[Martina]

I can't control this, it is controlling me. I don't know how to stop.

I have Bipolar II Disorder AND Borderline Personality Disorder. I thought the binging was just a symptom of those two disorders - it is - but I'm doing so great right now on medications, feeling a lot better about myself, getting somewhere in therapy. I am not depressed. So why am I still eating so much?

The scary thing is, my blood glucose levels were high again. They were high a few times when I was in & out of the hospital last summer (suicide attempts). But then my levels were normal and they just let it go. Then it was high again a few weeks ago. I'm not diagnosed, but basically self-diagnosed as Pre-Diabetic. So I need to do what I can to prevent full-blown diabetes. I am taking Zyprexa which causes extreme weight gain and increased appetite, and has been known to cause high blood glucose and Type II Diabetes. Wonderful. Yet every time we try to go off the Zyprexa, my life goes crazy. Suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, lost my job. It's not a pretty sight. So I have to stay on the Zyprexa.

I weigh 238.5 pounds right now. Only 3.5 pounds shy of my heaviest weight ever - 242 pounds in August 2005 when I gave birth. Only now, I'm not pregnant.

I did so well in 2007. I lost 40 pounds on Weight Watchers, got down from 209 pounds to 169 pounds in only a few months. I was "overweight" instead of "obese" finally. But then something snapped that fall, and I started falling off the deep end mentally. I gained back 30 pounds fast, then another 50 pounds since starting the Zyprexa. But I can't really blame the Zyprexa - I'm the one shoveling all the crappy food into my mouth and sitting on my *** and not exercising.

I've had 4 binges in the last 7 days. And I don't even really like the food. I find any excuse to leave the house, go to the nearest drive-thru and order enough food for about 4-5 people, then sit in my car and eat it all, dispose of the evidence, chew some gum, then go home and eat with my family as if nothing happened. I buy sugary sweets and hide them in the house then devour them when no one is looking. One time I baked a pan of brownies, ate the entire thing (13x9 pan), washed the dishes and put it all away before my husband got home. It's like I think if no one sees me eating, then it didn't happen.

I need to get control of this. I might be diabetic. How am I going to keep my blood sugar under control if I eat an entire pan of brownies??!! I need to lose a substantial amount of weight to control the diabetes. How am I going to lose weight if I keep binging so much?

What I really don't understand is - WHY am I still binging?? I always thought it was because I was not stable emotionally/mentally. But I'm doing really good now. The meds are working, therapy is working, I'm doing so well. My life really sucks right now, but I'm not down in the dumps about it (I lost my job). So why am I still eating???

How do I STOP?!

[tinaseajed]

I've found that even when I'm doing well in therapy, and life is going my way, I still am unable to control my compulsive eating without the assistance of a support group. My compulsive overeating disease has progressed too far to face alone. Personally, I attend Overeater's Anonymous, and it is helping me with binges one day at a time. I wish I understood why I have to do it that way, but it defies explanation. Good luck to you.

[Martina]

I went to a few meetings of Overeaters Anonymous, but it just didn't work for me. I'm in a smaller town so there weren't very many people at the meetings. And I'm Atheist, so I have a hard time with all the references to God. I know you can do the 12 steps without believing in God, I just can't figure out how to do so. I do have all the books they tell you to buy, maybe I can read and do it on my own. I just didn't fit in at the meetings.

I liked the Weight Watchers meetings where I used to live, in a bigger city. I was able to pick a leader that I liked. I think that's why I lost so much so fast. But now I'm in a small town, and there is only one meeting available, and I just felt out of place there. I'm not sure why.

I had another half-binge today. Not huge, but it was food I shouldn't have eaten and I knew it but I ate it anyway. Sigh. At least I got some exercise - went walking for an hour & a half. The weather was gorgeous so it was nice to get out and walk in it.

Originally Posted by Martina

I went to a few meetings of Overeaters Anonymous, but it just didn't work for me. I'm in a smaller town so there weren't very many people at the meetings. And I'm Atheist, so I have a hard time with all the references to God. I know you can do the 12 steps without believing in God, I just can't figure out how to do so. I do have all the books they tell you to buy, maybe I can read and do it on my own. I just didn't fit in at the meetings.

The first few meetings I went to I had some similar reactions. I didn't like the God stuff, God was for everyone but me , somehow i was unworthy.I was the only one with Bulimia etc etc.

I went back and over the years slogged through my defenses. The answers are there . ya just have to cut through your own mustard to get to the meat.

I do still let one person keep me from OA. I just saw her recently she is on her way to anorexia . So you never know how a person may or may not be changing.

I liked the Weight Watchers meetings where I used to live, in a bigger city. I was able to pick a leader that I liked. I think that's why I lost so much so fast. But now I'm in a small town, and there is only one meeting available, and I just felt out of place there. I'm not sure why.

sometimes we need to practice principals befor personalites. Its difficult .

as I just shared about my own struggles. At least in OA most people are trying to do that. So you may not feel like you click or belong or find a leader you can choose from in this small group of weight watchers.

