[yelllow]

(don't know where to post it, hope this is the right place)

Hello! I’m Andreea, I’m a 19 year-old girl and this is my not-so-happy story. Hope I would get some advice from you guys.

I have always been an overly sensitive girl. I used to cry a lot when I was in kindergarten, apparently without a reason. Okay, maybe there are people who claim that is normal for a small child to cry when he’s little, but that’s not the point.
So, in order to understand what I’m trying to emphasize, I have to get you through all my life. Sorry for the long post and my mistakes – English is not my native language. I hope someone would bother to help me.

THE KINDERGARTEN PERIOD

I have always been an overly sensitive girl and those words still describes me the best. I would start crying from everything and when I was little, this was a major problem for my family – especially my mother because she felt responsable for this trait because I inherited it from her. She was overly sensitive and impulsive too, but she learnt how to cope with it. At least this is what I see when I look at her – keep in mind we don’t have a close relationship, so we don’t talk about our problems at all. Anyway, I would start crying from everything, especially when my parents would leave me at kindergarten. For me, it had been a hard time. I would not see my mother until 8 p.m. and my father would deliberately forget to take me home. I was always the last child left over program and the assistants were forced to take me home – fortunately, I live nearby. I can say he was not a constant presence in my early life.

I had no idea why my mother requested me to keep evidence regarding the hours he would get home. I thought there was something wrong, but I had never taken in consideration the fact that he was not loyal. You know… you think your parents are the best…

A few years ago I found why he used "to forget" to take home his own children (I have twin sisters, but they were little so they don’t remember being „abandonated”) – he had an affair. Actually, more affairs. My mother found out and reproached it when they we’re arguing. Unfortunately, I was in the same room and heard every single detail. I was totally devasteated. Since then, I show cautiosness when it comes about men.

THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL (I – IV)

So, the first memory that comes to my mind is me crying everytime I would be annoyed by anything – usually stupid things like not being able to sing (I’m aphonous and was the only child that couldn't sing a stupid song) or write correctly a word. My teacher tried to make me see the good parts – for example, my artistic talent – but I was worried about the things I couldn’t do. My homework would be a total mess because there was no parents to help me – my mother would get home tired after 8 p.m. and my father would come usually drunk enough to fall asleep immediately… and I had to take care of my younger sisters too. It was hard, but I managed to get over it.

THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL (V – VIII)

I would start to eat a lot, get a little puffy (I have never been obese, just a little overweight), feel miserable… My father told me that no one would ever want me if I were fat. I started to play handball in order to maintain my weight...

Anyway, the main idea of this period: I was bullied by a classmate (H.) four years in a row. I’m not exaggerating, that classmate (H.) brought out the worst in me (see the high school period). I started to cry again like in the kindergarten period, sometimes twice a day, at school and then at home. He made me feel like the worst person in the entire class. I had a sweating problem – I still have it, don’t know the reasons (see the highschool period, again ) and I'd sweat even though it was cold outside. That classmate started a rumor (that I didn’t wash) and stuff like that. Everybody heard about that problem, including my teachers and the bullying started. I had no support, I was afraid to tell my parents about that problem. They were busy with their argument, work, my father’s problem…

I became depressive, started wearing black clothes (so that no one was able to see the sweat stains under my arms). My classmate launched another rumor – that I was satanist. That one didn’t last like the first rumor. I was ashamed and afraid to socialize so I practically ran away from everyone. I became paranoid – everyone that was laughing when I was present would automatically laugh about me… at least, that’s what I was thinking at the moment.
The rest of my classmates started bullying me too. It is fun to make someone feel miserable and unworthy, right? A few of them used to leave me a bar of soap on my desk or in my schoolbag… At that point I could barely resist the urge to kill myself. And my parents had no idea about what I was getting through because I was ashamed they would think I’m a weak person…

Inside of me, there was pain, anger, rage… and one day, that amalgam of feelings took control of me. I hurt the classmate responsable for that stupid rumor – I still regret I was not able to make him feel at least half of my pain. It was awful, but that period passed somehow.

My parents found out about it in VIII grade, after the rest of my classmates brought the first bar of soap. I was afraid that they would start the same routine like H. so I told them about the entire problem. My father got so angry that he hurt H. when they finally met and warn his father. Of course, the bullying didn't stop until the last day of school.

It was my last year, so I decided to support until the end. I consider myself a fighter, even though I still have awful nightmares regarding that period. I still cry… it still hurts so much when I think about that.

+ my sisters attended the same school and I lived in the constant nightmare that everything that went through would fall upon them. Fortunately, they are both stronger than me.
+ I quit handball because I was scared my playmates would find out about my school problems.
+ I did the same with my friends - avoiding them so that I wasn't force to live again the same nightmare.

HIGHSCHOOL PERIOD (IX – XII)

So, during the summer between VIII and IX grade, I was worried about my reputation. I began to imagine different scenarios about my future. I would always find myself crying until sleep. I made plans – be social from the beginng, let them know you are happy and so on… There was no other way to “survive”, in my opinion.

So, there is me on the first day of school, socializing with everybody, making jokes, trying not to act awkwardly... and it worked. I really thought I could manage to get over the last four years and become a better person. I have never been so wrong in my entire life.

