[ShrinkingInSeattle]

I've most recently been diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, but in the past I've been diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa and the elusive EDNOS

SO, having said that, this is my struggle: My therapist totally broke my trust by lying to me and letting me get fat. I don't know if I should ever see her again, or go and at least get an explanation about her bold faced lies?

I previously wrote about this, but here is a run down of what happened.

I went to residential in March at a BMI that was lower than normal. When I came out of treatment, I was very motivated to recover, and I wanted to do everything I could to prevent a relapse. I discharged into outpatient; I see my therapist once a week and my dietitian every month. As I really wanted to recover, I listed to everything that my treatment team said. My therapist was really adamant that I don't weight myself. She said that she would keep track of my weight, and she would let me know if it was getting too high, and if the numbers were going up to a range where I would be uncomfortable, she would let me know and send me to the dietitian to reevaluate my meal plan.

During this whole time, she has been telling me that I can fully trust her, and that she would let me know if my weight was getting too high. She stressed the importance of trust in a therapist-client relationship, and really put me at ease thinking that she would let me know if I was getting too heavy. I know myself; whenever I "recover," I rapidly gain weight. I know that if/when that happens again, it will through me into a relapse.

Every week she weighs me, she happily reports that my weight has been stable for 90 days. I had previously went through a period where I was rapidly gaining weight, and she was concerned at that point. I was drinking a lot so.. yeah. I switched my eating disorder for alcohol. But that time had passed, and I have apparently been stable, according to her.

Last Tuesday she weighed me and cheerfully reported that my weight had been the same for 90 days. She says my body knows where it wants to be, and it has settled at it's set point. She says that she doesn't want us to talk about the number at this point and assured me again that I could trust her to tell me if my meal plan (or alcohol plan) needed to be adjusted. I specifically asked her if my BMI was in the normal range - she said "yes, your BMI is normal."

About 3 weeks ago, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. Since then, I have been in relapse mode. So I weighed myself on Wednesday, the day after I saw her and she told me that my BMI was normal. OH MY GOD my BMI is NOT normal, it is slightly over the "normal" range. My weight is NOT okay, I'm over where I should be. I totally had a melt down at this point. How could she lie to me? How could she not tell me that I needed to reevaluate my caloric intake? How could she look me in the face and tell me that my BMI was normal? I angrily texted her. She said "well, you have been stable for 90 days... Just sayin." She really said "Just saying." She went on about my muscle mass, and kept saying that I looked like an average woman. I told her that my BMI is not normal, and she said "we'll talk about it at the next session."

I don't even thing I want to ever see her again. I feel betrayed, and so sad because the last person in the world that I trusted lied to me. I'm so disgusted with myself, and the only comfort I have is knowing that I'm back on the losing track again, and I know that I can get back down to where I need to be. I feel gross, and like she let me get this way all the while telling me that i could trust her.

So, my dilemma now is, do I continue seeing her now that the trust that we had is completely shattered? Should I even keep going to treatment at all when I'm in total relapse mode? What would you guys do if your therapist swore that they wouldn't let your weight get too high, and then let you balloon up to an above-normal BMI? And on top of that, lied to you by telling you that your BMI is normal when it isn't? I don't know if I should even go back at all, or if I should go back just to confront her and find out why she lied to me. Part of me wants to just say "**** her," but other than this, she has been great and I really felt like we worked well together.
If you read all of this, thank you!!

[Victoria'smom]

I would write down everything I wanted to say but jus t hand it to her and sit in silence while she read it. Then when you get done talking ask her to see a coworker instead of her.

