[Patagonia]

Yes I am a pessimist & a cynic, but I am trying hard to see other points of view.

I've been friends w/a person for 18yrs. I've watched her get married again & seem to enjoy life. She lost her 2nd husband two yrs ago.
She's 71 yrs old. We were pretty close.

She's had odd behavior for over a yr & ive always thought it was due to the passing of her husband. Several times I keyed myself into her house really thinking she was dead bec she'd disappear for days.
Then I accidentally ran into her daughter who told me she was taking her to a rehab for her drinking problem which she's had & hidden all her life. She's never done rehab before. At first I was shocked! Then things started to click into place.

I feel betrayed.

Then the cynic in me starts to think...71 yrs old & now you think you can quit drinking??
Why?

Now I know some r going to hammer me here w/your answers & that's fine, but I don't really understand why someone would decide to confront this problem at this age. I have cynical answers....but I'm trying to be nice & understand.
Most might say just talk to her & im just not ready for that.
Thanks for any feedback.

[avlady]

my grandmother drank whiskey since she was a teenager. she passed away at age 81 in 1995. she was a wonderful person and wouldn't hurt a fly. I never saw her angry, she was sweet even and especially when she drank. of course the Irish Fitzgerald in her blood took over!! I began to drink at an early age myself but gave it up because I was dying from it. Its been over 20 years since I've had a drink, and i'm proud of it. good luck all of you who are trying to give it up, just think no more hangovers!!!good luck

[unaluna]

Im 65 and fat - make that obese - so in your friends age group anyway, and at this point its about not wanting to be old and sick? Cant do anything about the old, but maybe can be a little healthier. Even a little change makes life a lot easier now.

Well the first thing that pops into my mind is your mention of her newish relationship. Perhaps that is the source of her motivation. If she was drinking all those years without others knowing it seems obvious to me that those she had close to her in her life were enablers and helped to keep it hidden. Is it then possible that this particular relationship is not an enabling one? Could it be that this chap's expression of love is to encourage her to do get help? I am not suggesting others didn't love her I am saying this husband may have a different manner of doing so.

I consider myself a Hedonist, therefore, my answer will be purely from a Hedonist prospective.

With that being said, what I personally think is that in the end, all that really matters in life is happiness and decisions should be made to maximize one's happiness or positive experiences while minimizing one's negative experience.

I can see only one valid reason for wanting to change a habit such as drinking at age 71 and that is because it is having a negative experience on one's happiness. If she is pushing her loved ones away or drinking is somehow making her miserable, then it is perfectly rational for her to want to go to rehab.

If it is for any other reason such as to improve her health or because society pressures her to then I would say that changing would be a waste of energy as it doesn't do anything to benefit her at this point.

[Patagonia]

Thank you for the responses.

Her 1st was an alcoholic too & was abusive.
Her 2nd husband was a reformed alcoholic. But he knew she still drank occasionally. Sometimes she'd ask me for a bottle of wine & I didn't flinch giving her one.
In fact the night her husband passed away, in her house after the coroner left she asked me for a bottle bec she said she needed the help in sleeping. She's my neighbor. Again I said sure.

Her 2nd husband knew he was dying & was lucid for a great deal of it. Both myself & my SO told him we'd watch out for her; look after her.
I just don't understand why he'd keep such a secret from us. He had to have known that with his passing she'd turn to alcohol while being alone.

This makes me resentful. I don't have any friends & I considered her a friend, but any so called friends I used to have always used me in some way.
Again I feel used.

The first yr after her 2nd husband's passing I constantly looked in on her, fed her & listened to these same stories & she seemed so very depressed. Neighbors asked me! what I was doing to help her! No one else wanted to help.
So when her daughter knew all this was going on, that her mom was blacking out & falling down from alcohol no one told us or explained anything.

So I treat her differently now. I'm stand off-ish with her. I don't really help her.
I feel I've done enough & I was used by her.