[littleyellowspider]

Hi, I don't know if this will be triggering but i thought just to be safe (I know for me anything I read about an eating disorder is triggering) I mostly just post on the depression board but I came over here because I need some advice. I have struggled with an eating disorder for years, Through therapy and medication I have improved a lot and rarely act on my feelings anymore, but my ED is still a big part of my life, it's still something I think about a lot and I struggle with my body image and feelings of wanting to lose weight daily.

A girl I know the other day at lunch was talking about celebrities and said that in order to get famous these days you need to be on drugs, get pregnant or have an eating disorder, she then proceeded to joke that each of us (there were 3 people in the conversation) would have to do one of these things so we could become well known, she then began making comments about one of us having an eating disorder, she asked if I was sure I wanted to eat that because I "might get fat and have no friends" and then while I was eating commented that I would just "purge it all away later" I didn't know what to do! She is a nice girl and doesn't know anything about my problems and I didn't want to tell her but the conversation was making me very upset, I remember clearly thinking (and sometimes still do think) that if I ate I would get fat and have no friends, or eating and then leaving to purge later. The whole conversation really really upset me. I constantly come in contact with people who make jokes about eating disorders and I never know what to say to them. does anyone have any advice on how to deal with situations like this?
Thank you.

Originally Posted by littleyellowspider

Hi, I don't know if this will be triggering

Hi Yellowspider,

your welcome over here any time. and yup since I have been over here its been triggering in general.. nothing like being tossed into the fire for some more fireing. we get stronger that way.

A girl I know the other day at lunch was talking about celebrities and said that in order to get famous these days you need to be on drugs, get pregnant or have an eating disorder, she then proceeded to joke that each of us (there were 3 people in the conversation) would have to do one of these things so we could become well known, she then began making comments about one of us having an eating disorder, she asked if I was sure I wanted to eat that because I "might get fat and have no friends" and then while I was eating commented that I would just "purge it all away later"

Not sure here Spider if she senses you have a problem and is weaving a web for you to get tangled in. What's your gut feeling on her inflections.

Since she was joking around at the absuridity of equating being famous with having a problem she sounds like she was just rieterating, using all of you to get the point across . That she picked YOU for the eating disordr may have been a coincidence . I guess the response one woud have if they did not have one would be to laugh right?

but she unkowingly hit pay dirt . I would find it hard caught up in that moment to fake it and just laugh.
But behind all of this is a real seriousness to it and a helplesness and powerlessness and the shame that goes with it.

You would be surpried at the number of women who openly joke about women with eating disorders and secrectly they are suffering. Its a cover up so no one will find out.

When I'm in that kind of situation and sence the person is a bit ignorant about eating disorders I'll get bold and clamly chime in and put a bit of somberness to thier chiding. I usually will say I have a very close friend that I love who suffers and this is what I have learned . that one I love is me.

If she has a problem she'll be thankful someone understands.

Hope this give you a spring board for some ideas of your own.

Patricia

[littlemisszombie]

i agree with what the person above says. its difficult to respond coz we dont know in what context it was said in. all i know, is that sometimes friends can be weird,lol, particularly ones that dont know i have an ed. The way ive learned to cope with any situation, particularly if i dont want to divulge my personal things to do with ed to them, is to laugh, wether it is aimed at yourself *****ily or not. if you laugh or stay impartial, and peeps are being *****y or unwittingly hurting your feelings without realising, if you stay impartial, then you arent adding fire to what they are saying.

the only trouble with that is that later, when the friends arent around, is dealing with your inner feelings about what and how things were said. and then its up to yourself to decide do i need to be with them or not? how i judge that, is based on this that happened to me with a friend who i dont bother with anymore, coz i remember how it made me feel:

it was a halloween party, and to cut a long story short, after a few drinks at the end of the night, this friend, the hostess, after going on and on and on about her own fight with ed, thought it would be great fun to get out scales and make everyone weigh themselves. when put under pressure in front of people, my choice was, what do i do? do i stand on them or flee? either way everyone will make their own minds up, so i may aswell stand on the disgusting things, and i stood on them, and then my friend laughing exclaimed my meagre weight to the whole party, and said" i was like you, i looked thin and ugly and disgusting and unattractive."

i now judge each thing by that standard, coz wether drunk or not, that was horrid, even a lady at the party with no ed said it was badmannered to make all the party guests hop on the scales. that is one extent to how friends can be unthinking, so its really down to yourself to put it in perspective as to how 'bad' some jokey things are. i hope that helps.

