[eskielover]

That toast with cashew butter sounds so good!!

I really love the cashew butter better than peanut butter & better than even almond butter. The only place I can find it in this area is at Trader Joe's (where I get the best tasting quick to fix foods)

What do you do on the farm? Do you have horses?

So far it's just fields & woods with a stream flowing through it. I have fence posts to put up fencing for when I finally save up the money to move my horse here. She is still in California as it's expensive to move them across country & it's been difficult saving money with all the things that keep breaking around here. I had left her in Calif when I first moved here because I really like the trainer I have in Calif so wanted her broke to ride. Unfortunately, she came down with strangles & the whole ranch was quarantined for over a year after I left because of the strangles. The start of her training was delayed because of it also......then by the time she was ready to come, my financial situation went from bad to worse & I'm just getting it saved up.....looking at bringing her here next spring after the winter is over. My mare had her just before I had a really horrible time in my life & just before my mother died of cancer & the trauma I went through with the home care person during that & the anorexia that hit me bad at the same time. Izzy basically gave me the will to live after that & she was my whole life. I got the call that my mare had her foal & I was there 1 hour after she was born. Within a few hours, Izzy was laying on my lap & we were playing in her stall......I just couldn't sell her & have had bring her here as my goal this whole time.....I just couldn't sell her & get another horse here as she just meant too much to me (will see if she even remembers me when I get her here).

I am also planning on clearing a place where I can put up a chicken coop. I do a lot of farm sitting around here & I love caring for the chickens & really want my own......may add a few ducks to the mix also as duck eggs are delicious also. It's difficult caring for a place all on my own & I bought a huge house not thinking that I was really going to end up divorced & after I came her to get my house painted & fixed to move into, I realized that divorce was my only option that made any sense after all the peace I felt being away from my H....there was no going back or bringing him here.

Oh I hope your little keet gets well. So glad that you have a vet that cares for birds....that is not easy to find. I found one in California who actually cared for the Busch Garden birds when they had a Busch Gardens in Van Nuys.....it was his specialty. They are difficult to care for when they get sick & it's important to give them ALL the meds. So glad to hear he was singing again.....THAT is a good sign

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I really love the cashew butter better than peanut butter & better than even almond butter. The only place I can find it in this area is at Trader Joe's (where I get the best tasting quick to fix foods)

So far it's just fields & woods with a stream flowing through it. I have fence posts to put up fencing for when I finally save up the money to move my horse here. She is still in California as it's expensive to move them across country & it's been difficult saving money with all the things that keep breaking around here. I had left her in Calif when I first moved here because I really like the trainer I have in Calif so wanted her broke to ride. Unfortunately, she came down with strangles & the whole ranch was quarantined for over a year after I left because of the strangles. The start of her training was delayed because of it also......then by the time she was ready to come, my financial situation went from bad to worse & I'm just getting it saved up.....looking at bringing her here next spring after the winter is over. My mare had her just before I had a really horrible time in my life & just before my mother died of cancer & the trauma I went through with the home care person during that & the anorexia that hit me bad at the same time. Izzy basically gave me the will to live after that & she was my whole life. I got the call that my mare had her foal & I was there 1 hour after she was born. Within a few hours, Izzy was laying on my lap & we were playing in her stall......I just couldn't sell her & have had bring her here as my goal this whole time.....I just couldn't sell her & get another horse here as she just meant too much to me (will see if she even remembers me when I get her here).

I am also planning on clearing a place where I can put up a chicken coop. I do a lot of farm sitting around here & I love caring for the chickens & really want my own......may add a few ducks to the mix also as duck eggs are delicious also. It's difficult caring for a place all on my own & I bought a huge house not thinking that I was really going to end up divorced & after I came her to get my house painted & fixed to move into, I realized that divorce was my only option that made any sense after all the peace I felt being away from my H....there was no going back or bringing him here.

Oh I hope your little keet gets well. So glad that you have a vet that cares for birds....that is not easy to find. I found one in California who actually cared for the Busch Garden birds when they had a Busch Gardens in Van Nuys.....it was his specialty. They are difficult to care for when they get sick & it's important to give them ALL the meds. So glad to hear he was singing again.....THAT is a good sign

It was nice hearing all about your horses and farm. I hope you will be able to get things to the way you want them. Yes, once we feel that sense of peace away from what is causing us the stress we know what we need to do, don't we. I'm sorry to hear of your mom passing from cancer and what you went through with anorexia. Sounds like an extremely painful time. My mom died of cancer, too, and it is a heartbreaking thing to happen.

Danny bird is singing and flirting with Bailee! He is doing so much better now. I will definitely keep him on the meds for the entire 2 weeks. The Vet is a very nice man, sure charged a lot, though. But usually I only have to see him once a year for a check up.

[aloneinmusic]

Will I ever get better?
I always tell myself "don't worry, you can eat that when you recover" and that's my excuse/reason to not feel frustrated when I can't bring myself to eat something I'm desperately craving.

But that's the delusion. What if this is it? What if everything from now on is just a downhill battle? I never believed it would be. But it's been nearly 4 years. I'm still not ready to change. I couldn't see myself being ready to get better even in a year's time, perhaps two. In my head I'm still so fat and that settles every argument. I can't convince myself otherwise, believe me I've tried.

