fluids are the worst for that bloated feeling.....when I didn't want to eat much I would always drink a lot before eating....fluids I can get rid of quickly but not fat from foods.

I know what it's like to not be able to do liquids or food....that was when I had my worst time with the anorexia when I couldn't get either down & IV fluids weren't enough to help either.

Hope you are doing better.......thinking of what you are missing with your daughter is good....maybe a good incentive to get better & make the healthy choice for food.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Are you getting therapy while you endure the refeeding?

[buttrfli42481]

I found out today that my liver enzymes are above 300 and normal is 0-30. So what do they do? They cut me off of my cymbalta and trazadone and melatonin. I have been on cymbalta for almost 8 years and don't think that it is the problem. In the past when I haven't taken my meds for one day, my mood starts to tank around lunch time and is really low by bedtime. I start getting sui thoughts and that scares me. I have to have an ultrasound done tomorrow and don't get to go to OT cooking in the morning. I also have to have labs done again, my arms look like pin cushins.

All I want to do is go home and snuggle with my daughter, and I don't know when that will be.

[tree7car]

That sounds scary. I'm so sorry. I hope that they quickly find out what's the matter with your liver and get you back on the meds that you need in order to have a stable mood.

[eskielover]

At least they are really looking after your condition & taking a proactive way of handling it......

Remember how bad you wanted to get there & you were wanting to totally give up because you it was taking so long to get in......well......

Now it's time to take advantage of what you were waiting all that time for.......always wanting to be where you aren't isn't going to get you well.

Did they do a liver enzyme test when you first arrived or is this the first one you have had?.....it could be that those 8 years on the cymbalta are what has finally gotten the count to that point....it's not something that happens overnight. Maybe it would be good for them to find another med that might work better with your body. Also remember that your weight went really LOW again before arriving there & meds react differently the less weight the body has for them to work on. Maybe if you had been able to keep your weight at a safe level the med might not have reacted that way either. If it's NOT the cymbalta....I hope tests show up whatever it is so that you can get that stabalized & back to normal.

RELAX & go with the flow....you worked hard enough to get there......take advantage of EVERYTHING they have to offer you....that's why you wanted to go there in the first place isn't it?

Yes, increased liver enzymes can be a side effect of Cymbalta:

Hepatic Enzymes Increased - An increase in the amount of paired liver proteins that regulate liver processes causing a condition in which the liver functions abnormally. Cymbalta side effects

...taking you off is being safe rather than sorry it sounds like.....it actually sounds like they are being wise. Staying on a med that causes health problems isn't ok.....also....I noticed that it can also cause weight loss

Decreased Weight - Uncontrolled and measured loss of heaviness or weight. Cymbalta side effects

.....just like the Prozac did with me....for some it causes weight gain...others it causes weight loss....that may in some ways be part of the reason you are struggling so much with the anorexia.....it can be the catalyst on top of the trigger (the abusive marriage) that caused the anorexia to be started in the first place.....the desire to loos weight just seems to come along with it as weight is lost, there just is normally a desire to continue to loose more....sort of a normal human reaction.......maybe getting you off the Cymbalta will be a good thing in more than one way???? It's amazing how badly our bodies will react to meds in ways that we don't even realize. On the Prozac I got down to such a low weight before anyone bothered to notice & I refused to say anything because I rather enjoyed loosing the weight....I liked being that thin even though it was a dangerously low weight.

[buttrfli42481]

My liver enzymes are going down, I have to have daily labs which suck, until they are low enough. The original plan was that I was to go home Tuesday, however that was when I told them I was going home. I was very angry and upset at the whole prospect of them taking me off my meds that I was not thinking straight. I will be talking to my team tomorrow morning and telling them that I don't think I am ready to go. My ED voice is still really strong and I know I will go back to my behaviors if I go home now. I am really struggling with my meals especially dinner and bedtime snack. I also have not had the opportunity to go to OT cooking which is something I really need to do. I know that I want to go home, that is the mommy and ED voice wanting me to go, I also know that I want to get better and that is where the fight is. I wish it wasn't so dang complicated. Thank you for your support.

[eskielover]

Are they able to help you with the issues that are underlying your ED? or are they just trying to get you to eat?