[waggiedog]

Hello Dear ShrinkingInSeattle. I read your post very closely and boy do I feel for you and appreciate what you've gone through with your therapist. TBH I can't believe what you have been through hunny, but then I'm speaking as one who has an eating disorder so truly understand the **** you have gone through and have gone through. There's always this issue between ''them'' and ''us'', you know, they just don't ''get us'', though I can't say I'm surprised about that!!!! Of course we rebel, of course we are obsessed about out weight, after all, we've gone through a lot of starvation, saying NO and isolating ourselves to allow us to live anxiety free in our own safe world. I've been in Psych hospital many times over the last 30 years due to ED's, suicidal attempts and now it's known I'm diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. I also drink alcohol to replace food, because I don't feel so guilty about drinking as I do about eating bulk, at least that's how I feel. I've even resorted to over the counter natcotic drug use and even prescription drug use to stop me feeling hungry, it does work to a degree.
I totally agree with what Miguel'smom said, for you to write down your issues and leave her/him to read what you feel deep inside about these things. I'm not skinny now, passable in the street as a ''normal'' person is more to the point, but that's really NOT good enough for me. When I was nursing my Dad three months ago just before I lost him, I was his sole carer for the last 6 months of his life and I'd had him in my life for 56 years, a HUGE GREAT LOSS. Anyways, what I was going to say was, I was a LOT smaller then and felt REALLY confident and good about myself. Now I go days without eating, just drinking alcohol yet I can't shift any extra weight. I abuse laxatives badly and suffer from awful side effects because of that but I'm frightened to stop or I'll gain weight. Even though I KNOW they don't actually make you loose any weight.
My heart goes out to you, but as I said, I agree with writing your issues down hunny. Keep you chin up and come here or message me if you need a chance to rant/vent or just talk to some old girl who so understands!!!!!!!!!

[pinkflower17]

IF it was me, I would change dietitians. I would personally have a very difficult time trusting that person any longer once I knew for a fact that they had blatantly lied to me. In seeing a new person, I think you need to go in there with your goals clearly written out with what is and what isn't acceptable to you and discuss them with that new dietician so you're both on the same page from the get go. That's just my take on it.
Good luck. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
I'm sorry your trust was betrayed like that

Originally Posted by ShrinkingInSeattle

I've most recently been diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, but in the past I've been diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa and the elusive EDNOS

SO, having said that, this is my struggle: My therapist totally broke my trust by lying to me and letting me get fat. I don't know if I should ever see her again, or go and at least get an explanation about her bold faced lies?

I previously wrote about this, but here is a run down of what happened.

I went to residential in March at a BMI that was lower than normal. When I came out of treatment, I was very motivated to recover, and I wanted to do everything I could to prevent a relapse. I discharged into outpatient; I see my therapist once a week and my dietitian every month. As I really wanted to recover, I listed to everything that my treatment team said. My therapist was really adamant that I don't weight myself. She said that she would keep track of my weight, and she would let me know if it was getting too high, and if the numbers were going up to a range where I would be uncomfortable, she would let me know and send me to the dietitian to reevaluate my meal plan.

During this whole time, she has been telling me that I can fully trust her, and that she would let me know if my weight was getting too high. She stressed the importance of trust in a therapist-client relationship, and really put me at ease thinking that she would let me know if I was getting too heavy. I know myself; whenever I "recover," I rapidly gain weight. I know that if/when that happens again, it will through me into a relapse.

Every week she weighs me, she happily reports that my weight has been stable for 90 days. I had previously went through a period where I was rapidly gaining weight, and she was concerned at that point. I was drinking a lot so.. yeah. I switched my eating disorder for alcohol. But that time had passed, and I have apparently been stable, according to her.

Last Tuesday she weighed me and cheerfully reported that my weight had been the same for 90 days. She says my body knows where it wants to be, and it has settled at it's set point. She says that she doesn't want us to talk about the number at this point and assured me again that I could trust her to tell me if my meal plan (or alcohol plan) needed to be adjusted. I specifically asked her if my BMI was in the normal range - she said "yes, your BMI is normal."

About 3 weeks ago, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. Since then, I have been in relapse mode. So I weighed myself on Wednesday, the day after I saw her and she told me that my BMI was normal. OH MY GOD my BMI is NOT normal, it is slightly over the "normal" range. My weight is NOT okay, I'm over where I should be. I totally had a melt down at this point. How could she lie to me? How could she not tell me that I needed to reevaluate my caloric intake? How could she look me in the face and tell me that my BMI was normal? I angrily texted her. She said "well, you have been stable for 90 days... Just sayin." She really said "Just saying." She went on about my muscle mass, and kept saying that I looked like an average woman. I told her that my BMI is not normal, and she said "we'll talk about it at the next session."