Same could be said for the small group in OA or finding a therapist for that matter . if you can keep their personalites out of it and just focus on your eating and why when and where of your eating specifically for you and follow a program , you can recover.

keeping thoughts and feelings away from eating works.

I have never really looked at how add has worked with my eating disorer . I am now.

just last night I had started to eat dinner. I do the usuall pull out a bowl and start tasting. next thing I know Im eating and my thinking gets started.
My minds off wandering about something or some one coud be funny could be emotional could be embarassing could be frustrating or find myself figuring something out I didn't see before and Im getting angry .

I may have forgotten to do something and I get uspeet with myself .Its not always around peolple . Its places or things i might be thinking about . the pattern the process is the same .

mean while like walking and riding a bycycle and thinking about stuff,

I' m eating with moments in between the thinking of "boy this tastes good"

next thing I know I don't "know" how much I have eaten.

this is how distraction works with my eating now . its not dissociation,

One way to prevent myself from falling into this life long pattern since child hood is to .

portion out my food and don't taste out of the bowl pan first.

then when ready have the focous be on just eating . Im tasting chicken and rice now .

yum ,this is SOOOOOOO good

Ive heard others recommend doing this .
Its only untill I can see it through ADD/ADHD that it makes perfect sence.

If your veiwing your ED around through a Bi polar BPD diagnosis . this may not help you ,

eating and binging is only defined By YOU the sufferer.
its your job to figure it out FOR you .

most everyone is speacking what they know might help be it a therapit who has never experienced any of the above and is relying on the research of other s or say me right now typing these words.
Its gonna take you to fit the word with your reality and say yes . this is true for me and its why I over eat .

the ones who are suffering and recovering are the ones who can get you there if your willing to trust and be open that they may know something.
you'll find them in OA if you hang out long enough. And if there are none only the strugglers . you can rely on the lturature written by those who have . Metings can always be directed to reading the liturature by just requesting it be read instead of open discussions . it nice to sit in a group and read and hear others read .

If you can stay focued...... it works its way in to your brain to use when your alone.

Oh the drive through buy ups... your palnning a binge.

planning a binge is not an optioin in recovery . I know myself . I know when Im walking in front of the candy isle and baked goods section and theres a sale on and everythings in bags . and if I say to myself I can hande this . Im in denile.
I think back on the 98 % of the times It caused me much angst of reaching for more . and this helps me walk away . its only food.

I belive for me now grazing is not an option so portioning out of my meals and sitting and being very aware of what im doing around food has to be part of my reovery . time and time agin is showing me if i don't, Ill suffer the concequeses.

its real simple once you surrender to what you" need to do" rather than I "should" just be able to wing it,
and to come to the realization this is a life long commitment . A life style change not just a diet.

Patricia

[tinaseajed]

When I first went to OA I was so angry that it wasn't like what I expected, but I found recovery there. I let one person drive me away (an anorexic bully) and immediately went into relapse. I stayed in relapse for over 5 years and white-knuckled things until I began purging again.

I sucked it up and went back --- I committed to attend one meeting a week, nothing more, nothing less. Even through my resistence and anger recovery found me. Never will a bully get my recovery again...

As an aside, I really hate being lumped in with anorexics, (I am bulimic). I just think there is a big difference in the diseases, although the answer may be the same. The group I go to is bulimia-focused.

Originally Posted by tinaseajed

I sucked it up and went back --- I committed to attend one meeting a week, nothing more, nothing less. Even through my resistence and anger recovery found me. Never will a bully get my recovery again...

As an aside, I really hate being lumped in with anorexics, (I am bulimic). I just think there is a big difference in the diseases, although the answer may be the same. The group I go to is bulimia-focused.

Hi Tina,

I know what this is like . I had the same thing but it was from a few compulsive over eater who did not purge.

I actually had more of a kinship with women who had anorexia . Im trying not to judge people who suffer from various categories based on a few.

I was in ED out patient group therapy for about a year . It was co -led by one woman and one man . It was kinda uncomfortable for me in that I knew the woman was a recovered Bulimic . I met her in OA. she was the one who told me to sit with the feelings . instead of purge. She used to sit in a rocking chair. it stuck with me . A simple image but pretty much was what I held onto. when the going gets tough sit with the burn.

I was the only individual who suffered from bulimia . in the group. It was a pre existing group where some had been there for two years . It was hard to really get support from them . I think that had aot to do with me though looking back . . But I used it to the max and made my way out and left the group last to enter first to leave. It was insurance reasons primarily cause I was going to school . I was of and running so it was okay . I had some fall back from it . I was harrased on the phone by one of the members with an anonymous phone call . I recognized her voice.

Looking back on it now I realize we were all suffering . Its not much fun seeing some poeple get it while your struggling . Ive been in both positions.
How I see myself is Im a heart beat away from a binge .

In an aa meeting a month ago there was a discussion about the only desire for membership is a desire to stop drinking . In the early begginings of the group there was a man who was a drug addict . There was alot of upheavel amoung the group members surrounding leting a drug addict in .

