[inkblot]

I had been restricting for 1-2 weeks and just realized it Wednesday night. I had known that I wasn't eating as much, but it hadn't "clicked" until then. I know what caused it--I had tried on a pair of jeans. Initially I literally *BARELY* was able to **SQUEEZE** into them because all the swelling in my body had gone down some. But then when I tried one week later, it was totally hopeless--I might as well have been trying to put on a pair of kid size clothing but there was just no way it was going to happen. I had a serious thought but downplayed it in my mind, knowing that there was a very good chance of me developing bad habits again. Sure enough, I started those habits of skipping meals. It took a friend who happened to give me food twice this week for me to notice what I was doing. I don't see him very often so he hadn't known. Far as he was concerned, I was "cured" though I'd told him that I still have issues with it from time to time. I sent him a vague, cryptic text message from my phone that he didn't understand. Yesterday I gave him hints during chat and wrote him an email saying things that just really felt wrong to tell someone. He is actually a doctor, too--a pediatrician. Part of me thinks it feels even more wrong because he is a doctor, even if he's not mine. I think he believes me now that I still have issues with it, LOL. Just because my weight has been up doesn't mean it's "cured". It never really goes away.

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by inkblot

I had been restricting for 1-2 weeks and just realized it Wednesday night. I had known that I wasn't eating as much, but it hadn't "clicked" until then. I know what caused it--I had tried on a pair of jeans. Initially I literally *BARELY* was able to **SQUEEZE** into them because all the swelling in my body had gone down some. But then when I tried one week later, it was totally hopeless--I might as well have been trying to put on a pair of kid size clothing but there was just no way it was going to happen. I had a serious thought but downplayed it in my mind, knowing that there was a very good chance of me developing bad habits again. Sure enough, I started those habits of skipping meals. It took a friend who happened to give me food twice this week for me to notice what I was doing. I don't see him very often so he hadn't known. Far as he was concerned, I was "cured" though I'd told him that I still have issues with it from time to time. I sent him a vague, cryptic text message from my phone that he didn't understand. Yesterday I gave him hints during chat and wrote him an email saying things that just really felt wrong to tell someone. He is actually a doctor, too--a pediatrician. Part of me thinks it feels even more wrong because he is a doctor, even if he's not mine. I think he believes me now that I still have issues with it, LOL. Just because my weight has been up doesn't mean it's "cured". It never really goes away.

Hi!
I don't have any words of advice, but I do know what you're going thru...sort of... I haven't been officially "diagnosed" with an ED, mostly out of embarrassment. I have been dealing with eating/purging (either by restriction or exercise) on and off for ten years now (since i was 15 or 16). I honestly think it's something ppl with EDs have to deal with allll the time. Some days/months/years will be better than others. I went almost two years without giving a second thought and then one day something clicked back on (or off...however you want to put it) and before I knew I was back on that merry-go-round... and then I was fine again and now I am back on it...probably b/c I haven't officially gotten help for this yet( I just started therapy and we havent gotten to this issue yet, tho she does know about it.)....All I can say is stay strong. It would be hypocritical of me to say anything outside of that (sorry didnt mean to pour my life issue into your thread)

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((inkblot))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry this is cropping up for you again.
Do you know what has triggered you going back to the bad habits?

It's good that you recognize this now, so maybe you can fight against it.
Let us know how you are doing....

ktgirl