I don't even thing I want to ever see her again. I feel betrayed, and so sad because the last person in the world that I trusted lied to me. I'm so disgusted with myself, and the only comfort I have is knowing that I'm back on the losing track again, and I know that I can get back down to where I need to be. I feel gross, and like she let me get this way all the while telling me that i could trust her.

So, my dilemma now is, do I continue seeing her now that the trust that we had is completely shattered? Should I even keep going to treatment at all when I'm in total relapse mode? What would you guys do if your therapist swore that they wouldn't let your weight get too high, and then let you balloon up to an above-normal BMI? And on top of that, lied to you by telling you that your BMI is normal when it isn't? I don't know if I should even go back at all, or if I should go back just to confront her and find out why she lied to me. Part of me wants to just say "**** her," but other than this, she has been great and I really felt like we worked well together.
If you read all of this, thank you!!

[KQiao]

I'm really not familiar with the struggle of anorexia since my problem is more in the other direction, and I don't really care about BMI's since I consider those a ballpark figure that are not, despite the way they sell it, one size fits all. So, a couple of questions about the issue...

Did you guys discuss before-hand what she considers to be stable and a normal weight range when you agreed that she would be the one to monitor that?

Does she put the same weight (no pun intended) on the value of the BMI that you do, or is she balancing the BMI measurement against her knowledge of your body and your personal issues? Here's the thing about the BMI scale that I realized on one of my recent trips to the doctor... They got my BMI by putting me on a scale, and then saying, "Oh, you're fat." The weight that they think I should be at is 30lbs lighter than I weighed when I was in high school. Here's the problem with this assessment-- at that point in my life, not only was I quite slender but also rather muscular. In fact, if I had weighed less than what I did I would have been not only malnourished, but I would have keeled over dead from trying to keep up with the demands on my body because at the time I lived on a farm and did heavy physical labor on a regular basis. That Body Mass Index measures your mass, but it does not differentiate between unhealthy fat and healthy muscle levels. So if she thinks your BMI according to a generic chart is incapable of making a valid assessment of your weight vs. muscle based on the details of your personal life and activity level, then perhaps you should take a step back and consider that maybe she really is correct that you are within a healthy range.

There are 2 things that jump out at me from your post.

The first issue is your cheating boyfriend who caused your relapse. First of all, I'm sorry. Cheaters suck. Why he chose to do so doesn't matter so much as how it affects you, but as an outsider, I worry that you may be internalizing his actions and measuring them against your own fears. You have body issues as part of your ED, your boyfriend cheats, therefore you assume that your boyfriend is cheating because there is something wrong with your body because that is your greatest focus. Unless he has directly said that he started cheating on you because of your weight, there could be any number of reasons that he resorted to cheating.

Can I posit a couple of theories for you to consider?
If he were cheating on you because of your weight, he does not care enough about you as a person to want you to be healthy above being thin so that you look pretty for him. If that is the case, then he is shallow and you are better off without him in your life.

If he is cheating on you and has told you it is because of your weight, then it's entirely possible that he is saying so simply because he knows of your problem that shifts the focus onto you and absolves him of the guilt, or at least of your accusations because you will too busy attacking yourself to have the energy to attack him. In which case, he is horribly manipulative to take advantage of your problem in order to deflect the blame from himself, and you are definitely better off without him in your life.

The "just saying" is an issue that needs to be addressed since it does impact your trust. Someone recommended you writing your thoughts down to her and opening up communication on this issue or asking that another person be brought in so that you have a second opinion to balance against hers until you feel like you can trust her judgement. If they are trying to keep you at a healthy weight and your body is holding stable, then it is quite likely that you are at exactly where you need to be and other nutritionists are likely to agree. You might find someone who is more gentle or considerate or whatever in relaying this information to you, and if you are looking for someone who can communicate with you more effectively then maybe that's what you need. I'm just going to put this out there as a warning that, if they are looking out for your health, I would advise against expecting a different nutritionist to offer a hugely differing opinion on what is a healthy weight for you when part of your treatment includes is getting your focus off of numbers.

