[lemonzest]

Maybe someone can point me in a specific direction - I think I should try and get on top of some of my behaviour traits - they don't make me seem like a nice person. My situation and I have changed somewhat over the years I have been on this site but I've only logged in here rarely over the past few years - I've always found the site "too Americanised" - and that means people being, in my mind, too preoccupied with their medication, named diagnoses, psychiatrists/counsellors - I'm not taking a swipe at all that it's just that I can't relate to that level of interest in being or feeling ill or unwell - like my car, when it doesn't sound right I just want to get it fixed ASAP and forget about it - I'm not interested in cars enough to want to think about anything to do with cars that much - the same goes for myself - I'm far more interested in other things than myself or in fact, other people - I'm not a people person - I know I can get on well with strangers and be very sociable if I want or given a certain social situation but increasingly I see myself as someone more interested in things than people - I feel I have to explain this and don't really want to spell everything out because I want some advice, ideas, input - as a starting point perhaps I see myself as autistic (it's a spectrum) - I don't know if there is such a thing as late-onset autism but that's how I feel about myself (actually a few years ago I and my eldest daughter completed an autism self assessment form - a score of 36 or over identified you, possibly (as it is a subjective not objective diagnosis) as autistic - my score was 35, my daughters score for me was also 35 - we differed only in our answers to 2 questions - anyway - it's an anecdote - I don't really attach much significance to it.

OK now to the point - I don't feel I'm depressed - I always feel (27 days out of every month say) fine, OK, quite positive if anything - on the odd day I do feel down it can sometimes (not always) feel like I am very low and most of those times I do not know why - today is such a day. If I am negative about myself, my situation or what's going on in my life I reconcile it almost every time time by thinking - well, it's not surprising given the real issues going on in my life (which really aren't that big compared to most people who say they have problems) - anyway I'm not depressed imho and I'm not an anxious or nervous person - I feel mentally strong about myself - confident but the real problem is that my behaviour lets me down - I can be triggered into becoming very difficult and argumentative - this is usually when I'm out in public or on the phone - I really give people a very hard time verbally if something seems wrong (unjust, inconsistent, sloppy) - in these moments I'm not shouting or in a rage - I'm just putting lots of pressure on the other person with difficult to answer questions - why they haven't followed up on something, etc - I know I really don't give a damn about anyone else's feelings during these times - about 50% of the time, maybe more, afterwards I don't think about my difficult behaviour as I felt like these was a problem that needed addressing - and some of the time I know it could have been handled a lot better. I don't know if it's just getting old and grumpy or if there is a mental issue or whether there is just a decline in my emotional intelligence (that's another debate - last time I researched that there seemed to be no scientific basis for the concept - it was nothing more than an invented term used to market self-help books and a stock in phrase used by consultancy firms offering in-house staff management training - that kind of thing) - I just don't understand why I can be chatty/friendly/disarming with people sometimes and so dislikeable and difficult at others - these incidents blow up out of nothing - I never go anywhere in a mood that makes me predisposed to being argumentative as I think I am relatively moodless - my periods of feeling low are usually very short lived - often first thing in the morning and they rarely last more than a few hours. I do have running disputes that are a source of problems on an intermittent basis - with my sports centre for instance where I go 2 or 3 times a week - there can be nothing to complain about for 3-4 months then something will get my attention - usually when 2 or 3 things add up to prompt me to complain e.g. about the swimming sessions not starting on time (lifeguards not ready, no lanes in the pool, kids swimming lessons not finished on time), lifeguards not acting to keep young kids out of the lane swimming section, messy or dirty toilets or changing rooms, the sauna out of action for weeks on end because no one seems bothered about trying to chase up the repairs, cold showers & broken lockers, etc - I wish I had a better understanding about what is going wrong and what I could work on to try and reduce the times when I am so awkward. When I find myself complaining I often wonder why other people aren't as dissatisfied. Any thoughts or ideas?

[Gojamadar]

Hi,
Your assessment of yourself regarding the degree of outism seems correct.
I have the same problems you have on occasion and always suspected I have a degree of outism and probably a Aspergers as well.
I have been depressed for a period in the past and pulled myself out of it without any medicines.
I also think that the reliance on drugs, slogans and therapist, especially badly qualified ones who are only in it to make a profit is excessive.

I want to focus on your need for a 'quick fix' as you put it. That just doesn't exist with mental illness. One doesn't find a cure or fully recover. One instead tries to come to an understanding of their illness, acceptance it will be with them their entire life, and work towards it becoming manageable. You are more likely to achieve that with help from a professional than treating it on your own. Which is my recommendation.

[lemonzest]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I want to focus on your need for a 'quick fix' as you put it. That just doesn't exist with mental illness. One doesn't find a cure or fully recover. One instead tries to come to an understanding of their illness, acceptance it will be with them their entire life, and work towards it becoming manageable.

Yes - I appreciate this point. My car analogy was included to illustrate my lack of interest in being ill -if, indeed (as this is my question) I am ill in some treatable capacity - whether it be a mental problem that needs help from a skilled/experienced/knowledgeable person or through medication - I was just open to it being something to do with innate behaviour due to something like autism that seems to have become more obvious in recent years - I find that hard to understand - I couldn't find any reference to anything like "late-onset" autism or perhaps just a growing dissatisfaction with life, reality, other people. I exercise a lot (always have done) and that's good for my sense of well-being and general happiness, positivity but it doesn't prevent me from flaring up into a really awkward guy sometimes. I'm always seeking a sense of peace - this is part of why I exercise so much (I used to run but 25 years of that has worn my knees out and after 3 surgeries I was no longer able to run) - I swim 2-3 times a week, minimum of 2 hrs, sometimes 3hrs. At the moment I am just not sure about why I am like this when, as I said before - I don't think I'm depressed at all and I'm not an anxious person or someone who lacks self confidence - most people think I am easy going and relatively happy but that's because they never get to see these horrible moments when something triggers me to start making an issue out of something - usually a complaint about something - at these times I'm just horrible.

[eskielover]

From my personal experience with living with a husband for 33 years whose behaviors perfectly fit Aspergers (ASD), the symptoms do progress & show up more the older he got. Though looking back at dome of the things his mother said sbout him has just fit right in. The red flags I saw before I got married but excused away are EXACTLY the things I finally left because only magnified by 33 years of living around it. When I left it became all that more obvious because then he had no one but himself to depend on & he royally messed up his life while financially destroying mine also...but it showed how much he had been depending on me to keep his life out of the mess he is now in...i was seeing it more & more the last 13 years when massive depression left me non-functional...but it was cast in concrete when I finally left. He got along thoygh always had problems communicating in his computer engineering career but the more demands that were put on him the more dysfunctional it was obvious he was....so late-onset only serms that way but when seriously analized it does show up much earlier