Socializing was way too weary for me, so I would find myself craving for silence, peace and a room where I could be alone, meditating. And I couldn’t get what I wanted. My mother actually forced me to socialize, attend different activities, hang out with my classmates. I think she really wanted me to be a sociable person and have lots of friends even though I was not psychically ready. I strongly believe that forcing to be what people wanted me to be has been a wrong move because I somehow managed to teach myself unconsciously to act differently, depending on the situation. At home I was / am the sensitive person and at school (in society) I was / am the sociable „gladiator”.
I began to act weirdly. I started to have these high functioning moments where I could stand anything, at anytime and these low moments where I would find myself lying in the bed, saturated by everything. At first, no one thought there was something wrong – including me – until XI grade, when these phases began to mix. I practically lost the control over my feelings, the way I was acting and started to remove my classmates. When there was something bothering me, I would scream, speak rudely, be verbally abusive, have awful periods of rage, mild mood swings (I was even called bipolar by a classmate but I like to think it was a joke), impulsive moments and impossible high expectations from others. They all began to avoid me. Deep in my heart, I knew I was acting wrongly. I only wanted them to see that I had been hurt, that I need support and understanding. I couldn’t control myself. I realized it was hard to recognize myself. I had two nervous breakdowns – crying, trembling, swearing, sweating, pushing anyone away and then desperately trying to get them back.
Fortunately, I was blessed with wonderful classmates that managed to fullfill the black hole in my soul and I love them for that. Taking the whole highschool period in consideration, they really tried to make me feel wanted and I’m deeply thankful for that.

NOW & MY PROBLEMS

The sweating problem is still present. I have done some analyzes. There is a hormonal imbalance (progesterone is twice higher than normal) but doctors concluded that there is a nerve-based problem. The more I think about sweating, the more I sweat and they say it’s all in my head. Of course, I’m displeased with the diagnosis. I can’t help myself but wonder if there is any way to get rid of this major problem – because I consider it a major problem.
...
I went to the school psychologist and I scored 20/24 on a neuroticism-impulsiveness test, mood swing test and she let me know I have this inclination to have ridiculous high expectations from people and get angry at them because, for me, there is no middle way (they are right or they are wrong). Also, I scored low on a test about self-esteem which was expected by her.
...
What it also bothers me is the tendency to get obsessed with people. I fall in love with a guy, want to meet him and when I finally get to know him, I suddenly hate him and think he’s the worst person alive. When these feelings pass, I start feeling miserable, want him back – even though he has never been mine at all. I even stalk him for a while. At the moment, I am overly obsessed with a guy. Actually, I have been dreaming about him for almost three years. I have never had a relationship and I’m scared to initiate something that may turn into a close approach between me and a guy, even though I crave it. It’s an impossible situation for me!
...
Furthermore, I have these moments when I feel nothing, or want to cry (but I’m not able to). One day, I was trying to learn and I was standing in my bed with the book, when this feeling of emptiness got me. It felt like dreaming. When I finally „open” my eyes

Possible trigger:

I was holding a screwdriver (my father had used it before my unusual "trip") in my hand and had ugly scratches on my left arm. And I wasn’t able to recall a single memory of the period between standing in bed and waking up with the screwdriver.

It disturbed me a little (more). I don't practice self-harming.

Finally, this is my story and what it bothers me. I really want to know if there is something on the internet that can help me be a better person.

How do I get rid of the emptiness feeling?

How do I get rid of the bad memories from my school period?

And how do I get rid of my problems in order to become a pleasant person?

Any insight is useful and thank you for reading this post. It means a lot.

[Thunder Bow]

You will do well in Therapy. Thus I recommend you find a Therapist to work on the above with. There is no quick fix or magic answers for what you wrote about here. You write English better than I do. You write very well. Feelings change slowly over time. Bad memories will always be with you, but therapy will help you understand them, so that they will not hurt as much.

[Crazy Hitch]

I have what I personally call significant "events" or "periods" in my life that kind of go through a timeline too.

Alot of what you have said is deeply routed and I think that counseling will stand you in good stead as you begin to work through and process these events. The bad memories and empty feelings will begin to disappate as you work towards achieving a sense of comfort within yourself and recognise the value of your worth and how meaningful you are.

[avlady]

don't give up-see your doc and t and talk it out, you may have some type of condition concerning the sweating too.keep posting here too i know it helps greatly

[yelllow]

I have taken in consideration seeing a therapist before but I lack time and money. Anyway, I will try my best, I promise!
Hope you are all doing great and thanks for the warm replies!

[shrekislovepepememe]

First, I would like to say, wow you are beautiful. Secondly, you are a graet English speaker. You speak English better than most Native English speakers and I appreciate that. You aren't "overlysensitive" at all. You are just human. We all feel bad things all of the time, but you are just different because you react to those feelings physically. That's not a bad thing. And bullying is a terrible thing to have to suffer, especially as a teen. I think that you just need to confront your father. He is probably the source of your sadness. Politely confront him, of course. Ask him about things he did. Things you were upset by, bad things he did and said. And then, no matter what he says, tell him very calmly that you forgive him. I'm no therapist. But I know what deep rooted problems are like. When it comes to the high school bullying, you must never feel as though those were easy times. Find strength in them. You went through alot and now you are here, and wonderful.

I hope you visit the forums often...we can't substitute for actual therapy but there is a lot of support here.