I would trust a health professional more than a cheating boyfriend as a source of feedback on the state of my body is what I'm getting at. Maybe you would be better with a different nutritionist, but definitely you would be better off with a different boyfriend.

[Buttercup40]

I had a great dietician and she left, of course I was last to know and it really peeved me of because at the time I was doing really well. Anyway, I got another dietician who told me that I was eating too much even though I was still underweight for my height. It really upset me and I refused to go back to her. I find it really difficult to be upfront about my issues. I'm thinking of looking into seeing another dietician but, dreading it as I've lost weight recently due to problems with one of the nurses I was seeing who told me a pack of lies at how well I was doing, only for her to turn against me saying I wasn't being open with her and the thing is I was very honest with her but, I feel she's stabbed me in the back and I'm once again struggling.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I'm just going to answer your question you have in your thread topic because I gatta go soon. But no I wouldn't go back. I feel it's my tdocs job to be honest with me and then if I have a problem with the BMI, it's their job to help me cope with that problem, not lie to me. Sorry I was so short but that's my thoughts in a nut shell

[BlueGreenTabbyCat]

OP that sounds terrible! I have AN and BN and my weight is a huge deal to me; I've recovered from BN before, I was at a low weight (fulfilled the criteria for the severe AN category but wont go in to numbers here as it's not the point.) When I got past the BN I stopped looking at the scales, saw a dietitian every month or few weeks who would take my weight. I could have seen if I wanted to but it scared me to. My weight went up and she told me if it did. She told me if it went down, she was honest with me and despite my constantly saying how desperately I wanted to lose weight because I felt huge and I knew my weight was over the magic BMI 20.

I was struggling so much but don't know how I would have coped has she not been honest with me. I think I would have stopped ever speaking to anyone from the services again at that point! I think you should go back to explain how hurt and betrayed you feel- I don't think that should come as a suprize to her. Also explain how it has affected your ability to trust others which it no doubt will have done and why you wont be seeing her any more.

I think it's important for you to let her know how you feel because it will sit as an unsaid issue which you will one day no doubt want to revisit even when the initial anger and despondency has died down but it's also important for you to let her know how she has affected you because there may be someone just like you who gets assigned to her and maybe you could save someone else similar heart break.

Please don't give up on therapists and dietitians- if my experience is anything to go by your experience is not a universal one and trust in therapy is a big deal. I'm sorry your therapist did not respect you or your boundaries and ignored your needs which has undoubtedly left you feeling really alone and insecure right now. I hope that you do manage to get something else sorted out though in the way of trustworthy therapy.

[kesaz]

Originally Posted by ShrinkingInSeattle

I've most recently been diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, but in the past I've been diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa and the elusive EDNOS

SO, having said that, this is my struggle: My therapist totally broke my trust by lying to me and letting me get fat. I don't know if I should ever see her again, or go and at least get an explanation about her bold faced lies?

I previously wrote about this, but here is a run down of what happened.

I went to residential in March at a BMI that was lower than normal. When I came out of treatment, I was very motivated to recover, and I wanted to do everything I could to prevent a relapse. I discharged into outpatient; I see my therapist once a week and my dietitian every month. As I really wanted to recover, I listed to everything that my treatment team said. My therapist was really adamant that I don't weight myself. She said that she would keep track of my weight, and she would let me know if it was getting too high, and if the numbers were going up to a range where I would be uncomfortable, she would let me know and send me to the dietitian to reevaluate my meal plan.

During this whole time, she has been telling me that I can fully trust her, and that she would let me know if my weight was getting too high. She stressed the importance of trust in a therapist-client relationship, and really put me at ease thinking that she would let me know if I was getting too heavy. I know myself; whenever I "recover," I rapidly gain weight. I know that if/when that happens again, it will through me into a relapse.

Every week she weighs me, she happily reports that my weight has been stable for 90 days. I had previously went through a period where I was rapidly gaining weight, and she was concerned at that point. I was drinking a lot so.. yeah. I switched my eating disorder for alcohol. But that time had passed, and I have apparently been stable, according to her.

