[eminence]

I’m gonna rant a bunch that you can skim through. Mostly the question is- should I seek therapy and if so, how can I do so under my parents’ nose? (seeing as they’d never believe me and even if they did, they’d possibly disown me or grow even more detached from me.)

So, lately I’ve been digging my nose in psychology and searching around, seeing as for a long, long time (since I was 13) I’ve had the sense that something was… off? It started as a sense and then got worse.
I’m pretty sure some of this has been documented on my vent blog "serii-k. tumblr . com / tagged/ vent "(remove the spaces) during these times where I've felt this way.

Lately I’ve experienced moments where I for seemingly no reason delve into a spiral of feeling like I’m at my worst- basically utmost depression, which can be so painful that I feel tortured by my own mind without knowing why. There’s also been other extremes- such as once being absolutely convinced I was having a heart attack and dying and calling emergency only to be told that it was all psychological and that my family would have to keep an eye on my mental state for the next week after that (which I didn’t tell them.) A weirder instance was one time I was home alone (the memory is sorta blurry to me) where I found myself feeling as if I was completely isolated (even if I really wasn’t) and doing nothing but.. idk, mope around ig? and, jesus this sounds so dumb, but laughed at myself for a while from what I remember
There’s also occassionally these weird sensations that have no physical signs. Such as the feeling that my chest is literally tightened on the inside with a band, or that I’m gradually dying amongst other physical sensations. About 99% of the time this isn’t true and doctors can’t find anything physically wrong with me.
There’s also been one or three times from what I can recall where I’ve been unable to sleep because my mind was overly active, i.e my thoughts felt full of background noise with no real connection and I could barely hear my own thinking which I seemingly couldn’t control.
Lately, a new thing has arisen where I’ll find it hard to focus due to my thoughts jumping back and forth and general “mental noise.”
Idk, my mind feels very cluttered, and well, sometimes it quiets down, and then suddenly it may swing into a state where if someone says to me in that moment, I may not remember or properly hear it, or if i'm talking in that state, I might forget what I was saying mid-sentence or mix sentences up.

The thing that worries me most is that from a genetical standpoint, my father's side only has 2 mentally "healthy" people (that still have a lot of issues though), most of which have paranoid schizophrenia, paranoia, anxiety disorder, etc. My mother's is mostly clean though, which is why I'm... somewhat skeptic of the chances of me being mentally screwed over? but idk.

I don’t know, I mean, now that I’ve written this down, I doubt it’s normal, but.. i dont know, any way I can know for sure? and hopefully have a word for what I’m experiencing and how to get help?

[fishin fool]

Obviously I am not a doctor but it sounds like you could be suffering with
anxiety or bipolar or maybe both.
You do need to see a pdoc and get some answers.

[otherg]

I've heard people describe anxiety attacks feeling like they're having a heart attack or dying.

[Yoda]

It does sound as though you have anxiety but it could be the anxiety would be resolved if you understood what exactly else is going on. We can't diagnose as we are not physicians.

Do you have a family doctor that you see who could advise you?

As for the anxiety I too have felt like a heart attack. In fact, I once went to the hospital thinking I was having just that.

As for getting help. I suspect the rules may be the same there. You can see a doctor without your parent's permission AND that doctor must keep everything confidential from your parents.

[reploidphoenix]

You are having anxiety attacks it seems. There is usually an underlying cause. Mine was caused by emotional abuse that made me feel worthless. In these feelings, i over worry and panic about everything.I have fears that are not very realistic or seem worse then they actually are. This anxiety doesn't take long before it dumps you into depression..and you hit bottom before you recognize ur going downhill. constant Stress is also known to cause memory loss, concentration, and insomnia. When i have these anxieties, i feel tightness in my chest, feel like i can't take full breaths. I experience racing heart-rate, dizziness, racing thoughts, inability to sleep. I feel jittery, shaky, sometimes dizzy. Sometimes i feel like i can't swallow, like my throat is swollen. I hope this helps..