My bf only likes skinny girls

I have anorexia and bulimia and am considered underweight (for now). I should be eating more and I should be a good 10-20lbs heavier. But I'm still restricting because my bf is only attracted to very thin woman and it really bothers me. His ex wife gained a lot of weight after they got married and he stopped sleeping with her! And now they're divorced. This bothers me so much and I think "well he should love me no matter how much I weigh" right?! Or what if I get pregnant some day? I'm terrified to gain any weight now even if it's healthy. And no I'm not considering breaking up with him over it. Actually when we met I was 10 lbs heavier but I think these fears have something to do with losing the recent weight. I just don't get it. If he gained weight I would still love him. I don't know what kind of replies I'm expecting here. I just needed to get it out. Maybe I should add that he doesn't criticize what I eat all. But he'll order something like pizza and get mad when I don't eat it. Or I throw it up. Well why feed me when you want me stick thin!? It messes with my head and my EDs a lot.

Wow....what is it that is attracting you to a person with such a shallow mind defining his caring for someone that you allow him to control your life & your health? Sounds like you need therapy more often & need to work on why your self esteem is so low that you would settle for this in your life....but then again if you have a passion for anorexia in the first place he's enabling that & feeding into where you want to be but using his desire as your justification.

Dysfunctional relationship feeding into dysfunctional behavior on your part. Sounds like you need some really good therapy to figure out what's going on in your own mind.

Well thank you for stating the obvious. I've struggled with EDs for 18 years so I think it's safe to say that yes, my self esteem is ****** and always has been. I didn't come here for people to tell me what I already know. I guess I came here wondering if any other men are like this. My bf is definitely not the first man I've met that has a preference for thin women. I guess what I was wondering is if anyone else has been in this situation or if there's men on this forum like this for a better understanding. Didn't come here to be bashed or reminded of how screwed up I am. I'm on a forum for eating disorders, I think that says enough. But thanks for your input.

Having an ideal body type to be attracted to and only being attracted to that one type can be different. Lots of marriages get broken and sex stops happening. It could be coincidence he stopped sleeping with her once she put on weight and its just a convenient thing to point at. I agree though its very confusing if he flat out said he only is attracted to overly thin women and then is offering you pizza. I noticed you're feeling defensive from the other reply so Im a little nervous to say this but having an ED and then being with someone who weight is so important to is a recipe for misery. I guess as uncomfortable as it sounds, if I was in your situation I would have a conversation with him about it and find out his exact point of view. Im sure if he loves you and knows EDs are dangerous to ones health and his comments are fueling yours, he could then clarify.

Regarding the topic of the thread - did he said that he is only attracted to underweight women or did you just guess it based on your observations? Either way, you have to talk to him about it. No relationship is worth sacrificing your own health for.

No he's never said underweight girls in particular. But when he points out a girl he thinks is attractive, she's a small size. Me being underweight now was my own doing.

At least he's being honest.... As someone getting married I can't tell you how many times I've interacted with people in the engagement/marriage phase who WISH they'd spoken up when their spouse began to let themselves go. The attraction dies. The sex life dies. The relationship dies.
There's a girl in our social group right now who's BF was going to propose, but he confessed to my FI he's so worried about all of the weight she's gained and he feels like she's just gotten to comfortable and lazy and he's worried about their future. It's so harsh, but it's also fair, IMO.
My fear of getting fat after pregnant is so severe I'm alrready saving for lipo!

My ex liked me better when I was a at a normal BMI, so did the two boyfriends prior to that. My ex always used to tell me that guys really are attracted to healthy looking girls, not skin and bone girls who look like they're going to keel over any moment. Just my experience. Just wanted to let you know, there are other men out there who will accept you and love you at a "healthy" weight.

Sorry to pitch in like that but... wow, I don't think that he should be doing that sort of thing! That's thoughtless of him, and it doesn't help with your self-esteem at all!

I think that he should have eyes for you only in the first place, not for other girls. Sounds to me that he doesn't quite know what he really wants.

