[tl92]

I have a great son! He's a good kid, 19 now. He is living at home, usually does what I ask of him but just recently, I had asked him to mow the yard while I was running errands. Didn't get back til after dark so didn't feel the need to 'check'. I asked him if he mowed. He said he did and even put the lawn mower away. I was thrilled until I took the dogs out only to find out that he didn't mow the yard and only put the lawn mower away.
Ugh! What gives?? Why did he lie? I am not sure of the best approach with this. I feel betrayed, frustrated... I have suspended his phone - he has no job at present - is actively looking but we pay his expenses. Any suggestions on what type of 'talk' I should give him?
I am not putting him out. That is not a solution. Hopefully a common sense approach. Thanks for advice! I hope I can resolve this soon.

[CANDC]

Why not ask why he did that. Punishment is not always the best way. Maybe he can earn something by doing a good job on the lawn. Positive reinforcement.
Maybe there are things he is better at.
If he is not alert, mowing can be dangerous too.
WHat other chores might he be good at?
Maybe he would do better working on a team project. Working with someone is easier than being self directed.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, tl92. I am thinking he knew he would likely be fussed at if he admitted he didn't mow, and he was trying to put it off. Surely he knew you would notice at some point.

I suggest you tell him what you told us. Maybe say something like, "Son, I feel betrayed and frustrated because you didn't tell me the truth about the yard. First of all, I am wondering why you didn't mow it after I asked you to, and second, I am wondering why you told me you did mow it when you didn't."

Then see what he says. Perhaps a talk about his now being an adult and having adult responsiblities, and needing to pitch in as part of the family team. After all, he is getting room and board for free. And everybody needing to treat each other as adults. But lying is more of a young person's behavior.....

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by tl92

I have a great son! He's a good kid, 19 now. He is living at home, usually does what I ask of him but just recently, I had asked him to mow the yard while I was running errands. Didn't get back til after dark so didn't feel the need to 'check'. I asked him if he mowed. He said he did and even put the lawn mower away. I was thrilled until I took the dogs out only to find out that he didn't mow the yard and only put the lawn mower away.
Ugh! What gives?? Why did he lie? I am not sure of the best approach with this. I feel betrayed, frustrated... I have suspended his phone - he has no job at present - is actively looking but we pay his expenses. Any suggestions on what type of 'talk' I should give him?
I am not putting him out. That is not a solution. Hopefully a common sense approach. Thanks for advice! I hope I can resolve this soon.

THANK YOU for saying you are not putting him out. i find it disgusting and horrible when parents do that to their children. i think the phone suspension was a bit harsh for not mowing the lawn. a one time thing, as you said. dont get angry either. theres no point. especially since it was a one time thing. he just spend all his life going to school, lol. (if he graduated). give him a break. he deserves a break. then when the time is right he should get to a college and/or get a decent job. i honestly wouldnt be hard on him at all ***right now***

[Heather Unbalanced]

its its just the lying that gets to you, then make it clear that he can be honest with you if he didnt do what you asked. make him feel comfortable telling you things like that. how to do that? dont get angry. dont guilt trip him. hell never tell you anything then, lol. im not saying to be a pushover at all. there is just a line that has to be found between being on top of things and being strict. hes 19. he doesnt need strict from the description you gave. just say that youre tired; you work, you run around and do things. and you need him to help where he can also.

[Hellion]

Well for one once someone reaches the age of 18 they are legally an adult, so continuing to treat them like a 'child' usually is not something that goes over so well and I don't think its really healthy for them. Hence the reason I tend to dislike the term 'adult child' I think a better term for an adult who still lives at home and is not yet self sufficient like having a job and stuff...would be a jobless adult living at home the 'adult child' term just seems a little degrading but then I am in such a situation some could describe me with that so it irritates me.

Now if you are paying the phone and have trouble affording it or would like him to start paying it would make sense to 'cut it off' however trying to do it as punishment probably will not have any desired effect...not to mention it is very hard to get a job if you do not have an active phone, home phones are becoming obsolete....but when he finds a job there would be no reason for you to pay his phone, if he then thinks the bill is too high to pay himself he can always go get himself a cheaper phone, they have pay as you go phones with low rates which I always use.

I mean is this the only instance of this sort of thing recently? And did you ask him why he didn't mow and lie about it? I mean I am 25 and live at home so sometimes my mom wants me to do things to help around the house and sometimes I have forgotten something here or there but...then I do it when she mentions it...so not sure what would drive someone in that sort of situation to lie about having done it but simply not do it. But then my mom also respects that even though I live at home, am on SSI and not working due to mental issues I am still an adult. So of course if she asks me to do stuff its not like 'hey child do this chore because you still live at home so therefore will be treated like you're no older than 15' Its 'hey you are an adult who lives here to so you need to contribute some around the house' which I can respect.