[MuddyBoots]

My pdoc mentioned hospital/IEA because my BMI isn't exactly healthy. She assumed fruit was a safe food and that I should eat my favorite fruits more. I can literally only tolerate bananas if they're not in banana form (texture of just eating a plain banana makes me want to puke) or apples if they're dipped in yogurt or chili powder or something (otherwise they, and every other fruit everyone considers a fruit, not including cucumbers or peppers or such--the things biologists consider fruits but chefs consider vegetables-- are too fking sweet). Then she talked about drinks like Ensure and Boost and crap. Like, lady, I don't not eat because I don't want to eat, I don't eat because I want to fking die and in the event I don't do a "short n sweet" ending of my life first, at least this way I'm shortening the time I have here while simultaneously making sure I don't have the mental energy to torture myself in worse ways. Why would I drink some horrific tasting drink just to live longer when I can eat food I like and not? Ensure/Boost/etc. is literally a lose-lose scenario for me. And it's like $20 for 6 bottles/6 servings. For $2 more I can be drunk for a week straight, that would serve my desires more than a fking pack of Ensure. I'd probably want to puke less too.

[Blueberrybook]

Perhaps your pdoc suggested Ensure/Boost because it contains vitamins & minerals along with calcium which your body sorely needs (along with the calories) and assumed that would be an easier way to consume it (by drinking, not eating). I actually used Slimfast shakes (refrigerated) in addition to meals to gain weight because they had more flavor varieties and tasted better to me to help with weight gain. But I had to have like 2 or 3 of those in a day in addition to eating meals, yeah, it really sucked for awhile there. I started making smoothies out of the Slimfast shakes too, blending them with ice which to me helped with the flavor too.

[MuddyBoots]

My body doesn’t need anything. It only needs stuff if it wants to keep being alive.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm sorry you feel this way I for one wouldn't want to see anything bad happen to you. I wish you'd find something to make you feel life is worth living and that you don't have to be consumed by an ED to do it either.

[MuddyBoots]

After my CM left today I got a call (like not even 15 minutes after she left) from someone saying they wanted to meet up tomorrow when I get my meds in the morning and discuss goals. She was saying stuff about school and volunteering and work, and I told my CM I was signing up for trail maintenance days at the parks and keep checking when the music school is holding events they need volunteers for. She said she was going to help me set and reach goals.

Last night I ate kind of a lot (I mean, for me, calorie wise I was still at a deficit for the day but I did eat above BMR levels and ended up calling on-call absolutely bawling saying

Possible trigger: SI and cague description of specific purging habit

I wanted to die and then like 30 minutes called again saying I tried purging but blood came up before I even really started (TW about the purging part): (I do a thing where I start hands free to get ready then have to use hands for anything to come up and I didn’t even use my hands when the blood was there).

So combined with my pdoc saying stuff about how if I lose ANY weight by my next appointment I will be hospitalized voluntarily or involuntarily and those calls I’m scared it’s a cover for discussing going back inpatient “because I need a higher level of care if I want to achieve my goals” or some BS.

[MuddyBoots]

I literally ate like 3/4 of what I probably should be eating twice and b/p’d once in the past four days and apparently already have refeeding edema and it is causing problems.

[Blueberrybook]

muddy, sounds like you need to be in a hospital with medical facilities to treat refeeding syndrome. If you can't get into an ED treatment facility can a medical hospital handle it? I did have a lot of swelling/uneven weight gain when I started recovery; it took a good 6 months to normalize! But because my purging was done through excessive exercise, I also did eat and digest more than the average anorexic, which probably helped things out in my case.

[MuddyBoots]

I don't really have any other symptoms other than the swelling though, so I think I'm okay. I'm half convinced I'm going to be forced to the hospital tomorrow morning anyway though. My CM said she would call to let me know if my doc would let me pick up Saturday's meds on Friday so I can do a volunteering thing that morning, but the only call I got after she left was "do you have time for a meeting with me tomorrow when you pick up meds?" from someone else on the team.

My pdoc probably heard my CM say "she wants her meds a day early because she's doing an hour long walk starting at 7:30am to get to the place to register to clean up the forest for an unknown amount of time (and then walk back home)," and was like "uh, she is very close to 'severely underweight' and I was told she was a total wreck last night, and you're telling me it was over mangos, cherries, yogurt, and fluff. I don't think she should be getting extra meds to be outside on the trails for God knows how long, I got another plan....."