[martinerous]

Hi all!
I’m new here and I’m looking for advice how to improve my life. At first, I’m from the Northern Europe, so excuse me for language mistakes. I’ll try to be as short as possible to tell my entire life in some sentences, but in case I miss some important details, feel free to ask.
I’m 35 years old guy.
Let’s start with the facts which I cannot change. I have impaired vision since birth; my diagnosis is congenital nystagmus with side effects – astigmatism and nearsightedness. I am legally and officially registered as a person with disability. I managed to get master’s degree at computer science and now I’m programmer for almost 10 years already. But I won’t be able to drive a car and I feel really uncomfortable in new environments or big cities etc. I have also some digestion issues and as the result, I’m just 175cm high (which is somewhat below average in my country) and I seem to be unable to gain muscle mass, I look like a teenager despite the fact that I grew up in a rural village and I had to work hard often. And in addition, currently I’m getting bald, my hear is disappearing from the frontal part of my head.
Currently I don’t like many things about myself and I would like to change that:
- too low confidence in one areas and overly high in other areas. For example, I could talk about philosophy, sci-fi, programming for hours and I feel strong about these topics but I feel completely helpless and miserable in everyday life, especially dealing with career and relationships. I feel confident only if there is no risk of doing something wrong or if I have a detailed plan of actions. I’m patient and I have good imagination, I can invent new solutions to some problems, but only if I have instructions to combine and if I have no time limits to solve the task. I almost never take initiative; I always follow what others say. If I’m given options, I mostly leave the choice to others, unless the choice affects areas of my confidence – then I try to pick the choice which seems the safest one and involves less physical communication with other people. I’m ok with talking through e-mails or chat, but I try to avoid physical contact. One reason might be that I’m physically unable to keep eye contact and I’m afraid that the other person might misunderstand me, but I don’t want to tell every stranger that I’m visually impaired.
- stability problems with self esteem. Sometimes I feel like genius, and other times I feel like totally unworthy to live on the Earth. I’d like to always feel somewhere in between those two extremes.
- sexual and romantic issues. I’m not sure if this can be changed, though, but who knows. I feel sexual attraction so rarely that I could call myself asexual, but there is just one exception. I feel attraction to men who are at least 50 years old and who have some certain features. It’s hard to describe. It is completely not about muscle, no, it could be someone with overweight but he must have some special combination of physical and behavior features, and only then I feel sexual arousal. In my life, I have seen only about 50 such people in my life, and most of them on TV or movies, but I have never had sex, so I’m not sure, what would happen. Considering, that I myself look like a soon-to-be-bald teenager, I doubt that there is a high chance to find someone at 50s who would be sexually attracted to me. But who knows, the world is full of surprises… Also, I don’t like being touched by anyone. Kisses for me feel too wet; I always want to clean myself up when nobody sees. I’m somewhat ok with hugging, but still it makes me feel uncomfortable – I then think “Oh, but what if I’m stinking and the other person doesn’t like that…”
- I tend to get offended for everything, I take everything too personally. I never let may anger out, though. My hands start shaking, I feel I’m going to explode, but still I stay calm because I’m afraid if I let my feelings out, I might seriously hurt somebody. And after the situation is over, I will remember it for years and years and replay it in my dreams, kicking everyone’s *** or feeling totally helpless, like a little child in big angry world.
- I’m workaholic. I cannot say “no” to anyone, I try to please everyone as much as I can, working also on holidays. I feel addicted to solving other people’s problems, especially computer related. Yes, I’m addicted to the Internet, but I don’t play games, they are boring. I talk to people from various countries about various topics. Only on the Internet I feel free and safe and I don’t take insults as deeply as in real life.