And even when I am ready. Then what? I go on a waiting list. That alone could take 6 months. I could change my mind in that time. Then I might not even successfully recover the first time around. That would be more years of my life gone.

I'm 19 and already I'm struggling to see how I'll be happy even when I'm 25.

I just can't take it. Right now I'm just hanging onto every last thing I've got, because I never truly appreciated the things in my life until they were taken away from me. If it weren't for the small things I don't think I would even try and fight. I'm hanging on but barely. And as far as my mind goes I'm not going to stop trying to disappear.

[eskielover]

Values do change & the way we look at things chsnges as we get older. We reslly dont know what the future holds..for the good or bad...but the one thing gustsnteed IS CHANGE.

Sometimes when we are ready to change it happens without the need for professional help...just like when we arent ready all the help in the world wont make us change.

Its important to mske sure out health doesnt suffer while we are struggling though. I ended up in the medical hospital many times requiring IV nutrition just to stay alive. The first time I really didnt care if I survived. The last time I did but was struggling with PTSD at the time which triggered the anorexia.

I found that good quality therapy that focuses on the WHY you want to dissappear is just as valuable as dealing with thw ED alone. When we get the issues in our life straightened out that are usually the underlying causes of the ED in the first place, the ED can be resolved by resolving resolving those issues though the behavior sometimes becomes like an addiction that needs to be broken.

ED's have complicated underlying psychological causes that are what really needs to be resolved first or the ED never really goes away.

[LucyD]

Hi everyone. Just sharing:

[LucyD]

Sharing some more music:

[joshuas-mommy]

Well, I binged yesterday. I ate two bowls of ice cream and two bowls of macaroni and cheese. This is in addition to the cereal I ate for breakfast. Here is some music.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by joshuas-mommy

Well, I binged yesterday. I ate two bowls of ice cream and two bowls of macaroni and cheese. This is in addition to the cereal I ate for breakfast. Here is some music.

It's nice to see you jm. In my opinion that was just overeating. I do that, too.

[-Astral-]

Eating like a pig ...went into pro Ed forum because i am feeling very low and upset about some family members who is rude and used me she still here but she is sleeping my husband is still up and talked me out of using the pro ed forum ...want to binge eat but am not just got to try and keep my mind off it ...i want to have the self esteem to wear what ever i want to no matter what size i am ( am obese ) i have no help from anyone been told to lose weight by my dr who knows i have an eating disorder but cant and wouldnt get me help as you have to be a very low BMI or diabetic ( am not )
i feel like i want to die ...but i dont want to die fat or make life hard for others in my family or my husband on his own

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by -Asphyxia-

Eating like a pig ...went into pro Ed forum because i am feeling very low and upset about some family members who is rude and used me she still here but she is sleeping my husband is still up and talked me out of using the pro ed forum ...want to binge eat but am not just got to try and keep my mind off it ...i want to have the self esteem to wear what ever i want to no matter what size i am ( am obese ) i have no help from anyone been told to lose weight by my dr who knows i have an eating disorder but cant and wouldnt get me help as you have to be a very low BMI or diabetic ( am not )
i feel like i want to die ...but i dont want to die fat or make life hard for others in my family or my husband on his own

Hi there!

[-Astral-]

Thank you for the hugs

Dont want to eat ...my husband just thinks am not wanting something just now ...but am not eating for a while

[joshuas-mommy]

Originally Posted by -Asphyxia-

Thank you for the hugs

Dont want to eat ...my husband just thinks am not wanting something just now ...but am not eating for a while

I don't want to eat either.

[LucyD]

I don't want to eat either, too. But a friend is coming over and we are making a big salad and getting a large pizza. I'll have a little and freeze the rest of the pizza that is mine, she can take some home, too.

[-Astral-]

my husband got me to eat but know i feel fat and disgusting
Its was fattening as well
am going to be the size of a house if i keep eating like this

[LucyD]

Have you looked in the mirror and looked for one thing you like about the way you look?

I tried it the other day and I like my smile.

Do you like salads? They are not really fattening. I feel better when I eat them and veggies and fruit.

I like this song, I imagine him singing it to me and makes me feel good!

[-Astral-]

i dont like looking in the mirror i avoid it ...makes me want to hurt myself more
.

i eat salads all the time and other veggies ...

thanks for the song

in a funny mood at the moment ...self destructive mood

[LucyD]

Sorry you are feeling self destructive, feeling any better now?

[-Astral-]

back on the pro ed sites .... dont ****ing care anymore
eating a lot less now
Might be getting a gym membership but i need to get the right paperwork first
going to bed soon
got a family Event tomorrow going to leave after so i dont eat anything
Then i have Church in the evening ...

[-Astral-]

Am staying off the pro ed forums ...well trying to
Went to church this evening ...I know that Jesus wouldn't want me to starve myself
i should eat

[buttrfli42481]

Did the NEDA walk yesterday. It was fun, however took a lot out of me. Didn't do much today except sleep. Went to church this evening. This is 26 days straight with a headache.