Last Tuesday she weighed me and cheerfully reported that my weight had been the same for 90 days. She says my body knows where it wants to be, and it has settled at it's set point. She says that she doesn't want us to talk about the number at this point and assured me again that I could trust her to tell me if my meal plan (or alcohol plan) needed to be adjusted. I specifically asked her if my BMI was in the normal range - she said "yes, your BMI is normal."

About 3 weeks ago, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. Since then, I have been in relapse mode. So I weighed myself on Wednesday, the day after I saw her and she told me that my BMI was normal. OH MY GOD my BMI is NOT normal, it is slightly over the "normal" range. My weight is NOT okay, I'm over where I should be. I totally had a melt down at this point. How could she lie to me? How could she not tell me that I needed to reevaluate my caloric intake? How could she look me in the face and tell me that my BMI was normal? I angrily texted her. She said "well, you have been stable for 90 days... Just sayin." She really said "Just saying." She went on about my muscle mass, and kept saying that I looked like an average woman. I told her that my BMI is not normal, and she said "we'll talk about it at the next session."

I don't even thing I want to ever see her again. I feel betrayed, and so sad because the last person in the world that I trusted lied to me. I'm so disgusted with myself, and the only comfort I have is knowing that I'm back on the losing track again, and I know that I can get back down to where I need to be. I feel gross, and like she let me get this way all the while telling me that i could trust her.

So, my dilemma now is, do I continue seeing her now that the trust that we had is completely shattered? Should I even keep going to treatment at all when I'm in total relapse mode? What would you guys do if your therapist swore that they wouldn't let your weight get too high, and then let you balloon up to an above-normal BMI? And on top of that, lied to you by telling you that your BMI is normal when it isn't? I don't know if I should even go back at all, or if I should go back just to confront her and find out why she lied to me. Part of me wants to just say "**** her," but other than this, she has been great and I really felt like we worked well together.
If you read all of this, thank you!!

Wow, I'm sorry I'm so late to reply to your post, but just had to comment because I had nearly identical experience with treatment provider in Seattle ~5 years ago.

I felt incredibly betrayed at the time and in general very humiliated/frustrated/upset by the whole experience. I couldn't believe she'd lied to me so blatantly and it took a lot to calm me down (I think it was my PCP ultimately who explained that they really had my best interests in mind and were closely monitoring weight, but knew also that it is common for weight gain in recovery to temporarily overshoot set point and they wanted to wait a little while to see if it would go back down if I continued eating normally, which I likely would not have had the patience to do if I knew I had gained what I felt was "too much").

In the long run, I ended up sticking with my PCP and I've been pretty firmly in recovery for the five or so years since then. I haven't really returned to the therapist or dietitian (both in Seattle and working together now) that lied to me, however. There were a lot of other issues I experienced with them that contributed to that decision (including some very hostile/judgmental remarks I found they'd made about me in discussions with other members of treatment team).

I also don't really do blind weights anymore. After what happened previously, I just kind of decided (with my PCP's permission!) that I was ready to start seeing my weight again. I find that works better for me now -- I don't weigh myself often (maybe once every few months), but I've settled into a normal range now, and am able to be proactive about identifying potential issues (and solutions) when there are significant changes (I don't usually make changes myself, but do speak directly to treatment team about my concerns to kind of put my concerns/ideas/thoughts in perspective). I really like not having to worry about what my weight really is now (and no longer worry that I might accidentally see it). Able to see it as just another number now, which I think is something that was not possible for me before with blind weighing. Of course, YMMV though!

[Souris]

Wow. I completely understand how betrayed you're feeling. I know I would feel the same had I been in your position...though I do have to note, a big step for me in getting to a reasonably better place with my own ED was the acceptance that BMI is not an accurate number to go off of.
At my lowest weight I looked sickly, but my BMI was in average range due to how my body is proportioned. I have long limbs and a large bust and looking back on things, I know now that my body wasn't meant to be at that weight.
And honestly, the person who came up with the BMI stated that it shouldn't be widely used because it wasn't an accurate measurement and that they should find a better way to measure body mass.
You know that plenty of professional athletes, who are extremely healthy and fit fall into the "overweight" category according to the BMI.
So that's something to keep in mind.
All that being said though, I don't blame you for not wanting to go back.

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