[TishaBuv]

Trying not to go off on a destructive eating binge because of sad feelings over my mother causing me great emotional stress.

Crippling depression, the food I am tempted to eat as a temporary 'reward' will not even taste good and will only make me feel sicker.

I don't think I have a food disorder, but food definitely does play a role in this whole 'illness'.

From when I was a small child until I was in high school, I just could hardly eat anything. I didn't do it because I thought I was fat, I just couldn't eat. People used to say I looked like I had just gotten out of a concentration camp.

Once I got a taste of freedom, hanging out with friends, and discovered junk food, I put on enough weight that I looked good. My diet was high fat, the worst, unhealthy food. Everyone would say "You're so lucky you can eat whatever you want."

Eventually weight gained like any normal woman and I am now a little heavier and a lot more out of shape than I'd like to be.

I started having a strange relationship with food once I started to have relationship problems with my husband that were hard for me to handle.

I remember being upset, binging on cookies then trying to make myself throw up, but I couldn't. So I binged, then felt bad, then tried to be better. This was when I was a young mother.

Before then, the not eating when I was a child. My mother would scream at me about the not eating. Most nights, leaving the dinner table crying. She would accuse me that I did it just to punish her. Would a small child not eat just to punish their mother? Wouldn't I eat behind her back then? I didn't. I just remember not being able to eat. Not even a Pop Tart.

Interestingly, recently I was diagnosed with Celiac, but then the doctor reversed the diagnosis.

So, I am trying to figure out, how much is physical and how much is mental. Does the food tie in to the depression and other physical ailments I am having.

Anyway, thanks to writing this, the desire to go binge on the wrong food has passed.

[Skeezyks]

Hello TishaBuv: Thank you for sharing your struggle. I'm afraid I don't have any answers or even suggestions for you here. However, toward the end of your post you wrote something that particularly caught my attention. It was the part about trying to figure out how much of what is going on with you is physical & how much is mental. I guess the reason this particularly caught my attention is that I have allot of stuff in my past that there is nothing I can do anything about. I'm an older person now. And my past is like a ball of twisted wire that at this point can never be unraveled. So I just have to accept that this is the way it is.

Presumably, at some point, you'll be able to figure out how much of what you are experiencing is physical. It may take seeing a few different doctors to do it. But it should be possible. On the other hand, the mental stuff may or may not be something you can sort through. Under any circumstances, I wish you the best in your efforts.

[TishaBuv]

No self-discipline. Was trying to do the FODMAP diet. Fell off the wagon with junk food for the past two days. My stomach is in knots, and bowel issues no matter what I do. Argh.

The food doesn't even taste good. Self control and patience was never a virtue of mine.