[MuddyBoots]

...s (arguments --as in points for her side of the topic of debate)

I know my PCP doesn't know I am as masochistic as it gets because I've seen her like three times, but my pdoc should understand that telling me she's worried about an impending medical crisis/mortality is essentially encouraging me.

Here's the thing, even IP the doc was like "this can get deadly real fast" and I'm like, "???? It's been too long for me to say "fast" (no pun intended ) when it comes to dying. I'm thinking fast death is like getting in a rollercoaster crash and being dead on impact. Not over a decade of something that was bound to develop in someone given their history that went entirely unnoticed for a long while but just changed presentation a lot and is now the ruling thing."

I get it, people are supposed to be afraid of dying. I'm afraid of being threatened to go to the hospital and afraid of causing more trouble than my blood is worth more.

[Victoria'smom]

let them know what you are really afraid of, I'm not afraid of death either but the hospital scares me. I've had hours long conversation with therapists about my fears of hospitalization.

[MuddyBoots]

I swear I feel let down and hopeless because I can’t even get results when being dead is the result I want. No. Just “ physical health isnimportant” lectures. Why tbougb? WHAT IF. I WISH I HAD A BUTTON TO PRESS THAT JUST ENDS THIS ******** FOR ONCE AND FKR APL!???!,!?!?!?!

[Victoria'smom]

So they can't let you because they feel it can get better.for you. Things are completely different then 10 years ago. There will be things they can do. I know it doesn't feel hopeful but day to day can change. I wish you were able to get the services you need.

[MuddyBoots]

I wish I could STOP the services I have! Would be way better off with no “treatment” than whatever the fk the conversations I’ve had today were. I swear it’s like “ha, you think you hate yourself I’ll show you you can hate someone elsr more!”

[Victoria'smom]

I understand not wanting services. How long do you have to have services?

[unaluna]

Muddy, just wanted to say, i am following you, im just not following you - like i cant keep up. But my heart is with yours always.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Muddy, just wanted to say, i am following you, im just not following you - like i cant keep up. But my heart is with yours always.

Same here.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

I understand not wanting services. How long do you have to have services?

I asked if I could ever get put of ACT a few weeks ago and all I got was “not right now.”

Thanks for the feedback though guys. I see my pdoc tomorrow, t sometime? And cm in a few, and I’ve been told quite a bit the last couple days I seem really manic.