[tifferific]

I'm starting to relapse, and can't find help.
I'm scared to death.
This black cloud that moved in so fast.
That I thought was gone.

[eskielover]

What was the trigger for this to start happening?....a thought? An event?

[tifferific]

Yes..I've tried to down play it up til now.
I hurt my back at work.
Badly.
And it's been a year and they don't know if I can go back.
If I will heal, doesn't sound like surgery is an option.
I've lost me, my identity. Everything I love to do.

[LucyD]

What is your identity?

[eskielover]

Ive been there......first time Anorexia actually hit me even though it was the antidepressant Prozac that started the weight loss. I lost my computer engineering career as aerospace industry was crashing in California. I had given everything to my degree, then into my career & I didn't realize it at the time just how bad my marriage actually was & that I had also been using my career as my escape from that. Top that off, I so wanted to be nothing like my parents & my career was my way to prove that.

I have since then found that I can have another identity & I can have another identity & life can go on. It takes soul searching & it takes a lot of good therapy, but 9 years ago, I finally escaped that trap that I had been in for 13 years.

I understand the feeling you are experiencing & it is a very normal reaction & not eating is our way of feeling on some sort of control over everything else we have no control over......BUT.....there are alternative reactions that are much more healthy.

Once you know for sure, you can take positive action to either go back or search for something else that you can have a passion for in your life. Part of my problem was that I just gave up on everything because the situation around me wasn't conducive to anything positive in my life. Until I changed that, there was no improvement.

[tifferific]

What if I can't go back to work?augh!!
I'm in a very small area with little opportunities.
Thanks for listening

[tifferific]

What if I can't go back to work?augh!!
I'm in a very small area with little opportunities.
Thanks for listening

[eskielover]

What if I can't go back to work?

Don't go there with your worrying before you have to. Many times what if's never happen.

If you can't then try to go on disability while you try to sort out what next to do that you are totally interested in doing. I ended up not being able to go back to work & that was when my anorexia first showed up.....but it wasn't the not going to work that was the real trigger, it was the bad marriage I was in that (even though I loved my career) it was my escape from my bad marriage & it was the bad marriage that was the real trigger for the anorexia that I didn't even understand at the time.

It's not easy to find something else that one likes as much as the career of one's passion, but I have finally got myself into a place in life where I am happy & it took getting away from the bad marriage otherwise, I might not have had the problems I had because they were a response to my whole world around me.

[tifferific]

The thing is...all the doctors say I really screwed up my back.
I know the reality of it. I just can't face it.

[eskielover]

It takes time to acknowledge things like that. It's actually a grieving process & one of the steps in grieving is denial & also anger.

This doesn't JUST apply to the loss of someone but also the loss of important things in our lives. Maybe this will help you understand what you are thinking & feeling a little more:The 5 Stages of Loss & Grief | Psych Central

[PianogirlPlays]

I am sorry that you are suffering. I hope that in spite of your not such good news that things get better for you.

Keep posting here, we can relate to your struggle. What type of ED do you have?

I'm disabled and also have severe back problems. I no longer can practice law as an attorney, but I am more than that. I'm also more than my MI, including my ED. You are, too. xo