One other thought I had....skinny might be what they like to see with cloths on....but being around someone they have to care for whose passing out all the time because they haven't eaten & all the drama involved with that becomes old real fast when there is no sign of it getting better only worse...people tend to distance from that at a close relationship level unless there is true love involved

I would like to reply to your question. When I met my ex I probably had ED although it was not diagnosed; I did calorie restriction. I was a dance photographer and guess was in a culture where thin was norm, and my ex was a naturally thin man. Problem was it was not my natural weight and eventually I got heavier, just a bit under normal weight, and stayed that way for years after getting married. Problems started after having a baby and gaining weight -- perhaps a few pounds over normal weight but nothing drastic. I was nursing a baby and you need to be normal weight for that. My ex had no idea why or how other people gained weight, or had EDs. He gained a few pounds as he aged but basically remained the same body type, and his appetite never changed. He was an extremely picky eater and I had to cook every meal to perfection, but still he often would not eat a meal, even though I had attended cooking school, and was a gourmet cook. Issues around eating, food, cooking, weight...all became more and more pronounced.

My child was a picky eater too, but happily this got resolved and my child grew out of it and as a young adult eats normally, and has a normal body type. When his girlfriend became quite thin he was not happy about it, and said he preferred women who had a normal body type, and that healthy was the new sexy!

If I could do it all over again I would really try to communicate with my partner. If a partner prefers thin women there's not much you can do to change that. I believe my ex preferred women who had a less womanly curvy figure - he preferred a more adrogynous body type. I had that type of figure when I was young and restricting calories, but it is not natural and can't be maintained as a woman matures healthily. My ex's preference for a body type that was impossible to healthily maintain definitely messed with my confidence. After divorce I had the experience of other men finding my body type (with normal womanly curves) attractive and that was very healing.

It really doesn't help that we are in a culture where being too thin is adored. Whenever I get thin to the point I am under a body weight that's normal I get the most attention. So in a way it is a very sick society, and really difficult to battle against that. I think it is good for older women to talk to younger women about this issue in a caring and kind and very honest way. So my answer is yes...I was in a marriage where being underweight meant perfection, by my partner's standards. It's a struggle for all. Best of luck.

Maybe some therapy might help. Your bf is who he is, so you can perhaps figure out what to do, since you don't want to break up with him. Obsession with ANYthing is not healthy.

My ex stopped sleeping with me when I gained weight. He claimed he didn't care how much a person weighs, but that didn't really seem to be the case. I dumped him after 10 months without sex (there were other issues too, he was smoking weed all day every day and I didn't want to live that lifestyle, etc.).

So yeah, he's not the only one. I had known my ex as a friend for years but he only took an interest in me when I lost a ton of weight and was skinny. Bipolar meds and disordered eating made me gain a ton of weight really fast and things were down hill from there.

You're not alone in having no self esteem and letting your significant other enable your unhealthy behavior. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to beat yourself up for falling into that trap. It's really hard not to.

That said, I think you'd be better off without him. You can't be healthy and be with him in the long run, and your health is what's important. Hopefully you'll know when you're ready to let him go.

I wonder if he understands your ED and how unhealthily underweight you are. I wonder if he understands how his mixed messages and comments about other women affect you.

Good questions. And no, he doesn't understand. And when it comes to my MI, that's a whole nother thread! (Actually did post my frustrations not too long ago). Sometimes I wonder how much of a future we have and then a part of me tries to understand his mind too. BP2 and an ED are both complex subjects. Hell, even I have trouble wrapping my head around it.

Yes, there are other men like this. And there are men who have fetishes for plus sized girls. And then there are men like me who couldn't give a flying **** what my wife weighs as long as she is healthy and happy. That's the first time I've cussed in a post - I feel that strongly about it.

I don't love my wife because of her body - I love her body because it holds her.

Anything less, in my opinion, isn't love. And lest there be any doubt, you are awesome and deserve love.

That's the sweetest thing I ever heard!

First goal in your personal life is to make yourself happy. Do what ever you need to do to make yourself healthy and when you do you'll be happier with yourself and your self esteem will sky rocket. What happens after that isn't to be worried about right now. If he isn't happy with you no matter what you look like then he isn't worth it.

I wish you luck in your struggles and also wish you a happy, long life.

I was very thin until I turned 40, and many guys made negative comments about preferring skinny women and not liking over weight ones. It's like they felt they could say it in front of me because I was very thin. But the best men like women...period. Nice men don't make any comments about other women. Especially knowing you have an ED, he shouldn't make it an issue at all.

It is a way for a man to control a woman. What we weigh or wear or makeup or not. Etc.

WE decide what we want to weigh.