Mental Illness and Upbrining

I believe change occurs in what appears to be random (because our mental state and our environments are by large random because of their complexity to be quantified), and the best we can do is to keep trying for the possibility of change. I know it is easy to say hard to do, I have difficulty doing this myself, but we should never give in.

No parent can do this unless they have a God complex and think they are doing it. Every parent is going to feel and express the range of emotions and/or make mistakes. Because someone is angry and we're scared of their anger does not make the anger "wrong" or bad. Individual development means we have to learn our own lessons and the takeaway is going to be unique to us. Children do not understand a lot of what happens rightly due to their lack of experience or knowledge and that they may be negatively affected by it is not a parents', or anyone's, "fault".

The best parents can do is listen to and get to know their children as individuals. But who the individual grows up to become is largely dependent on the individual. Parents do no know everything and what is lacking in their understanding they cannot help teach to a child. If I decide my life is ruined because my parents wouldn't let me take flute in 6th grade (one of my younger selves beefs :-) that's on me, not my poor parents who did not have the money to afford for me to take flute in 6th grade. I believe it is an individual's responsibility to get what they can while they are growing up with their parents and then figure out and expand on what they want/need as they are on their own/leave their parents' orbit. What we do is always a choice; the child who runs away from home or the child who refuses to leave the house/go to school. They "could" do whatever but find one easier or more comfortable. That is not "bad" but it is a choice. "Feel the fear and do it anyway" is possible for everyone, it is a choice. For some it is harder than for others and/or more confusing and angst-ridden but that's pretty much why I decided to go to therapy for nearly 30 years; I saw that I had problems, difficulties, and shortfalls in my life and chose to do that something about/with them.

I haven't claimed that parents should be God-like people absolutely. However, parents can apologize, can compensate for their misdeeds to their children. I agree that children don't understand much in life, but this doesn't justify violence with them. Being loving and understanding is much more effective in teaching lessons than yelling on or ignoring the child thirst to talk and to know.

i never suggested that change was easy. if it were easy, everyone would change!
but its up to the individual if they want to try to change, even though it may be hard...

epigenetic research shows that genes can change, at least, how they are expressed can change... the brain can change (brain plasticity)... how we view our childhoods and whether or not we use it to never try to improve... that all can change.

there have been tremendous stories of people overcoming horrific obstacles.

but this whole thread started based on the parents need for guilt. what about the childs need for forgiveness?

as long as we focus on how they should suffer, we will never move on...

The thread is more for us to be alert when we become parents or if we are already parents on how to deal with our children. If the parents feel they did OK and they don't feel guilty, we cannot do anything about it. It doesn't make sense to make our parents feel guilty only, and we don't try to be better for ourselves and for the people around us. Some posts focused on parents feeling guilty, but others focused on how we choose to change to be better and it is our choice eventually.

In case anyone was as curious as I, Beth is now a RN. She went through attachment therapy for a long time and it worked. She is now a caring gentle person

Good for her. Wish all people were lucky as her.

It isn't all about luck, we have choice in how much we commit to change. Obviously, she committed.

I don't mean to sound critical it is just that there has been nothing more enabling in my life than believing or being taught that I have no choice or responsibility in how I move forward.

The old saying, you aren't responsible for what happened to you but you are responsible for how to deal with it now.

Everything plays a role in our lives. Our choice, our environments, our parents, ... etc. We are not single cell bacteria. Our brain is the most complex organ the Universe has produced as far as we know. Beth was lucky because her adopting parents cared about her and gave her to special care to be healed. Not all kids are privileged like her. She was so young to choose to change at the time. She could have changed later by herself, but this is a hypothetical situation.

She is one of the least privileged people out there...

How is that?