[BrokenSeraph]

I got this habit of

Possible trigger:

tearing up my fingernails and the skin around it.

Usually when I'am pressured, watching movies or just reading books. I got occasional thoughts of running away at the age of 4 or 5 and suicide too. At nights I suffer from insomnia. I usually get more depressed this time and more paranoid.

The issue with my parents and family is that, I love them but I get

Possible trigger:

sadistic thoughts of hurting them

leaving them etc. They love me, I love them, I just don't get myself why I want to be free of them. I need them but there is a part of me that doesn't. I HATE that thought!

Since last year, I kept self diagnosing myself of depression, anxiety, bipolar, add, even DID.

I keep searching for ways to understand myself and I got people that loves me and yet, I kept sinking to the abyss. I don't know why but there is a well inside my heart that is black and empty.

I'm sorry, I don't know wy I'm like this.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. Have you tried to get a professional diagnosis? It might help you in finding ways to deal with your pain and anxiety. I don't know that we ever really know why we are the way that we are. It's just that we need to find out what we can do about it.