I did some self analysis to find out what were the most important factors in my childhood which have led me to my current situation. Here’s what I found:
- I live in a country where people are emotionally reserved. The situation was even worse for my parents, they didn’t get married because of love or romance, they just were recommended to each other by their parents, and so they got together and got three kids, me being the youngest and the most problematic one. Parents were generally not bad; they supported me as much as they could, both financially and otherwise. But they never ever made me aware that they loved me just as I am. The word “love” was meant only for romantic relationship, but in our family our sweet words were “you are a good boy”, “you are the best granny in the world”, “he’s really smart; he gets good marks at school”. Yes, I was a good kid and learned as much as I could. But only recently I found out that there was one thing I missed – unconditional love and physical contact, hugging etc. Actually it was not that bad, I hugged my “the best granny in the world” often and we had much fun together while my parents were busy at work. But still, I’m so confused… Nevertheless, my elder brother and sister were able to live their lives; they both have their families and kids and are pretty successful. My brother is showing much more emotional and physical love to his kids than our father did, so I guess the brother was able somehow to regain that ability despite that he lacked that in the childhood.
- my dad was having alcohol issues and my mom was often angry with him. All of that experience also deeply affected me. I remember that I used to take my toy people figures and play some fantasy stories where a boy has lost his parents and then one day finds them. And his dad is so strong and wise and good and loving man. Maybe even too much. I highly suspect that this is where my strange sexual attraction is coming from, but again I’m confused about this.

- at school I got bullied often, and that left deep emotional scars. Lots of helplessness and despair. And I did not tell about it to anyone. I even don’t know, why I decided to keep it in me. Maybe that’s what good boys do. Or maybe I felt too embarrassed.

As the result of all the above, it seems I now tend to please everyone with a hope to find unconditional love from someone, but all I get is gratitude, praise or even admiration for some of my achievements. I got the praise as the best student in my college, and this year I was nominated the programmer of the year. My ego feels so good and proud about it. But subconsciously I feel miserable, I would be glad to give this all away to be able to have normal romantic relationship, real unconditional love, wife, kids… I even doubt that I can love someone the way I myself want to be loved.
I have talked to two psychologists here in my country, but both of them could not help me a lot. They just tried to convince me that I have wrong assumptions about this and that, but I consciously already knew all of that. The problem is that I cannot make my subconscious part to stop reacting the way it does. With my mind I know that I should not take every insult by every hooligan so deeply personally because it’s not targeted at me personally – anyone could be there. But still my subconscious part feels deep injustice every time. I get angry not at this person specifically but at the entire world. It’s like an avalanche of all of my past mistakes and insults is rushing over me and I scream inside: “Why, oh, why; I’m a good person, I help everybody as much as I can but still the world hates me…”

So, my question is – what should I do? Where do I even start to fix my life? I don’t even know what I want because all my previous dreams about becoming adult, responsible and loving husband and father seem to be crushed. If this is not the path for me, then what is?

[pegasus]

Hello martinerous, welcome to Psych Central.

You have some very positive things going for you, programmer of the year, that is a massive achievement. But still you feel an underlying unease and unhappiness. You have good insight to realise this has come from your past parenting and bullying from school and the disabilities you have had to cope with. It sounds to me like you have low self-esteem and depression because of what you have been through. You say you have spoken to two psychologists but you do not say how long you had therapy for. Good therapy can help your self-esteem and talk through your feelings. I would suggest seeking out a therapist and find a good fit, sometimes it can take a couple of tries to find the right one for you.

[Thunder Bow]

I think you would enjoy talking to a Professional.

[BettyinBarrie]

Hi martineous - You may be lacking in height and hair but I would say you have lots of intelligence and insight. I would suggest you read Karen Horney's book "Our Inner Conflicts" which has served as my bible for many many years. I think she would say you need to keep searching for a very good and very bright therapist to help you work through your feelings. I think you will get through this but it takes a long time. Make and take the time - it is worth it.
Betty

[martinerous]

Hi all.

Sorry for late reply.

Thank you for your support and kind words.

I found the book "Our Inner Conflicts" and started reading it. It's great, written in highly professional style but still easy to read and understand. I expect to find lots of insights for me.

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry that the psychologists weren't of much help to you.

I always say, for myself, personally, that if something is worthwhile doing and it serves in my own mental health's best interest, then that is what I should be doing. If there is something that I am doing that doesn't serve me well in the long run, then I shouldn't be doing it.