[eggo07]

The most important thing is to know yourself and be confident in yourself and with yourself. Confidence is life's only currency. You don't have to respond to anyone, you don't have to explain, justify or apologize. You know that you are working on yourself and that is all that matters.
I might suggest hanging around people that have more positive and thoughtful views on life b/c this person seems to be immature and by association you could be cast in that category.
You are a good person and deserve to be around good people

Originally Posted by littlemisszombie

i agree with what the person above says. its difficult to respond coz we dont know in what context it was said in. all i know, is that sometimes friends can be weird,lol, particularly ones that dont know i have an ed. The way ive learned to cope with any situation, particularly if i dont want to divulge my personal things to do with ed to them, is to laugh, wether it is aimed at yourself *****ily or not. if you laugh or stay impartial, and peeps are being *****y or unwittingly hurting your feelings without realising, if you stay impartial, then you arent adding fire to what they are saying.

the only trouble with that is that later, when the friends arent around, is dealing with your inner feelings about what and how things were said. and then its up to yourself to decide do i need to be with them or not? how i judge that, is based on this that happened to me with a friend who i dont bother with anymore, coz i remember how it made me feel:

it was a halloween party, and to cut a long story short, after a few drinks at the end of the night, this friend, the hostess, after going on and on and on about her own fight with ed, thought it would be great fun to get out scales and make everyone weigh themselves. when put under pressure in front of people, my choice was, what do i do? do i stand on them or flee? either way everyone will make their own minds up, so i may aswell stand on the disgusting things, and i stood on them, and then my friend laughing exclaimed my meagre weight to the whole party, and said" i was like you, i looked thin and ugly and disgusting and unattractive."

i now judge each thing by that standard, coz wether drunk or not, that was horrid, even a lady at the party with no ed said it was badmannered to make all the party guests hop on the scales. that is one extent to how friends can be unthinking, so its really down to yourself to put it in perspective as to how 'bad' some jokey things are. i hope that helps.

Originally Posted by eggo07

The most important thing is to know yourself and be confident in yourself and with yourself. Confidence is life's only currency. You don't have to respond to anyone, you don't have to explain, justify or apologize. You know that you are working on yourself and that is all that matters.
I might suggest hanging around people that have more positive and thoughtful views on life b/c this person seems to be immature and by association you could be cast in that category.
You are a good person and deserve to be around good people

Hi Eggo7

Fabulous powerful first post . Thank you. And welcome.

Confidence is lifes only currencey . Certainly worth more than real currencey. Many of us struggle with confidence here . food had and has us over the barrel . I was totally powerless ,confidence got me know where. thats a bit different that the confidence your speacking of though I believe. confidence in knowing your on the path to recovery and working on it.

My after thought from my first response was one can always say and do nothing. That's always an option as well and I have done that also. I do agree that work one is doing in any area that others have no experience with is all thats reqired to shore up any crass behavior or comments.

Little miss,

It was a halloween party, and to cut a long story short, after a few drinks at the end of the night, this friend, the hostess, after going on and on and on about her own fight with ed, thought it would be great fun to get out scales and make everyone weigh themselves. when put under pressure in front of people, my choice was, what do i do? do i stand on them or flee? either way everyone will make their own minds up, so i may aswell stand on the disgusting things, and i stood on them, and then my friend laughing exclaimed my meagre weight to the whole party, and said" i was like you, i looked thin and ugly and disgusting and unattractive

How about with a smile while standing on the scale .

"Thank's.... I've always wanted to be told I'm pathetic in front of a group of my peers by a friend of mine." and then exit gacefully.

these sorts of return responses never come to me quick enough when I need them .always after the fact.

Shaming a person into changing is never helpful.

That had to have hurt mightily Little miss . That sort of comment would have had me in a binge in the olden days taking it out on myself . Now I just get hurt maybe angry and have to deal with that.

A glance at the watch and a "I prommised to call a friend who needs some help " and a slip out the door is all thats needed . For the next time.

Most of the commnets I have gotten have been sideways always within ear shot not direct but carefull positioned for me to hear and sometimes see. I'm good at that as well I learned from the pros.

I had a female therapist say to me once with this angry look on her face . "You really have quite a stomache on you. "

I couldn't respond . I never asked what she meant. Her life was as neat as a pin not a peticote out of place and she was alot thinner than I. I haven't a clue as to where that came form . Maybe again it was a technique to try to get me to respond .

" we got an emotinally blunted woman here . lets see if we can get a rise out of her this time with some innappropriate comments."

I happen to have had alot of belly fat . My mother used to grab it alot . there was this physical violation from my mother around this .

I got rid of the tummy fat.

I do have a very very weak stomach . All hurtful daggers go right there they feel like dagers . Words have that effect for me Maybe there is something to not taking the blows in the gut. when they keep happening its time to get out of the ring.

Patricia