I am really so confused. Even as I am typing this I don’t really know what to say but I know I want to say something because I want answers. Answers to questions I don’t even know. I have a wonderful family and partner who has always been there for me and tried to understand me although sometimes I don’t even understand myself.

But once again I am at the crossroad - although knowing this train of thought is maybe only temporary doesn’t make it any less painful. Is there something wrong with me or not. What is wrong with me? Am I really sick or am I fixating on a thought process imprinted on me years ago of how a depressed/bipolar person is supposed to think and act.

First of all it is important to define exactly what abnormal behaviour is, or for that matter a psychological illness. It also depends on which frame of reference you use to define it. In a way all ‘normal’ people might have some degree of psychological illness. Basically -for me- it comes down to three things: Psychological Dysfunction (cognitive, emotional or behavioural), Personal Distress and Atypical or not Culturally Expected Behaviour. Also the degree of impairment in these three aspects determine the severity of the illness, if any.

So… How do I know if it is real or not? With all the information at hand, all I can do is give a subjective opinion regarding myself. I can get information from past happenings and situations as well as consider opinions from psychiatrists and psychologists.

The question that I have been asking myself for a while now is if all this has only been conditioned by years and years of therapy, treatment and different diagnosis. I was first diagnosed with a major depressive episode when I was 16 years old - by a GP. That is nearly 15 years ago. Have I been conditioned into thinking that there is something wrong with me, that I need the crutch of therapy otherwise I might have a breakdown. The belief that I have depression - therefore I should definitely be in therapy. Since I took that antidepressant for the first time 15 years ago, I haven’t stopped taking medication, who says I won’t be fine without it. I can’t even remember what emotions I experienced when I was that age that deserved a diagnosis of major depression.

Is it real, I don’t know. I can write a 100 more pages to debate and give my philosophies on the topic. So basically it comes down to what I believe and why I so desperately seek these answers. The things that are problematic are essentially in my core personality. I am not saying I have a disorder. It is just my opinion that my personality is a bit flawed. I definitely have some traits of the bad cluster. I experience my emotions more intense than most people. I must stop myself from being impulsive and reckless on a regular basis within various aspects of my life. I am lazy sometimes, I want the easy way out, I don’t like to work hard for something, I want it handed to me on a silver plate. I get bored very quickly even with something that used to interest me very much. I lack motivation in almost everything and I must work hard to motivate myself even for the smallest task like brushing my teeth. I don’t trust people and I have no need to make new friends. Yet I want people to think I am important and very intelligent, I want everyone to like me and I think there is something wrong with them if they don’t. I am very dependant on certain people, sometimes for making decisions, for fear of just being alone, for recognition and for love - I will try and avoid abandonment at any cost. I definitely have an unstable self image and I feel empty most of the time.

So why could this be? Is it genetic or biological or does the problem lie within me, my behaviour and my perception of the world around me?

Thanks taking time to read my story

[Skeezyks]

Hello mermaid: Well... the Skeezyks doesn't know the answer to any of this. Many years ago, in a psychology class I took, the professor said that mental illness symptoms are simply more extreme examples of behaviors we all exhibit. So, for example, we all wash our hands when they're dirty. Some of us may be more concerned about this than others. But if we start washing our hands to the point where the skin is peeling, then it becomes a symptom of a mental illness. He went on to say that he could go around the room & pull pathology out of each-&-every one of us, even though we were all presumably successfully functioning college students. So maybe mental illness, like beauty, is sometimes in the eye of the beholder. Or maybe, as the saying goes, it's just mind over matter... if you don't mind... it doesn't matter.

Personally, I have a very long & twisted history, although I managed to keep the cork in the bottle, so to speak, for half a lifetime before it all came crashing down. Sometimes I imagine that if I could just sort it all out, that somehow it would all begin to make sense & I'd at least feel a bit better about the life I've led. But the reality is that it's all just a ball of twisted wire that will never be unwound. And imagining that it could be otherwise is delusion. It all just is what it is. Consequently, I simply try my best to let it all go & live out what's left of my life one day at a time.

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello mermaid: Well... the Skeezyks doesn't know the answer to any of this. Many years ago, in a psychology class I took, the professor said that mental illness symptoms are simply more extreme examples of behaviors we all exhibit. So, for example, we all wash our hands when they're dirty. Some of us may be more concerned about this than others. But if we start washing our hands to the point where the skin is peeling, then it becomes a symptom of a mental illness. He went on to say that he could go around the room & pull pathology out of each-&-every one of us, even though we were all presumably successfully functioning college students. So maybe mental illness, like beauty, is sometimes in the eye of the beholder. Or maybe, as the saying goes, it's just mind over matter... if you don't mind... it doesn't matter.

Personally, I have a very long & twisted history, although I managed to keep the cork in the bottle, so to speak, for half a lifetime before it all came crashing down. Sometimes I imagine that if I could just sort it all out, that somehow it would all begin to make sense & I'd at least feel a bit better about the life I've led. But the reality is that it's all just a ball of twisted wire that will never be unwound. And imagining that it could be otherwise is delusion. It all just is what it is. Consequently, I simply try my best to let it all go & live out what's left of my life one day at a time.

Thanks Skeezyks... It is very true what you say here. I do believe everyone is a little 'crazy'. So do we indulge in our flaws, what are our flaws, are they flaws? Will you embrace them? I can get all philosophical but I don't want to confuse myself too much today so I will leave it at that.

I don't know the answer but you mentioned bipolar. Come visit the forum...it's very active and we talk about everything under the sun there.

Maybe you're hypomanic? Looks like your brain is groovy....lots of thinking, not a criticism. xo =]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

I don't know the answer but you mentioned bipolar. Come visit the forum...it's very active and we talk about everything under the sun there.

Maybe you're hypomanic? Looks like your brain is groovy....lots of thinking, not a criticism. xo =]

LOL... Maybe I could definitely be, but then again I always tend to overthink everything. Even when someone says something relatively straightforward to me I tend to analyse what the possible different meanings could be.

I understand your thinking to an extent...I went through an intense period in my life where I constantly asked others and myself "well HOW do you KNOW???"

Now I have depression. But it came to me rather late in life, so I have a good frame of reference. No cause for it...no tragic happening. It just happened. I am different now than I was.
I don't know if the knowledge of my happy life is a blessing or a curse to be honest...

I do take an antidepressant that I have (in the past) switched and there was a radical difference. I have also tapered off, and there was a radical difference. Now I'm on the one that gets me through the day, but on a lower dose.
I want the happy pill, to be honest. The "I am normal and happy" pill.... just for a vacation once in a while...just to have the assurance that yes, happiness is still out there and it was real, and I had it once. It isn't just a figment of my imagination.

Anyway, I ramble in my own well of despair here.... ignore it.

I don't think there's any such thing as "normal" or "abnormal"..... We are what we think we are. Being here helps because when you say you overthink things, someone (like me) will also say that they overthink things too. So you're not so alone.

Originally Posted by mermaid55555

LOL... Maybe I could definitely be, but then again I always tend to overthink everything. Even when someone says something relatively straightforward to me I tend to analyse what the possible different meanings could be.

You're not overthinking IMO. You're just a thinker! That's good. If it's troubling you, that's more concerning and you should ask your doctor.

Some of us have very busy minds. Like a whirling dervish lol. I think it's fine.

Others are more calm-minded and take things step-by-step. I think this is fine, too.

I'm always thinking about various things unless I'm clinically depressed. It's just busy upstairs. My boyfriend is the same way.

You're just fine as you are, IMO. If your mind is going so fast it's out of control - that's when we need help reeling it in. I think you get my drift. Full mania.

xo