[ickydog2006]

POSSIBLY TRIGGERING

Today was the first day I didn't feel stomach pain from not eating. In one sense I was thankful that my stomach didn't hurt today, on the other hand it's a little scary and I am losing the comfort of the pain. I haven't eaten more than some bread and chocolate the last few days. Today I had my first real meal in a while. I was making eggs and cheese for my husband today (he wanted it for lunch *go figure*) and I made a burrito for myself out of it. I felt full and disgusted with myself. It just felt like it shouldn't be in there. It felt like a normal satisfied stomach but it still felt wrong to me. I wonder if my dislike for myself is partially behind this ('I don't deserve to be full') but I'm not sure. On Thursday there is a BBQ for my my husband's co-workers and families. I went to the last one. It was really fun. I'm nervous this time though. It's basically common knowledge that I eat as much if not more than everyone there. I'm scared people will notice me eating half a plate, compared to my normal 4 plates. Or what if I just switch to bulimia. I began being anorexic in middle school til a friend threatened to tell my parents. Then I switched to bulimia, much easier to hide especially at school. I did a lot of damage to my body due to bulimia and I guess I feel like there are less consequences to just not eating. I don't know. I feel scared and confused. My husband hasn't noticed much since we don't eat together often and because of his work schedule we sometimes end up eating at different times (i.e. it's not that strange for me to have eaten before I feed him). I know, this is pretty much just rambling now, but yeah, I'm pretty sure I covered everything.

Originally Posted by ickydog2006

POSSIBLY TRIGGERING

Today was the first day I didn't feel stomach pain from not eating. In one sense I was thankful that my stomach didn't hurt today, on the other hand it's a little scary and I am losing the comfort of the pain. I haven't eaten more than some bread and chocolate the last few days. Today I had my first real meal in a while. I was making eggs and cheese for my husband today (he wanted it for lunch *go figure*) and I made a burrito for myself out of it. I felt full and disgusted with myself. It just felt like it shouldn't be in there. It felt like a normal satisfied stomach but it still felt wrong to me. I wonder if my dislike for myself is partially behind this ('I don't deserve to be full') but I'm not sure. On Thursday there is a BBQ for my my husband's co-workers and families. I went to the last one. It was really fun. I'm nervous this time though. It's basically common knowledge that I eat as much if not more than everyone there. I'm scared people will notice me eating half a plate, compared to my normal 4 plates. Or what if I just switch to bulimia. I began being anorexic in middle school til a friend threatened to tell my parents. Then I switched to bulimia, much easier to hide especially at school. I did a lot of damage to my body due to bulimia and I guess I feel like there are less consequences to just not eating. I don't know. I feel scared and confused. My husband hasn't noticed much since we don't eat together often and because of his work schedule we sometimes end up eating at different times (i.e. it's not that strange for me to have eaten before I feed him). I know, this is pretty much just rambling now, but yeah, I'm pretty sure I covered everything.

Hi IDog,

I hear fear of exposure. fear of who knows what , fear of being watched, and I can list more like what they must think.

I woud be afraid too . The one thing I cannot bear is going to functions where others may know because of gossip. I risked in an AA meeting of my past a few months ago and already I see people avoiding me . One man has gone from bieng very nice to actually giving me looks of repulsion.

In fact I feel crippled by all the people I did tell for the first time here in my town . openly shared, who later turned on me . They are in the community . One is A openly gay male MD DR, who openly writes a column and freely comments about others personal lives face to face. He is involved in the one area I love and have told no one , I do not doubt he has said something.

I HATE gossip. and when others disscus me I discuss them .

It's not easy recovering from an eating disorder and having others make your disorder THIER buisness.

You are Working on it and thats all that matters. The full feeling and feeling guilt or scared you'll gain weight is what I experienced too.
The guilt is maybe you don't desreve to be full .

I wish I had words of wisdom that would help you feel less anxious at the BBQ. I think facing the realites of what s really out there is important and learning how to deal with others shame poured onto my own is a challenge
There is a well used phrase in certain cirlces that helps.

"Its none of my buisness to know what other think of me ."

It's kinda AZZ backwards .

It means. Its nobodys buisness to judge me negatively. And if you are please keep it to yourself.

How about. "Its only food" it is only food . Its all the stuff of life and interacting with others and what hey think and how we treat each other is what matters,

We can't control others. You can ask your husband to please resepct your anonimity and not disscuss it with family members friends . That if he has concerns to see a therapist . You have the right to ask if he has, Your comfort is paramount durring your recovery process and beyond.

I'm abslutely adamant about this when it comes to eating disorders and other addictions,

If you need a sister who's there for you in spirit at the BBQ when your feeling exposed . Just think of me , Because Im right there. because Ive been there.

Patricia

Hi IDog,

How did the event turn out?

Patricia

[ickydog2006]

Relatively good. I over ate, but I kept from throwing up. My husband has since noticed my eating habits and has been keeping track of me more. It's frustrating but I know its for the best.

Originally Posted by ickydog2006

Relatively good. I over ate, but I kept from throwing up. My husband has since noticed my eating habits and has been keeping track of me more. It's frustrating but I know its for the best.

Brave you are I Dog. If someone was watching me It would drive me up a wall . If you feel supported by that and it helps you go for it.

Good news you mae it through so well.

Patricia