inpatient

It is so weird.....I remember posting on this forum a few months ago, wondering if I *really* had an eating disorder problem.
I just recently got out of the hospital - I was inpatient for anorexia. For one month. I missed Thanksgiving, and most of December.

Went through "refeeding", which was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. I could never have done it on my own. When I was admitted I was at 75% of my ideal weight. (85% is diagnostic for anorexia)

Now I am in the Partial Hospitalization Program - which is 32 hours a week.

Still struggling with urges to act on my eating disorder. Some days are worse than others. I really don't want to have to go back to inpatient, but it is getting harder and harder to gain.
I want to get better, but I don't want to gain weight. I can't have it both ways, but I am so torn.

I wish I had gotten the help I needed earlier....if I had maybe this road to recovery wouldn't be so excruciating.

If anyone is thinking they may have and ED, please seek help right away. The longer it goes on the harder it is to break the habits.

I've read that eating disorders can never be 'cured', and I hate that I may have to battle this for the rest of my life.
Anyway, thanks for reading this.....good luck to everyone fighting this battle. We can all be in it together and hopefully the support we find here will help us be successful.
to all.
ktgirl

Thank you for the update. Please continue to let us all here know how you are doing.

It is great to hear back from you.

Doll

Hi ktgirl,

I went back through a few of your posts and I could not tell you were struggling from them . You were so supportive of everyone you appeared to be okay.

You are very brave to have gone through inpatient treatment.

I believe the more time away from the old thought patterns and behaviors
the easier it gets . Its there like a light shadow to remind me of where i don't want to go. And for that I am grateful.

I left my Individual therapist after having had one year Binge purge free .

I went to grad school . His parting words to me was .

you will have slips again.

I proved him wrong ... I had help though. the memory of him telling me one day when I came into his office and I said i could not stop.
He said .

Why don't you try masterbating instead of eating.

I excelled dispite some very questionable practicies on his part.

what doesn't kill us makes us very strong.

Im grateful for it all.

anything you need you just hollar.

Patricia

Thanks for your response Porcelain Doll. I am hoping to start posting again now. It is always hard for me to get involved in the forum again after a long break. But you made me feel better about it.

And Patricia, you are so kind to call me brave. Although I think I was mostly desparate.
I hope you are right, and that time will help the recovery process. I feel a lot of hope when I hear from people like you who have been successful in recovery.
Thanks for your positive attitude and encouragement.
Your therapist sounds a bit screwy - I'm glad you were able to press on despite his 'help'.

hugs
kt

((ktgirl))

Nope KT girl.. Its bravery of the highest kind . I was desparate but to scared to put myself in . Thats why it took me so long I think.

yep .. think there was abit of couter transferance.. he had alot of anger at women considering he was in the midst of a divorse and woud answer phone calls from his wife durring our sessions and talk to other clients that called in . has how I know she had a bad back. maybe this was a set up to get me to feel something .. gosh I just don't know about theraputique tech nigues.

Some physical postures he made were questionable . It may have been part of the theraputic technigue not sure, Thats what always went silently through my mind when these thins were happening and being said.

the comment was not a the therapist returning to me what I had already said . I didn't talk about such things .. considering then I rarely spoke much . i was a loosing battle even trying to report it so I didn't .
nad theres always the "shes dissocitive card to play..."

I'm glad I stuck with him even after he ended therapy with me after six months of the above because I had an acident and was out of work and unable to pay . I managed to find a job with insurance . went back because of "history" you know and familiarirty.

I managed to get the regression . which was never worked through well .

that soul incident was worth everything to me . Its what gave me the streghth to be kind to myself . It was a masterful piece of work on his part. Thankful I am for that.

Even forgiving all the yawning and staring at his watch alot . I guess if the ADD part had been recongnized we coud have nipped that part.

I did the get out of the car at the street corner manuver ..

Thanks for the platform . I always learn something new each time I share .

Hope your doing well today.

Patricia

Hang in there KT and you are indeed brave

Thank you Buckeye.....that means a lot to me.

Hi kt girl,

I read so many people on here I forget whos married and whos not . How are you handeling your eating around your family? Are you by yourself or do you have a husband and children.

Do you have to prepare meals for others? if so how does that work for you.

Patricia

Hi Patricia!
I am married and I have 2 small children - ages 6 and 7.
I mostly eat different food than they do. I have a list of 'safe' foods that I allow myself and I don't usually branch out from them.
I have been going to a Partial Hospitalization Program which is 30 hours a week, and most of the time I eat dinner there. So my husband has been cooking for himself and the kids. Luckily he is a really good cook so it is not hard for him to cook healthy meals.
I'll usually have a boca burger for dinner. If my husband's not around I'll cook the kids mac and cheese or something easy, and then have my own dinner. I try to have a bit of a vegetable to be a good example to them although in my meal plan veggies are optional.
OK, I kind of rambled there.......sorry my answer is so scattered.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

flame broiled.. . or original vegan.....

LOL!

alright.. a boca sister.... I make my own TVP but I like them too much So .. its a struggle ;-( My dog likes them as well so we fight over the last bite... LOL!!!!! I have to hide my snacking. Her sense of smell and hearing is incredible I have to get creative . " biskey for you , real thing for me..." I can get greedy and protective of my stash...

Sounds promising for you Kgirl . Your hubby sounds like a gem and your working very hard. It's each day at a time.

I guess the eating around others at meal time helps with your out patient dinners. That was a tough one for me . Not so bad any more though. i think .. well i had dinner twice at two AA functions and I did okay as long as no one knew . I did open up and share with one woman. that was okay but i don't really enjoy it . Way too much exposure. I just don't get out much. I isolate. Probably not a good thing.

Some sort of shame thing.. go figure.

Thanks for sharing. I feel a warm glow inside.

((((((((ktgirl))))))))))))

Patricia