Glad your logical mind is back working & you realize that going home this soon is NOT WISE. Your liver enzymes are going down after going off the meds..sounds like that might have been the cause since that is a side effect of the meds you were on & it's usually a long term side effect that takes time for it to effect the liver to that extent. I'm glad they were wise in realizing that.

I was on a med that gave me parkinson's like side effects. They figured out one of the meds but didn't realize that another one had the same side effect so after it didn't go away in a month I finally went to another neurologist & he immediately realized it was the other med keeping the side effect going & took me off that immediately....it took another month for the side effect to go away totally. It was horrible because I couldn't walk & I couldn't even feed myself....so I understand how bad side effects can be...& it took quite awhile for that effect to start happening in the first place which was why I didn't relate it initially to med side effect.

You worked so hard to get the treatment you are in.....take advantage of ALL they have to offer....glad you are realizing that also. It can get better but it takes a lot of work on your part also & determination even when you want to slide back. It took a lot of determination to get out of the abusive marriage you were in...use some of that same determination against your ED.

[buttrfli42481]

They are giving me the boot tomorrow even though I told them that I wasn't ready to go. They aren't getting to the bottom of the issues, no individual therapy at all, and I don't feel comfortable airing my laundry to the whole group. I will have to work on it with my outpatient team.

[eskielover]

I think that medicare/medicaid only allows a specific length of time for treatment whether we are ready or not for it to end...(they don't tell us that upfront either).

I agree....group is no place to talk about private things that are at the bottom of it all.....hope your private treatment team will help you focus on getting to the bottom of the issues causing this to keep reoccurring.

Interesting because at the Radar ED treatment center, we all had individual psychologist....but the one I had was a complete JERK so it was useless treatment anyway. They had a fund that paid for people who couldn't afford to go there but it didn't cover the medical or the psychologist so those bills piled up anyway. I remember telling them over the January 1st weekend that they needed to let me go then when my husband was driving that distance to visit but they didn't listen....they let me go the next day with no way to get home. H was starting a new job & couldn't take the time off. I refused to call him & didn't have money for a taxi that distance. LOL...turned out the director of the treatment center ended up driving me all the way home......almost 100 miles. Shows just how much they really cared & listened to the people who they were supposedly caring for. Left me with a bad feeling toward them even though they ended up resolving the problem....but it was their problem they created so I had no bad feelings about him driving me home.

Hope you get home safely today & get back into good treatment & hope they resolved your liver enzyme problems & make sure your treatment team knows about that problem so they don't create it again.

I know that some meds have a worse reaction on our body the less weight we have.....so that might have been the trigger for it happening also.....but it's not worth taking meds that can harm our body that badly.

Wishing you the best & keep us posted on how you are doing now.

[Fuzzybear]

[buttrfli42481]

Made it home and now have a huge life stressor to deal with. My ex is taking me to court for custody. I saw my t and dietician today and they are both aware of the situation. They both also emphasized that I still need to eat like I have been, that I have no wiggle room in the weight department. I don't ever plan on going back to U of I, so I have to make this work. I am extremely tired and just want to sleep for a little bit, however it is 5:30pm and that means dinner time. I have no idea as to what I am going to eat. I guess I should go and figure that out.

[eskielover]

Maybe that life stressor is what you need though. Sometimes we have to make some tough choices & choosing to eat rather than loosing your daughter is an important choice & eating or not eating IS A CHOICE even when we don't feel like it.

I don't ever plan on going back to U of I, so I have to make this work.

The thing is that WE are the only ones who can make it work. No one in our lives can make us eat....it has to come from within & also dealing with the stressors that caused us to start not eating in the first place need to be processed because they are the triggers & we need to STOP them from being those triggers. Our eating is OUR RESPONSIBILITY to our own bodies & to our family who is dependent on us. I know that living alone & having my dogs totally dependent on me & living in the country with out anyone close by, was a wonderful incentive to never get to that point again for me & there have been triggers that could have started it again. When we don't have anyone else to depend on to take care of those around us....pretty good incentive to stay healthy.

From reading your past threads, it does seem like your ED has been your coping skill for the bad marriage you had after you finally got out of it & never having processed the emotions that came with that trauma you were living with & got away from. Maybe if you read your past threads & even type them out & take them to your T....it might give them a better insight into what you are dealing with & maybe even better insight in how to help you. Know it's easier to keep it hidden & to think...it was in the past....but it's the past things & PTSD issues that keep on haunting us when we least understand it's happening.