[Rahul919]

I am in 1st semester engineering. It has been 2.5 months in college .Initially I got to meet many people in my class and become friend with many people. But after some time when people began forming groups . I never got into a particular group but loved to hang with one or other , this way I did not got into particular group . But then all my friends formed their own groups i tried one group and another but never liked any particular and moved on to next so at last I remained alone and my day to day contact with them become less and less and after these 2.5 months I have a lot of acquaintances but not a single good friend.
like in one group I have one person I like and in second group an other person I like . So I always feels like if I join one group I will lose contact with the person in the second group. I don't know why but I always want to have each one of them as my friend . And as a result of this over expectation got no friends at all.
My main problem is that because of coming from a poor background and lack of knowledge of English I was bullied very much in 9th-12th class. I became introverted and lost all my confidence. Till date though I have become good at studies but my confidence remains low as it is. Because of this I am not a person to hang out with. Nobody says but I know I am a very boring person. I don't know how to make jokes or laugh at other’s puns. Even when I do some time make jokes nobody likes it and I feel very bad. My talks to classmates just include stuff related to studies and all. Not the usual chit chat .
And another problem is I don't know why but I am not able to decide what type of group I want to be with . With studious or back benchers. When I sit with the studious group I feel like oh they are very boring let's go to the back benchers group. But again when I sit with back benchers I feel like, what I am here to study not wasting time by gossiping.
My mind always keeps fluctuating .I don't know if it is a disorder or not. Because whenever I take a decision . I cannot remain fixed on it. I will always find the fault in it. And would remain confused. I am also not able to judge my true potential like even if a want to join a quiz society but would join a dance society even if not having any interest in it . Just because my friend is also joining it. Thus getting no where to make new connections always remain in the same loop.
Though I am good in initiating friendships but eventually I would find the fault in person. Like he does not study I should not remain with him. Even like he over study and I should not remain with him also.
My mind daily remains busy in this thinking like Yes tomorrow I will join this group. Then again next day no this group is not suitable for me again another group and so on. And then when I will see the previous group happy . I would be like oh they must be enjoying very much . I should go back to them.
Because of this daily context of making friends I am not able to focus on studies my mind always keep roaming around it.

I made one close friend though but when I told him all about my previous experience how I got bullied and all he started maintaing distance from me .
don't know what to do in school I used to think just 1 year is remaining after that I will go to college and make good friend and become a normal happy person again. But now after coming in college I have again become introvert not by choice but by situation .
Now I sit in class in a group of 6–7 . But I do not really know any of them I am just there for the sake of existence . They talk and pay to me only if I start the conversation with them and not vice versa
People come to me only when they need help. But when I need help I am always ignored by everyone
I think this problem is from school .I used to be a very interesting and extrovert person. But When I joined a new English medium school because of my non English background got bullied by everyone . So I got no friends and got depressed but kept my attention on Academics. Thinking that don't worry just 4 years are there after that I will get into a college and get good friends and life happy. And I think because of this frustration of 4 years I always overdo things .and I am very depressed by the same scenario in the college. And also have lost focus in studies.
I have also lost interest in studies . Because of always remaining depressed and having no peer group. many would think that I am exaggerating the situation but believe me having no one to laugh with and confide to is very hard at least for me.
I AM NOT BLAMING ANYONE I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT IS WROMG WITH ME AND WHY NOBODY LIKES ME
I don't know what to do to improve my situation.

I cannot afford to go to a psychologist. Please help.

[Skeezyks]

Hi Rahul919: I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I can see shades of myself, as a younger person, in what you wrote. At this point in my life (I'm an older person now) I pretty-much just keep to myself. But when I was young I also felt like an outsider much of the time. And if I did manage to become a part of something, I soon became bored with it & wanted something else.

I won't say no one liked me. But somehow I just never felt comfortable with anyone. I always felt like I just never quite fit in anywhere I went & no matter what I did. I was bullied both verbally & physically throughout high school. And I was hiding a boatload of craziness inside as well. I didn't know who I was, or what I wanted, & so nothing satisfied me. I was trying to live the life others told me I should be living & I made a real mess of it.

Unfortunately I don't know what I can suggest to you that would be of help here. From what you wrote, it strikes me that perhaps, like me, you have an emptiness, a feeling of inadequacy, inside that you're trying to fill with friends, groups, etc. However what you're finding is that, in the end, this just never works out. You can't fill internal emptiness by chasing after friends & social activities. Somehow you have to figure out how to fill that internal void from within, if that makes any sense. (Perhaps what you're doing with your life, the path you're on, is not really what you want to be doing?) This is the type of thing people often seek therapy for. But I know you wrote you cannot afford to see a psychologist.

I know I never really was able to fill my own internal void. That is part of the reason I now simply keep to myself. Over the years, I have developed some ideas with regard to what caused it. However knowing what caused it, & figuring out how to fill it, are two different things. Still, figuring out what caused it to begin with is at least a start. So I wonder if you have any perspective with regard to what might be at the root of your own internal emptiness? Perhaps being here on PC, posting your own threads & reading other members' posts may help you to gain some insight into your own situation.

One thing I will suggest is that, in my experience, it does take time to become an accepted member of any group or organization. This is true both of social groups as well as organizations & work situations. You have to put in your time. There's simply no way around it. Sometimes I think people expect to become accepted & valued members of groups too quickly. So one thought here is that perhaps one thing you need to do is to simply settle on some people you want be with, & groups you want to be part of, & stick with them. Resist those restless urges to move on to other things. If you do that, you may find that you'll just naturally evolve into an integral part of the group over time. And that's the kind of success one can build on over time.