[inkblot]

I had that stupid voc rehab class this afternoon. I feel so pissed off and out of control! There's going to be too many people from that organization in control of my life, making decisions for me, telling me what to do, when and how. One thing I learned today is that they already held the staffing on me--WITHOUT ME! Gee, the others in class attended theirs, or were invited to. I was told mine had to be rescheduled. So then they go ahead and do it without me when they do! This is getting to be too much. I wrote a short note to my T and dropped it off telling him exactly what my mood is at the moment regarding my eating attitudes and behaviors--I would love to do some major damage! The more bone I see, the better, and the faster the better. I don't know what I could accomplish with my current living situation, but think it could be fun to try. It feels like doing this and dropping so much weight so fast will be like telling them, "I'll show you!" Not that it would really accomplish anything, I know. I doubt anything major will come of this, but this is how I feel at this moment. Things will likely change as I calm down. I'm sure it will be soon. I think that I am more wishing than doing anything right now. I'm too afraid to want to eat right now because it will be calories and that won't accomplish the purpose of this mood. Does a mood have a purpose?! Wish I had my T appointment tomorrow instead of that stupid class again.

[Genevieve]

This actually fits with my post about disclosure and "permissions" -- because I find it interesting that you seem to feel as if losing more weight would be punishing your therapist. That fits with what I felt with my last doctor -- as if somehow, when I lost weight, it counted against him. (I suppose it did, since ignoring the fact that I lost almost one third of my already low body weight while he was allegedly treating me -- and without any note of an ED on my chart -- doesn't exactly show him as being outstandingly competent...)

I'm sorry you're having so much trouble with this. Do you mind my asking what sort of a program you're in right now? I'm looking for a more intense program, but don't really have access to any referrals.

Can you see working on your own to get better as a way of punishing him? Thinking more along the lines of, "I'll show him that I don't need him to help me get better! I'll *force* myself not to purge [I think you're a purger? if not, sorry], and I'll make myself healthier -- without his help, and I'll tell him that he didn't have anything to do with it!!!"

I suspect the answer is "no" -- just as it is for me. It's a damned shame it all has to be so hard!

[inkblot]

The program is one that I was referred to by the Dep't of Rehab, for people with disabilities. I am unemployed and have work restrictions for when I do find work, plus this other mental stuff, so they sent me to this other place. My T is not associated with this group or program. It's the people at the program I'd love to "punish". I like my T and I trust him. I'm not a perfect patient or always compliant, but I do trust him and will at least seriously consider anything he says. I might need a little coaxing, but he is much better for me to get along with. He's good, very sweet, good personality and sense of humor. I want to keep things simple--this other group is getting and making things more complicated. It's getting to be too much. I can be much more honest and open with my T than this other place that I have the voc rehab classes at.