[tifferific]

I won't let my doc weigh me. I tell myself I'm fine, but on a daily basis I am less of myself. I,ve been in the hospital 5 times or something like that. I think I am progressing but ca,t seem to get past a certain weight, or should - say feeling. I just need someone to talk to I'm worn out.

[RhubarbDali]

Hey Tifferific

Getting past any feelings/ thoughts from an Eating Disorder is very hard, would you like to talk about those feelings you have that may be stopping you from recoverying fully?

Are you currently getting any support like counselling, cbt or something like that to help you fight your ED?

Sorry i am new to this board and not 100% sure how support varies from this site to another ><

[Porcelain_doll_2004]

Tifferific I am a lot of the time in the chat or at least on PM. I try to read all of the posts that are posted here as long as I am dealing okay with my ed okay that day if not it's the next day before I can get to it. I am the one that runs the ED chat which you are always welcome to. I am also online alot of the time in chats, feel free to talk to me in there I can always make another room and we can talk all you want. I am here to help as much as I can. I am sorry I have not responded quicker but I have been very very sick (not ED related) so I haven't been able to do a lot of responding. I am trying to get to where I can respond to most post on here. Feel free to PM me at any time also. I am here for you.

Just so you know the ED chat is tonight (Monday) at 9 PM EST.

Doll

[tifferific]

Crap all of the flags are up! I tend to be one of those hard core anorexics with the purging type. Lax a lot and all. I think that comes from just wanting everything out of me. How do you guys talk about traumas and stuff? Do you just whip them out rhere?

[littlemisszombie]

i cant talk about all my traumas, i can some of them. before getting to grips with admitting i had an ed, i have had therapy for manic depression for years, and i cant talk about all of mine even to therapists. i cant talk about some of them in detail but i can briefly tell the therapists about some of them.

a lot of my problems stem from when i was little, some to do with my own family, some to do with people that you are meant to trust but abused their position and me, and some are past relationships, and people who i dont really know properly.

i cant understand in one way what you are going through, but in one way i can. because you are constantly wanting to be 'normal',or think normal which is what i want aswell, and i hope that at some point you will be able to be at peace inside i question all the time if anyone can truly help me, but i think f*** it, i may aswell let them all have a good crack at helping me, even if its forever, even if it turns out they cant ever help me, at least i gave it a good go. even when i feel like ive already failed myself,i flipping well havent and i wont let my family say that im a failure or doing crap, coz they arent doing what im doing,or actually living with what i am. yes, they live with the fallout and they live with me with my ed, but they havent got my ed,i have, and noone knows how hard it is to talk about personal things for an hour like you said. especially if they are the types of things i would much rather not have to re-live just by talking about them.

[tifferific]

Originally Posted by littlemisszombie

i cant talk about all my traumas, i can some of them. before getting to grips with admitting i had an ed, i have had therapy for manic depression for years, and i cant talk about all of mine even to therapists. i cant talk about some of them in detail but i can briefly tell the therapists about some of them.

a lot of my problems stem from when i was little, some to do with my own family, some to do with people that you are meant to trust but abused their position and me, and some are past relationships, and people who i dont really know properly.

i cant understand in one way what you are going through, but in one way i can. because you are constantly wanting to be 'normal',or think normal which is what i want aswell, and i hope that at some point you will be able to be at peace inside i question all the time if anyone can truly help me, but i think f*** it, i may aswell let them all have a good crack at helping me, even if its forever, even if it turns out they cant ever help me, at least i gave it a good go. even when i feel like ive already failed myself,i flipping well havent and i wont let my family say that im a failure or doing crap, coz they arent doing what im doing,or actually living with what i am. yes, they live with the fallout and they live with me with my ed, but they havent got my ed,i have, and noone knows how hard it is to talk about personal things for an hour like you said. especially if they are the types of things i would much rather not have to re-live just by talking about them.

I feel ready to bust. The screwing on that went on with me is insane. I just want to stuff it. It hurts so bad. There's noone I can trust. Because especially if it is someone who is close to me. They"ll hurt me or leave.I'm freaking now.

[littlemisszombie]

that is similar to me. not today, but some days it catches me out and just jumps on my back and i get freaked out about it aswell. that is why i missed a therapy appt before christmas. its horrid isnt it, and i wish i had massively long arms and i could give you a big massive cuddle and tell you it will all be alright,.

[tifferific]

But it's not alright the flash backs the nightmares. When I try to talk about this crap I can't even breath. I need to hide. Then I start to think about the I might not remember. I am such a mess thanks for the long distance hug. Back at ya.

[littlemisszombie]

no its not alright, but at the same time, it will end up alright in the end. you might have changed as a person because of things, and things will never ever be the same again, but you are a lovely person, even though you probably think you arent like i think about myself, but you are, because if you wasnt, all these things that have happened to you and/or affected you, wouldnt have affected you and come out in this way. what i mean is, if you were truly a rotten person, you would be being like the people that were rotten to you and you wouldnt care a toss about anyone else and if you hurt them. do you see? im not saying that it coming out how its affected you as an ed is good, but what im saying is you are good, and not a failure in anyway. what i think is, that you are the strong one, because no matter how youve dealt with things, youve dealt with them and here you are, still dealing with them. it doesnt matter that you might think youve failed, you havent.

