[William93]

Since around hi school I've always had a consistent low self-esteem and problems with how everyone viewed me, but I've always laughed and had friends who absolutely I enjoy. I don’t really respond well to critics about the way I look and I typically can’t handle being the butt of the joke. If someone were to make fun of me publicly I’d immediately get anxious and embarrassed and become too slowly dislike that person and avoid any future comments.

But with my cheery attitude I managed to get girls interested in me but as soon as I was in a relationship with them I slowly started letting myself get too attached and controlling because of my low self-esteem. The relationships I’ve had never last long and they always end because I become extremely obsessed and dependant to the point where the bridge burns. All the while I don’t see how needy I was and I can often chase for ages until it’s to a point where I realise how far I’d gone. This result in a loss of friends and her mates find out and think of me bad and it seems to be a repeated cycle I can’t break. From this my low self-esteem then shatters.

During these times of infatuation I’d usually spend less time with mates because I am to busy with own needs and I don’t see that I am actually hurting my friends as well. When they ask me how my relationships are going I will typically say its good and lie about it so that my mates still think good of me. Whereas if I were truthful to them that my relationships are completely one sided and the girls dump me I try and hide that fact because of my low self-esteem.

Having thought I’d learnt my way, another girl became interested me, this time a work situation after years I thought I’d never get into a relationship again as they don’t go well for me. But I regrettably hooked up with this woman to because she fed my self-esteem and it was great until the next day I got clingy I’d lose sight of my job my friends and nothing else mattered but her , this led to my downfall. I texted her obsessively and she’d lead me on and I’d reply, I eventually got so desperate in these texts that she started reading them to friends around the workplace. Working in this situation was awkward and my productivity levels dropped inexcusably. I was at the point where I could be constantly avoiding eye contact and not being able to focus on my work and only think of how everyone she showed texts was going to think about me. This was the point where I eventually overacted to the situation out of fear of shame, I started turning up late, and missing certain days and my thinking was so irrational that I wasted the time of other co-workers. She eventually left the job and I was still feeling shameful for reacting the way I did.
One more girl who’ shown previous interest seems to creep in to my life at work begins to text me and leads on as the other woman did, being in such an emotional state I gladly went along with it and eventually hooked up with her, she became the object of my affection and we hooked up several times outside of work. By the time work came I was still under scrutiny and could hardly look people in the eye and the girl I was hooking up with seemed to pay me no attention at work, this made me even more emotional and affected my work even greatly to the point where I knew I was no longer benefitting the job with thinking critically and having to rely on others for simple tasks that don’t take much focus.

I ended up qutting the job impulsively possibly burning a potentially good employment opportunity because I knew I was starting to become a hinderance to the team and I could not stop obsessing over the unrequited love she was exhibiting. This was such a cowardly pathetic show of a 22 year old man.

[pegasus]

Hello William93, welcome to Psych Central.

You sound very down on yourself, you are human! So, it sounds to me that you have some real self-esteem issues going on here. Reading you here, you are looking for others approval all the time, from the women you've had relationships with and all the by-standers. It would be good for you to see a therapist and do some work on yourself and you'll realise you don't need the approval from anyone else. It might also be a good idea to have a go at these online tests as they give you an idea of what is going with you >>>>> The Sanity Score - Test Your Mental Wellness and Psychological Tests and Quizzes you can then print these off if you want to and show the results to your doctor. It could be that there is some anxiety and/or depression too which would certainly make you feel you're not good enough to stay in your job. Your doctor is the one to see about getting a diagnosis. In the meantime please feel free to talk some more on the forums as it is helpful to share with others that understand.