They were afraid it would bring thier group "down' give others /
a bad look . They considered themselves higher class intelligent drunks.

what would it do if we let him in.?

i think thats why they came up with 'the only desire for membership is a desire to stop drinking .' Thank goodness.

In OA its a desire to stop eating compulsively . I belive many with anorexia have bouts of binging and purging . It geta a bit tricky if one is not eating enough .

but making a comitment to a food food plan of higher calories and not get rid of it would fit in there .
its the commitment to change is what we all have in common.


gosh . something happened to me today.
Im actually gonna get my scale out and see what a 6 oz portion looks like . I usualy eye ball it Im actually willing to do it ! .

as in looking forward to it.

unreal!!!!!!!!

late supper..

Patricia

I had a more accurate recall of my ed group . a few faces came back to me . there were about eight of us two had anorexia and the rest of us Bulimia ..

I was the oldest . The one who called me had Bulimia and she was just 18.

any way . gals .. we have many people here suffering from ed light to severe.

I was severe when I started my recovery . I care about Tiffer here very much and Beth and everyone and they need all our support.



Patricia

[tinaseajed]

I realized that my words might have sounded harsh in hindsight. It wasn't quite what I meant to say and I almost came back and deleted the post, but I didn't. My apologies to anyone I may have inadvertently hurt with judgement based upon one negative experience.

I DO think that the three disorders have some very different aspects and that we benefit (especially early in recovery) from being around those the most like us. I think as recovery gets stronger it is easier to see the "samenesses" and help each other more.

[tracy33]

I've had that problem when I took Zyprexa. I gained weight so quickly and I couldn't stop eating. All I thought about was food. Is it possible for you to try a different antipsychotic? I take Abilify and it works great for me. I'm also bipolar. Also, I gained from Lithium, so I went off that and started on Topamax. I lost 70 pounds. I went from fat to skinny. All I did was explpain to my therapist and pdoc that I couln't handle the depressions from how heavy I was and insecure and it was all from the meds. Topamax leveled my mood swings very well. I just recently started eating alot again and I expressed my concern with my pdoc and she raised my Topamax due to my moods being out of whack and to help with my appetite. So far it's helping.
You say you're doing well with your meds now so I don't know if you're up for a change, I just wanted to share my experience.

[Martina]

I would LOVE to go off the Zyprexa, but we have tried 3 times so far and each time had tragic consequenses. First time, switched to Abilify, and within a week I had a suicide attempt. Had 2 more within 3 months. So I was back on Zyprexa, and we tried to go off it in October. I started having suicidal thoughts and going back to some old bad habits (online stuff & shopping). So back on Zyprexa. Then just after Christmas we went down on the dosage - not even entirely off it - and I lost my job! Because I had been taking too much sick leave because I was too depressed to drag my *** out of bed and get to work.

I asked about Topamax a while ago, but since I'm also on Lamictal, she said I shouldn't be on both. She has me on Invega and Zyprexa right now - I *think* her plan is to get me off Zyprexa and onto Invega as soon as my life is stable enough to try the switch. I would love to get off the lithium too - I get horrible acne, I look like a 30 year old teenager. But I don't know if I can get of lithium or not - plus it's so cheap I don't mind spending the $4 a month for it, versus all my other meds that are expensive.

[tracy33]

I take both Topamax and Lamictal ( 300mg ) together. I have been for 3 years now. This has been the best combo for me, along with Abilify.
For some reason, I think that some doctors are a little reluctant to prescribe Topamax.

[Martina]

I just wish I could figure out what triggers me. Because it's not just one thing. I used to think it was depression - but then why do I gain weight when I'm not depressed? Maybe it's stress, maybe just boredom, I don't know. In one part of my brain I *desperately* want to lose weight and be thin and pretty. But the other part of my brain just wants to eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and....

Today I bought two big packages of cookies from the bakery at the grocery store. Ate about 10 cookies just on the way home. The rest are stashed away in the house where my husband won't see them.

I feel like I'm an addict. I guess I am.

I know I'll never get back to the 109 or less pounds I was back in college. I know that. At this point I'd be happy with just 199. 150 would be wonderful. 144 is healthy for my height. My "goal" on all my tickers has always been 121 pounds - because my heaviest weight ever was 242 pounds, and that would be a 50% loss. But looks like I might be topping that 242 mark pretty soon if I can't turn things around.

[tracy33]

I know how you feel about wanting to eat all the time. And then wanting to be thin. When I was at my heaviest, and my husband worked all afternoon and all night, I would go to the grocery store and buy bags of chips and containers of ice cream and eat it all and hide all the evidence. I'd buy all kinds of junk. This was everyday. I couldn't control it.

Hey, good for you for only eating 10 cookies and putting the rest away!
I would've had at least one package down!

I honestly think it's your medication. That's just my opinion. I saw my life and my weight completely turn around once I swithced doctors and tried some new meds.