[littlemisszombie]

some people are rotten and nasty, to different extents, and things affect people in different ways. like me, you have had to try and live a normal life, but something has to give, because everyone has different breaking points. im a horrid mess in my eyes, and sometimes, you might or might not feel like this, sometimes i wish i could go to bed and never have to get out of it ever again. i wish i would just disappear. sometimes i wish someone could cure me of thinking. i wish i didnt think. or that they could let me write one list of things i would never ever want to think about and they could make them disappear. i really feel for you lots, because i think things have happened and hurt you to the extent that like me, it becomes too much to bear anymore, that the only way to take stock of yourself is in a never ending circle of finding your own control over it all. but i cant control my own control. its really difficult to say some things on here because i dont want to trigger other people, you or myself,if you know what i mean, but to put it bluntly, i cant end my own life in a fast way, and i dont really want to die, but it really is difficult on a day to day basis to stick to my own goals and professionals goals aswell, and all i can do is sometimes take it and force it to go at my own pace with opening up to people about things, but at the same time try and at least get better gradually. it might take me 30 more years to get completely better, but and this is the point, you want to get better at the same as wanting to think f*** it all, because i dont want the people to hurt me to win and take anymore of me than they have already.

[tifferific]

I just wish I would beable to talk. I wish someone would have helpedM I wish someone would have listened. I was alone. Yet I'm ok with it there's nothing at all ok about any of it. And I still let it go on for fear of being alone or abandoned. Evertone thinks I'm so strong. I'm such a mess.

[littlemisszombie]

so did i. there is a part of me that wants to say what happened. the very first school i went to in my life was when i was four, in the late seventies. i used to walk to school with my mum, because there wasnt a public or school bus available from where i lived, so we used to have a 30 minute walk to the next village.

in those days, and at this school inparticular, the headmaster was a bully to even the littlies like me at school. he threw a friend of mine, aged four over a table stacked with chairs because it was her first day and frightened to take her coat off.the headteacher got away with it, but the girl and another child who spoke out was branded liars and the headteacher still taught there.

well,we would see him drive to school, the same way we went, until one day he pulled up and said i could have a lift. the first few times i would cry and he would boom at me to shut up etc, but then he started to abuse me. he abused me twice on two separate occasions. i darent tell of him for a start coz he was petrifying, but i also didnt tell because, and i sort of knew but didnt know why i knew it was wrong what he was doing coz i didnt want him to but he did anyway, and i was scared of telling my mummy, because she let me get in the car. and as i grew older it grew harder to tell her because i couldnt hurt her, because she let me go to my abuser unwittingly and i knew it would break her heart. there was an element aswell that her and my daddy would think i made it up, and i didnt want to be called a liar and i didnt want my mum and dad to turn their back on me.

that is one of many things in my life that has affected me and helped towards build me into the good and bad points of myself today. there are worse things than this, that i cant ever ever begin to talk about. but i cant let the b****rd win, ive got to at least try to beat what is wrong with me. i dont really want to understand the ins and outs of everything that has happened to me and contributed to my self-loathing that i have an ed. i dont want to be known as her with the ed, and that headmaster and other people revelling in how theyve helped to destroy me. i dont want to give them the satisfaction anymore, wether im fully happy or not, i dont care so long as im alive and healthy and showing them outwardly they havent ground me down. i dont care if im an emotional wreck inside and have to be therapised til my dying day, so long as all of them are awestruck at how perfectly rounded an individual i outwardly are. none of them will know im being therapised constantly, or know how they have truly got to me.

i hope that at some juncture you will reach a turning point of some kind, and for whatever reason, get better.

[tifferific]

Originally Posted by littlemisszombie

some people are rotten and nasty, to different extents, and things affect people in different ways. like me, you have had to try and live a normal life, but something has to give, because everyone has different breaking points. im a horrid mess in my eyes, and sometimes, you might or might not feel like this, sometimes i wish i could go to bed and never have to get out of it ever again. i wish i would just disappear. sometimes i wish someone could cure me of thinking. i wish i didnt think. or that they could let me write one list of things i would never ever want to think about and they could make them disappear. i really feel for you lots, because i think things have happened and hurt you to the extent that like me, it becomes too much to bear anymore, that the only way to take stock of yourself is in a never ending circle of finding your own control over it all. but i cant control my own control. its really difficult to say some things on here because i dont want to trigger other people, you or myself,if you know what i mean, but to put it bluntly, i cant end my own life in a fast way, and i dont really want to die, but it really is difficult on a day to day basis to stick to my own goals and professionals goals aswell, and all i can do is sometimes take it and force it to go at my own pace with opening up to people about things, but at the same time try and at least get better gradually. it might take me 30 more years to get completely better, but and this is the point, you want to get better at the same as wanting to think f*** it all, because i dont want the people to hurt me to win and take anymore of me than they have already.

This is crazy cuz its been almost 25 years for me. I don't want them to win just like you. I'm so past the point of being TRIGGERED by someone elses demonds sadly I am sure that I have many things that would trigger others but for me there's not much that I have not been blessed with in this lovely life. This does make for a million and one scars but at least now when things happen I kind of go numb. I have pesonality detatchment disorder thank god for that. I guess I have miss out of on a lot of good. But the bad between ed and floating away with some of my episodes I've been thankful. Thanks for talking with me today. You have been helpful. I'm having an awful time and it's good to know your there. Most people don't get me. Your alright.

[littlemisszombie]

a lot of people dont get me i had read what you had posted, and thought well it sounds like you are crying out for just a chat with someone, anybody, and noone had actually 'chatted', and i do hope you feel a lot happier today i still think you arent giving yourself credit where its due, but im self destructive and self critical aswell i dont mind talking to you anytime, about anything. even if you wanted a chat about anything not ed related.

[tifferific]

Crap!!!!! 35 and I'm freakin breakin out again. I hate when you get into your ed but then you have to were it on your face anyone know any tricks?