[Questionmarkz]

Hello I have been wondering for awhile if I have a personality disorder such as bpd or if I'm just a normal teenager I don't know.
I'm a 17 year old female, I was molested by a classmate when I was in 2nd grade leading to a strong curiosity and confusion in sexual behavior. Around 3rd grade to 5th grade I would view porn at a very young age. When my parents caught me they basically traumatized me shaming for doing this when it really wasn't my fault I was curious. Anyways my entire life I have had anger issues, and have had OCD problems and was diagnosed with trichitolamania around the same time which is a disorder were you pull your own hair out. For about 3 Yeats I had no eyelashes nor eyebrows because I would pull them out. I was "boy crazy" for basically all my life and would sexually manipulate guys and try and keep control of the relationships with them to avoid being left or hurt. I would also cause problems with my family and friends by wrecking havoc or creating unnesscary drama. My parents were embarrassed by me and would try and get me to stop this behavior. When I hit 15-16 I started to develop irregular eating habits and expectations. I would starve myself for a couple days eating around 500 cal than I would binge 1000-3000 calories at a time. I started to hate myself because I couldn't get the unrealistic body goals I craved for. Everyday it's on my mind 24/7 and I am obsessed with how I look and what I eat. Sometimes u won't go out after a binge or if I look ugly from being fat. I just recently was able to hold a relationship for 4 months. I recently broke up with him and then got together. In our relationship I go from absolutely adoring him and wanting to be around him 24/7 to absolutely hating him and wanting to break up. I have broke up with him 2 times and both times I come back in scrambles. He suffers from anxiety and it's impossibly for me to even feel an ounce of empathy and I feel so over whelmed from my own thoughts that I can't even fathom somebody else's problems. In school it's impossible for me to focus and I zone out to cope from the stress that I'm not smart and that trying to listen would just cause me more problems. I find myself zoning out a lot in school, with my boyfriend, our with friends. I currently have blue hair and I often change my appearance every 2-3 months drastically. My goals change rapidly from things such as I'm going to college to own a business to **** college I want to become a famous rapper. I'll hate myself than be absolutely love myself. I started to cut my wrists when I couldn't handle daily life to try and release "the demons" I have thought about and researched suicide often. Sometime ranging from wanting to die for a full week to mild thoughts once or twice a day. I tell myself that It would be easier to die than to suffer being fat and so unsorted in the brain.
Also I binge drink to oblivion, if someone offered me heroin I would do it. I have taken countless drugs that I could not even recall on a spur of the moment. I quickly blow all of my money on lavish shopping sprees. I thought I was bipolar for a long time because I would go from with being absolutely pissed and beyond irritated to laughing and what not in a matter of 30 minutes. I get annoyed and overly mad over small things and have gotten into violent confrontations with my parents.

I really just want to learn how to cope with this whether or not it's borderline or something else. I am tired of feeling out of control and I'm tired of feeling this way towards life. I am worried that I will give up one day and end it all. If somebody has experience with this type of thing so you think I have borderline? Something else? If so what's my next step in preventing the worst.
Thanks so much.

[pegasus]

Hello Questionmarkz, welcome to Psych Central.

We can't diagnose here but it does sound like you have been through a lot of trauma and you are aware you have some mental health issues. You might like to try these online tests that can give you a better idea of what is going on. Psychological Tests and Quizzes and The Sanity Score - Test Your Mental Wellness You can then print out the results and show them to your doctor. Please go and see your doctor, it sounds like you could do with medication and therapy.

[SnakeCharmer]

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time. It would probably be good to tell your parents that you think you may be having some emotional troubles beyond OCD and pulling out your hair. You've described what sounds very much like an eating disorder and maybe you do have other mental health issues, like BPD or NPD. You sound very self-aware and that's a plus for you because it means you can describe how you think, feel and act to a therapist. That can aid diagnosis.

Maybe your parents will help you see a psychologist or psychotherapist. I wish you the best.