[Genevieve]

I'm not even sure what's going on anymore. I know that some of it is because it's so uncomfortable to eat even as much as I was eating a few weeks ago, so I'm eating less to keep my stomach from getting so upset. I've lost more weight, and that's also got me wanting to eat less.

This is related to problems in therapy, because the less I'm eating, the less I"m able to access my emotions, which is what I think started this whole cycle in the first place. It's as though I think that I can stop having emotions at all if I can only lose enough weight. Without emotions, there's no distress, no despair. I guess I just haven't gotten there yet.

In the meantime, my husband walked into the bathroom the other day when I was getting out of the shower. He was shocked. I guess he hasn't looked at me in a while. Now I have to be photographed in my underwear, to document my body. We were supposed to do that the other day, but I couldn't manage it. So that's scheduled for today. It's very frightening.

I don't know. I wonder if others feel the same sense that the drive to lose weight is related to trying to suppress emotions? That sense is getting stronger and stronger in me, and I'm starting to think that I'm trying to die and just don't realize it yet.

[gardenergirl]

I can't speak for others, and you know I can't answer your question personally, but I do think you are on the right track. I think it's almost as if you have an emotion-phobia or an aversion to emotions. Exposure to them will help in the long run. I don't think a flooding type exposure would be good unless you had a tremdous amount of support around you and you were in a good place meds-wise. But a little at a time is a good thing. I hope this is coming along in therapy.

Mostly just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

gg

[partlycloudy]

I'm thinking warm and healing thoughts for you. You've been through quite a wringer already, and you're still here. Have you ever tried smoking some stuff to get the munchies?
pc