[ncblueman]

I am have been through so much in the last 25 years it is not funny. If you pick any year from 1991-2016 I can tell you of something in any of those years that was happening and was destroying my life. Here are a few examples. Lost best friend ever to AIDS. Caring for my mom with Alzheimers. Mom passing in 2003. Homeless 3 times. Living in a motel room with crackheads to keep a roof over my head, and I never did the stuff not once, we all managed to get up and go to our same job. Being stabbed by a room mate I had 7 1/2 years over nothing. Also to have a roof living with my Aunt and her 3 homophobic sons. I managed to get out of there April 2014 and into this government assistance housing but I truly hate this building and so many gossipy people and too many rules. I need add the loss of my little dog last Sept. basically due to someone's extreme stupidity. The reason I do not go get another dog is cause of all those rules, nasty people in here the month before she died accused me of leaving waste on the grass and I did not. I want to be in a place where I can have a yard and not worry about that. I have this really awesome church I attend and they have a Bible study 3 blocks from me, 2 times a week but that is the only get out times each week and it's really not enough. I have tried relating all this to my pastor last week but I do not think he gets it. He did say he wanted to try and help on the housing meaning a place with a yard but he meant people renting their property as Section 8, but problem is I would need a voucher do not have one the list is closed has been 18 months and likely to not open for 2 more years and then the list is over 1,000 people long. I tried explaining this to the pastor and I don't think it sunk in. Now after all I explained above why did I say fear of death? On 4/16 I was at Bible Study and I said to a kind lady there who knew I was down about something I told her I am so afraid I will wind up dying in that building and it scares me. I come home and go check my mail at the boxes and see that my next door neighbor lady Robin passed away and worse yet age 52, and I am 55. She had lived in here 9 years and I know that no one really wants to live in this building 9 years. I am still all down about this and then Prince dies at age 57. The worst time for me is I go to bed and I usually try to get 8 hours, but yet almost every day for the last 2 weeks, I will wake up after 6 hours or less and try to get back to sleep and can't, I get wrapped up in all those thoughts to almost panic attack mode and this morning it almost felt like that heart attack thing. I get that fear what if I did have a dilemma like that, I realistically no joke could be dead here in this room for up to 3 days before anyone might think better check on him. I do not want to die yet, not suicidal. What baffles me is all that stuff at the top of the letter I managed pretty well to buck up, soldier on. I did have meds, and used them the worst times were living with crackheads and caring for mom. But I really have not had panic/anxiety attacks in years despite many troubles. Before anyone says you need your meds changed, boy that would be a whole procedure the place I go for the psychiatrist and meds is 20 miles away, that doctor is usually booked up like 2 months or more out, I can usually get a psych appt within a week. What I truly want other than, to not live alone anymore and a place with a yard is have happiness in my life, nothing to stress me like I have every year 1991-2016, you know be a sort of senior age 55 and live the rest of my years happy and not so depressed and worry about dying profoundly depressed. Yes, sorry people this is the real me, extremely long winded I had to release all this because I only really get to do this once a month at the psychiatrist and that is 55 minutes and next appointment is May 6th.

[Skeezyks]

Hello ncblueman: I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I'm in my mid 60's now... barreling on toward my later 60's! It seems like almost every day there is an article in the newspaper about some famous person (or formerly famous person) who has died. Many of them are my age... some younger! So I certainly know what you're saying about people your age dying. Every so often, I get unsolicited mail from funeral homes in my area. I wonder if they know something I don't!

Yes, I also know what you mean about living out your senior years happily. I sometimes imagine what it would be like to simply be content in my dotage. And, truth-be-told, I actually have no particular reason not to be able to do so. But my mental processes seem determined not to allow it. But then, from what I read in the newspaper about aging, I think the idea of growing old gracefully is probably more fantasy than reality for most of us. I suppose for a few people who have lots of money, energy & friends this may be reality. But for many of us it is beyond reach.

Anyway, I hope that somehow you will be able to figure out a way to have a more comfortable life. You've certainly had more than your share of trouble...

[Hairball]

In regards to your living situation have u checked into Habitat For Humanity?

[ncblueman]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello ncblueman: I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I'm in my mid 60's now... barreling on toward my later 60's! It seems like almost every day there is an article in the newspaper about some famous person (or formerly famous person) who has died. Many of them are my age... some younger! So I certainly know what you're saying about people your age dying. Every so often, I get unsolicited mail from funeral homes in my area. I wonder if they know something I don't!

Yes, I also know what you mean about living out your senior years happily. I sometimes imagine what it would be like to simply be content in my dotage. And, truth-be-told, I actually have no particular reason not to be able to do so. But my mental processes seem determined not to allow it. But then, from what I read in the newspaper about aging, I think the idea of growing old gracefully is probably more fantasy than reality for most of us. I suppose for a few people who have lots of money, energy & friends this may be reality. But for many of us it is beyond reach.

Anyway, I hope that somehow you will be able to figure out a way to have a more comfortable life. You've certainly had more than your share of trouble...

Thanks for this reply. I do not necessarily mean gracefully, I just want any form of happiness and not year after year of stress and troubles.

[ncblueman]

Originally Posted by Hairball

In regards to your living situation have u checked into Habitat For Humanity?

I could try calling them but I was always under the impression that HFH is mostly about placing families, you know wife, husband and kids in homes that HFH builds.

Thanks or suggesting this.

[Thunder Bow]

I am 69 and still going strong, seeing rock stars and famous people pass, shows I am stronger than them. They can have their money, fame, and drugs. All that does is end their life sooner than later.

[ncblueman]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

I am 69 and still going strong, seeing rock stars and famous people pass, shows I am stronger than them. They can have their money, fame, and drugs. All that does is end their life sooner than later.

Yeah I know. But for me I am obese I know my fault I am working on that this year. But I do not do any drugs or alcohol. The main thing is this being on my own and the loneliness. No friends.

[Thunder Bow]

It is good to have the courage to be on your own. Keep working with your doctor, you can heal, and you are stronger than you think.

i used to have a terrible fear of death (in particular missing out on the nice parts of life). breathing good clean air, listening to music, eating nice foods etc

i still have a fear (kind of) of dying suddenly with no explanation.

but my fear of death isn't as bad as it was.. i've come to the conclusion that fearing death isn't going to slow it down, it isn't going to prevent it- eventually it's going to happen to all of us, weather we want it to or not and i think life's too short to dwel on dying

[avlady]

i am so afraid to die too. for some reason it only affects me sometimes although. my mother just an hour ago called me and told me my father is taking her to the hospital for chest pains. i prayed for her. i think i sometimes worry about others dying, maybe then i can see it will happen to me too.

[fishin fool]

I used to have serious fear of dying.
Now I no longer do, I don't know why I just don't.
I think maybe because it's been a pretty tough life
and though I try to be a positive person, sometimes I grow very tired.