[Zygara]

Well. Hello. I'm a new member here, and I guess I just signed up for some answers. I figured Yahoo Answers or whatever other place to ask questions is not appropriate here. I feel a little silly asking, but I just want clear answers from people who at least know what they're talking about.

Well, I'm a 18 years old female, and have always been sensitive. Sensitive to rejection, sensitive to criticism, for as long as I can remember. However, I have found that in the last year or so, things have gotten more severe. I suffer from mood swings. Violent ones, that last from a few minutes, a few hours, sometimes a few days. Some weeks are better than others. Some weeks I am very unstable, where I am set off easily, very sensitive, and as a consequence have way more mood swings during the day. Other weeks I have no swings at all. Usually they are set off by something very small, which will set me off into a fit of rage, or feeling extremely upset. During the time feeling upset, I almost always feel suicidal. The thing is, it's not that I want to die, it's that I feel it's what I deserve. I feel like I am a worthless person. I feel that life will get worse, that I will be alone, I will die alone, etc. I just want to end it all before I endure a life of loneliness. In a way, I feel like it's my fate that I am alone, since I have always found it extremely difficult to make friends and form relationships with people.

I have these suicidal thoughts everyday, and for some reason, the image of how I would die is comforting to me. Yet I don't want to die, it's so confusing. I figured that suicidal thoughts is not normal in any way, let alone experiencing them on a daily basis. I guess that's one of the things motivating me to ask.

Now more about the mood swings. Well, the rage is intense. I start to feel my heart pounding, I start fidgeting, and I just let go. I smash up the things I own, scream at my family, start saying nonsensical things, start shouting at myself, words such as "you're useless" "you're pathetic" "you need to die" and then start hurting myself. The last time this happened, I smashed a mug, and used the broken pieces to self harm. I feel like my mind is in a blur while this happens, that I am not thinking, I just do it. I have gotten physically violent towards family members during these rages, not thinking about the consequences of hurting them. Of course, when I have calmed down, I regret it. Seeing the things I owned smashed up, seeing the cuts on my arm which I will now have to hide from peers at school. Also, I forgot to mention, these rages are set off by very minor things.

Well, that's enough about the rages. How about on a normal day. Well on a normal day, when I am in a neutral mood, I always have this intense boredom, I want to do something, but I know I will get bored of it. This boredom can get so intense where it sometimes crosses me to go into a depressed mood. This boredom is frequent.

To make things clear, this happens all the time, so I don't think PMS could be the reason for this. Also this has been going on consistently for about a year. This post is not for sympathy, or attention seeking, I just want to know if this is normal, or whether these are symptoms of something and whether I should seek help for the things described above. Thank you for your time reading this. Have a good day.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, Zygara, and welcome to Psych Central! I am not a mental-health professional, but I think your reactions are more than normal. I suggest you see a therapist to talk about what's happening. Okay?

[Yoda]

I agree it is time to talk to a therapist.

[VMblue]

Welcome Zygara. I agree it is time to talk to somebody. If you are not comfortable with going to a therapist, I would suggest a trusted gp. What I also found helped is to write everything down before hand, like you did here, and then hand them the letter. Going for the first time can be nerve wrecking and for me that really helped. Good luck and I hope you find the help you deserve soon.

[Sinking Feeling]

Most definitely talk to a therapist! It could be nothing, or it could be some thing, but either way there is help. It'd very difficult to distinguish the difference between mood disorders and personality disorder. Even doctors have trouble with that too! It could also be some thing much easier to take care of. Your smart enough too see some thing is going on, now follow up on your hunch!

[pegasus]

Hello Zygara, welcome to Psych Central.

It's not that you want to die, it's that you want a solution to this. Please go and seek help, go and see your GP. Get the help you need.