another step into full recovery...

I've been so-called full recovery from my ED for better than 20 years with a handful of blips here and there, though none in the last 5 years or so.

HOWEVER, I have a hard time erasing the ED thinking and imprint. Thank GOD I no longer count calories, which if you have suffered from anorexia, to have a decent shot at recovery, once you are a healthy weight I DEFINITELY recommend trashing the calorie counting.

I love to read. For a long time, I've had a large collection of ED related books (fiction, memoirs mostly). I have also had for years a giant printout of list after list of ED books and was checking off the books I owned and spending money on new ED books.

I'm no longer BUYING ED-related books at all.

Today I trashed the list.

I plan to donate those books to the library, without reading or re-reading them. Friday, I hope. I take my daughter to the library to volunteer on Fridays. Now I just need to bag them up (don't have any boxes).

It's time to let that part of my life go.

I just wish the body dsymorphia part of that life would go too.

Proud of you, my friend. I've always noticed the "anorexia" listed in your dx's, but see the lack of posts talking about active struggles (some of past struggles). It's inspiring seeing how far you've come, and seeing you take another step away from the ED life is wonderful

Thanks Muddy. I actually bagged up 4 tote bags full of nearly all ED related books. I have even MORE ED books but 4 empty tote bags is all I have, and I don't have any boxes. Now I just have to get them to the library on Friday.

Yeah, I don't post much here about it because this forum doesn't have much traffic. Oh, I have some crazy ED stories to tell. But they are best just written down pen and paper and not put out there to trigger anyone.

And I don't calorie count or restrict, purge, overexercise, use diuretics or laxatives I'm SO done with that part of the ED. You have to let it go if you want any chance at a decent normal happy life. Well, as happy as one can be when you've still got bipolar, panic disorder, and PTSD.

I still deal with the body dysmorphic stuff and guilt over eaten "bad" foods, but the guilt part is getting better and better. The body dsymorphia not so much.

But I still put the anorexia diagnosis in my signature to remind people EDs are out there and to be mindful of that.

OMG, I have so many old ED books, including ones that I don't have bags for that my daughter suggests we make a trip to Half Price Books and sell them back. You don't get a ton of money for your efforts, but some, maybe I'll net $50, $75 but it is 30-40 minutes to drive there and the same back. So an hour's worth of driving. Since my daughter took my car keys away (because of a bipolar manic episode), I might not have my keys back any time soon. I see the pdoc on Wednesday, but knowing good 'ole pdoc he'll say another WEEK before I can drive.

Now I have all these books sitting around in my office.

It was a very impulsive act bagging them up. Some good came out of hypomania at least.

Maybe I can persuade H to take all of us the Half Price Books tomorrow. We're going to a library out that way to get passports made. The Half Price Books is probably around 10 min. from that library. I hope H agrees.

I want to look at books too, but I'll probably only buy at the library from the Friends of the Library bookstore. There, they sell used books for $1, $2 a piece, much better prices.

That's a lot of weight (physically and metaphorically) you're getting rid of. I bet it'll feel good to get away from that.

A lot of my disordered eating behaviors/obsessions went away when I stopped looking at nutrition labels too. I had disordered eating of various forms for a little over 10 years, at times extreme and at times all but nonexistent, but if we're going based solely on the last two months I wouldn't meet DSM criteria for an ED which feels pretty good.

The other disorders are much easier to handle when you're not constantly ruining your physical health and digging your mental health further down a hole. It's funny how an eating disorder, or any addiction really, will totally take over your mind and convince you that what other people say is "recovery" is going to make you worse. Nasty liars

@MuddyBoots
It is awesome that you are stepping into to recovery after 10 years of disordered eating! I fortunately recovered (well, mostly) from my ED in my 20's and I am 46 now. I had some blips in recovery, a big one when I was sexually abused at a massage parlor Worse, the police didn't believe my claims and didn't pursue it. Then, the statute. of limitations ran out And after I have my daughter (at age 29), I breastfed for a LONG time. She did not want to wean and eat enoughl solid food to gain weight sufficiently for her age. Point is, I loved breastfeeding so much because I got down to a pretty low weight and could eat whatever I wanted. But I really liked the low weight too.

It's like you see a lower number on the scale and suddenly you feel awesome, even if it's just water weight loss such as sweating from exercise.

Not only is body dsymorphic disorder a BYTCH, so is an ED. And an ED is SO hard to let go of. It took me years to get rid of my super small clothes I had when I was at my lowest weight (should have been hospitalized but wasn't and thankfully got back to a healthy weight using CBT).

I hung on to those ED books even longer.

I will be glad when they are out of my office!

I loaded all those books into the car. Man, it was a bit of a workout! Those bags were heavy! I am pretty sure I have more books to get rid of, but those are all the books that will fit in our car and still have room for the 3 of us to ride to the library.

Now that the books are loaded in the car, I think H will definitely think we should go to Half Price books. If he refuses, I know he'll be just fine with donating the books to the library. I really don't care about getting money for the books though some extra cash would be nice as I am running low and I owe my daughter about $100 in allowance because I have skipped 5 months now. She gets $20/per month. I will probably have to go to the ATM because we usually give her extra for getting such good grades in school. Her 10th grade year that kid's LOWEST grade was a 99. She had a lot of 100s as final grades too. She is very smart like H. Maybe like me too but not like me since bipolar hit. I graduated valedictorian of my high school class, summa cum laude with a B.S. in microbiology and a Master's in Cell & Molecular Biology. I wanted to go for a Ph.D. but bipolar and the ED got in the way. And it got in the way of working. Never able to hold down a job for more than a month.

Anyone else feel like mental illness made you dumber?

First off, I commend your daughter for doing so well!

I wouldn't really know if mental illness makes me feel dumber. I obviously had some issues that started early and a lot that were attributed to "she's at that age," lasted longer or until now. I don't know if I'd be in an orchestra or on Jeopardy or anything like that without the related genes and surrounding environment. Maybe I'd have done better in school, got a degree, had a stable job that gets me by. Maybe I would've had less learning experiences and had less street smarts, wouldn't be as good at connecting dots, would be less creative, less understanding, less empathetic. Who knows?

I am rid of all my ED books! Well the majority of them anyway. I am sure I will find more hiding in my shelves.

I sold them to Half Price Books but only got $41. WTH! I thought I'd at least get $50. And all that money went towards paying off all the engineering books H found. I just got a couple of Michael Connelly novels even though I wanted to buy more.

It was hardly worth the trouble. I think next time I will donate those books to the library.

The bad thing is I think it's likely someone with an ED will buy those books and purposely use them as trigger books I know that's what I did. That's sad. I feel guilty about that.

But on the postive side all those books are out of my house and GONE. It was a LOT of books.